Redwall Fanmail
by Kelaiah
Summary: Redwall characters answer fanmail that the reviewers send to them. Next up: Gulo and Cregga! More details inside.
1. Intro

Kelaiah the skinny, bespectacled (and very cute, in his own opinion) male ferret sat calmly behind a desk.

"Ah, hello there, good reader!" he said perkily, smiling brightly. "Yes, I know what you're thinking: 'Kel has put up another fic while all his other ones remain unfinished'. Well, I would like you all to remember that just about every other author on this site is the exactly the same way. Heh heh.

"Well, anyway, let me explain to you what this fic is going to be about:

"Each chapter is going to deal with two characters from the _Redwall _series reading fanmail and answering any questions their fans have for them. The fanmail they're going to be reading will be coming from the reviews you give in this fic.

"Now, for the first duo, we have Emperor Ublaz Mad-Eyes and Rasconza. Say hello, fellas!"

"Greetings, potential slaves," Ublaz drawled silkily.

"Hiya," Rasconza said, waving a paw.

The fox and pine marten were seated at opposite ends of Kelaiah's desk, each with a computer before him.

"Now, for those of you who are still a little confused as to how this is going to work," Kelaiah went on, "Let me explain further:

"When you review for THIS chapter, that is, the one that you're reading right now, please put in your review any questions or comments you might have for our two guests, and in the following chapter, Ublaz and Rasconza will answer them.

"When this fic will be updated depends on how many reviews this gets, because I would like to have plenty of stuff to work with."

Both Ublaz and Rasconza snorted. Kel glared, but ignored them and went on.

"So, here are some basic rules:

"Rule number one, please keep your questions and comments on an appropriate level; nothing dirty or overly risque, please (though you ARE allowed to ask them a little about their love lives, if you want to)."

"NO THEY CAN'T!" roared Ublaz. "It's _my _love life, I don't need any fanfiction authors meddling with it!"

"Maybe you do," grinned Rasconza, "That way you'll actually _have_ a love life!"

"Shut up!" shouted Ublaz.

"ANYway," interrupted Kelaiah. "Rule number two, once the next Redwall duo is up, you cannot send in fanmail addressed to the previous duo.

"Rule number three, please do not request any Redwall duos for me to do next - at least NOT YET, because I've already decided who the first few duos I'm going to use.

"And finally, rule number four: HAVE FUN!"

"_That's _a rule?" said Ublaz, raising his eyebrows. "I could've thought of a better rule than that!"

"Like what?" challenged the ferret.

"Like how each reviewer must say that I am the coolest warlord there ever was-"

"WHAT?!" shouted Rasconza, giving a laugh. "You're not a warlord! Yer just some sneaky little corsair who dresses up pretty little dresses and hunted for something pink to crown yerself with!"

"Okay," growled Ublaz, standing up and glaring down at the fox (while at the same time wishing that Kel hadn't taken away his hypnotic power for the time being). "I may be sneaky, I may have once been a corsair, my clothes maybe pretty, and I did hunt for those pearls, but I am NOT little, they were NOT 'dresses', they were ROBES, and those pearls were MAGICAL, hence why I wanted them!"

"Are you sure about that?" the pirate-fox grinned.

"_Yes_ I am _sure _about that," the pine marten snapped. "And I will not be disrespected like that again! I am Emperor Ublaz of the Hypnotic Eyes-"

"Hypnotic Eyes, hah! Not so hypnotic anymore now that Kel here took away yer powers for the fic."

Ublaz glared full throttle at the grinning fox before turning on Kel.

"I cannot have you hypnotizing everybeast present," the ferret calmly explained. "I already told you, it'd ruin the flow of the script if you kept trying to get creatures to do your bidding. But at least I took away Rasconza's daggers so he couldn't stab you."

Ublaz blew out his nostrils, but was somewhat pacified at the reminder of his rival being deprived of his precious daggers. Rasconza, however, looked momentarily miffed, but swiftly recovered.

"Yeah and he took away _your_ dagger, Mad-Eyes, and didn't allow you any weapon at all, either!"

"I can't have you guys hacking away at each other!" Kel said impatiently. "No matter how much you want to do each other in."

"I still wish I was the one to do you in," Ublaz said to Rasconza. "Too bad it was the traitorous Sagitar, but at least my death was cooler than yours'."

"Now how was your's cooler?!" demanded Rasconza. "You stepped on a snake, it bit you, and you died with some mouse screaming in your face! Now how is _that_ cooler than MY death?"

_"Please,_ you get killed off by a dying rat who shows you up by saying that she, unlike you, never throws her weapon away, she always keeps a hold of it. I mean, come _on, _Rasconza, do you really think that throwing your weapons away will help when a whole horde is coming at you?"

"At least I keep an eye on my weight!" shot back Rasconza.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?!" screeched Ublaz, firing up at once.

"You recall that one line that was said about you? 'Many seasons o' soft livin' had slowed the pine marten.' That means you're old and fat."

Ublaz stood up again, somehow managing to stand taller than before. "I AM _NOT_ OLD, AND I MOST CERTAINLY AM **_NOT _FAT!"**

"Sure y'are," the fox replied cheerfully, glad that he had apparently touched on one of his rival's Big Red Buttons. "Anybeast who's been livin' soft for 'many seasons' has to be old an' fat."

"I am NOT _FAT!_ And I am not old! I'm just not in as good a shape as I was in my corsair days."

"That's what all the fat old guys say."

"THAT DOES IT! _RRRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!"_

Ublaz launched himself across the desk, freshly-painted claws stretched towards Rasconza, who immediately leapt up, ready and willing for a fight--

**_Zap._**

Except from out of Kel's lazer came long straps that, with lightning quickness, wrapped themselves tightly around the fox and pine marten in the same fashion that Gelltor had tied up Ascrod in _Redwall and the Haunted Mansion_: the straps covered them from head to toe, with holes for their ears, eyes, noses, and tails, but everything else was strapped in tight.

"Hmmrrff! Hmrrff!" said Ublaz.

"Mmmmrrrffff!" said Rasconza.

The two struggled to break free, but only succeeded in falling painfully to the floor. Kelaiah stood over them, holding up his lazer warningly.

"I said I didn't want you guys killing each other before you answered your fanmail," the ferret murmured dangerously. "Now, I will let you guys go when you both promise to behave yourselves and try to be nice to one another."

After glaring up at Kel with anger and resentment, both fox and marten realized they had no other choice, so they nodded.

"Good," said Kel, pressing a few buttons on his lazer.

In an instance, the straps covering Ublaz and Rasconza disappeared, as did Kel.

The fox and pine marten stood carefully back up, eyeing each other warily as they sat back in their previous spots.

"So, ah. . . ." began Rasconza. "So are we supposed to read the famail offa these computers or somethin'?"

Ublaz shrugged.

A few more moments of silence.

"I'm not fat, y'know."

"Oh please. You should be changing yer name to 'Ubelly the Mad-sized Belly' or somethin' like that."

Immediately the pine marten fired up, but quickly got himself to calm down. Instead he smiled thinly, and replied, "Well at least I don't have fleas."

Rasconza nodded mock-pleasantly. "I know y'don't. Neither do I."

"Yes you do!" snarled Ublaz. "And you're filthy and have the most horrible odor! I mean, come on, haven't you ever heard of bathwater? Or at least try some deodorant!"

"We don't have deodorant in Redwall, Ublaz."

"We don't have computers either."

"Ah. Touche. But anyway, I'd rather be dirty and smelly and have a lean, muscular build than an old flabby one."

"I am NOT flabby! You're just jealous because I have more fangirls than you do!"

_"Please,_ now that's not even funny!"

Ublaz stared. "You seriously think that you have more fangirls than me?"

"You bet I do! In fact, I _know_ I do!"

The pine marten stared for a moment before grinning evilly. "Alright then, fox. I'll make you a deal. We'll have all the female reviewers say who they'd rather fangirl."

"That sounds fine," the fox grinned. "Of course they'll want to go for some young, clever fox who's kept himself in good shape-"

"Who smells like seaweed and ocean-rot!" interrupted Ublaz. "They'd much rather go for a big, strong, _handsome_ pine marten who has plenty of _treasure_ to spare!"

"Pleh, that's what all the old fat ones do," scoffed Rasconza. "When they can't get by on their looks alone, they bring out their cash."

"Jealous, you _poor_ little fox?"

"Shut up."

"But ANYway," said Kelaiah's voice on an intercom, "let's get on with the fanmail, alright?

"Reviewers, please remember to write your 'fanmail' in your review for THIS chapter in order for it to be answered in the next chapter.

"And, just for the sake of settling the argument, all female reviewers, please also state who you would rather fangirl: Ublaz or Rasconza. NOT that I'm saying you _really_ would, but . . . yeah.

"Thank you, and have fun!"

"And if _I _have the most fangirls," said Rasconza, "Ublaz has to-"

"Don't start talking about punishments and stuff like that!" interruped Kel again. "If you do, it might get the reviewers to vote for one more than the other simply because they want to see said punishment happen to them!"

"Alright, fine. But we're still in agreement that if one has less fangirls than th' other, they have to do something bad, right?"

"Right," agreed Ublaz.

And with that, the two spit on their paws and shook said paws, each suddenly remembering that that was how they sealed their very first deal. . . .

* * *

**A/N:** Alright, people! Start reviewing and fanmailing! And PLEASE try not to be biased when answering the 'fangirl' thing, just be honest. :)


	2. Ublaz and Rasconza

**A/N: **Just a little quick note; in your 'fanmail', I had to do some spell-checking and such, so please don't be offended if your questions/comments aren't exactly like your review. Plus I'm only going to put in your fanmail comments, so yeah. . . .

* * *

"Welp, the fanmail is all in!" Kelaiah's voice boomed perkily over the intercom. "Or at least all the fanmail I made time for, anyway. If anyone wanted to fanmail Ublaz or Rasconza, but wasn't able to, have no fear; I might bring them back in a future chapter - _might._ Don't get your hopes up."

"Don't get yer hopes up either, Mad Eyes," Rasconza grinned. "You _might _get more fangirls than me . . . but don't get yer hopes up."

Ublaz only snorted in reply.

"Well ANYway," said Kelaiah's voice over the intercom. "Our first fanmail letter/email comes from wordcrafter. If you two would open up your email boxes?"

The fox and pine marten did so, and ended up staring rather blankly at it.

". . . all it says is 'Razconza'," said Ublaz.

Rasconza, however, suddenly lit up. "It's a fangirl!"

Ublaz blinked and glared at the fox. _"What?"_

"It's a fangirl! She's telling us which of us she'd rather fangirl after, and she picked ME! Haha!"

"Now how do you know that for sure?" demanded Ublaz. "Just because she simply put your name down doesn't mean anything!"

"But what else can it mean?" shot back Rasconza. "Why else would she put down just my name?"

"It's not even your name."

"What?! Yes it is!"

"It's misspelled. See? She spelt it was a 'z' instead of an 's'. 'Razconza', isn't it supposed to 'Rasconza'?"

The corsair shrugged. "Eh, we all make mistakes. Nobeast is perfect, right, Kelaiah?"

The intercom heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid he's right, Ublaz. That counts as a 'fangirl point'."

Rasconza shot his rival a smug smile. "I got the first vote! Ha haha ha haaa ha! Told you not to get yer hopes up!"

Ublaz sneered. "So what? There are plenty more votes to go through, and just because you got the first one doesn't mean you'll get the rest of them!"

"We'll see about that," grinned Rasconza.

"Yes well ANYway," interrupted Kelaiah (who that he'd been saying that a lot lately), "let's go on, shall we?

"Our next email comes from mosshadow. Gentlemen- er, _beasts,_ would you. . . ?"

The two vermin leaders complied, and opened up the email, and read it. Here's what it said:

_Ublaz... is it true you buy clothes from cheap warehouses that are very low quality because you spend lots of money on illegal drugs to create your hypnosis powers? and why did you flame me over 90 times!_

Both fox and marten stared in shock at the fanmail . . . before Rasconza gave a whoop and nearly fell backwards out of his chair as he cackled his head off, while Ublaz sat up with fuming indignation.

"I'll have you know, mister . . . or miss . . . whichever one you are, that that is NOT true! My clothes are very, _VERY_ expensive and of very _high_ quality, all spun from the finest silks in the world, all painstakingly made, thank you very much! And as for the illegal drugs-!"

"Well that _would _help explain how you got yer powers," conceded Rasconza, who had finally gotten control of himself, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

_"No it WOULDN'T," _boomed Ublaz. "I was _born_ with these powers, I have no need of drugs to control all those around me! And as for the flames, may I ask you, WHAT flames!?"

"I think they were talking about that one troll attack," said Kelaiah's voice over the intercom. "Don't know why they'd accuse _you,_ that's a rather silly thing to do."

"More than silly," grumbled the pine marten, glaring at Rasconza, who was giggling again.

"Well anyway, moving on. Our next fanmail is from Adder of the Pit."

Ublaz and a still chuckling Rasconza opened their emails to read Adder's fanmail:

_I'm female, and to save you two from a few more bite marks, I pick neither. Honestly? Rasconza, you probably DO smell like seaweed and ocean-rot. I've backpacked on the beach before, and I know what a long-dead sea lion smells like. Not pleasant._

_Also, I really liked Barranca and Conva, so I still hold a mild grudge against both of you._

_Oh, and Ublaz, here. *hands over a box* I know you're still probably sore over the pearls and all, so here are some balls of marchpane wrapped in rose petals. If the gulls couldn't tell the difference, I'm sure you won't either._

_Rasconza... well, I didn't really like you as a character, but... er... wow I really have nothing to say to you. Which is weird because usually I never shut up._

"Neither?!" cried Ublaz. "She can't pick neither! . . . can she?"

"I'm afraid she can. I can't really force any of them to pick, can I?" answered Kel.

The pine marten snorted.

"So that's one for me and _none _for you!" taunted Rasconza.

"Shut up," growled Ublaz.

"Please answer the questions and comments, boys," said Kelaiah in a dangerous tone.

"Alright, alright," grumbled Ublaz. After reading the email, he started to grin. "Hah! Listen to this, Rasconza, she agrees with me! You _do_ smell like seaweed and ocean-rot!"

"But why didn't she pick you?" the fox-pirate wondered, ignoring the marten's jibe. "You'd think she'd say."

"Er, yeah, about that," said Kelaiah. "Some of her comments about Ublaz were a little inappropriate, I thought, and so they didn't make it through."

At this Rasconza grinned smugly at the pine marten, who glowered back.

"But there is the thing with Conva and Barranca," the fox said, looking back at the email. "So maybe that could count as why she didn't pick you-"

**_KONK!_**

In an instant, two stoats had come out of nowhere and each of them slammed a sledgehammer right on top of the heads of the creature who killed them.

"Ahhh, that felt good!" smiled Barranca, grinning down at Rasconza's prone form.

"It sure did," agreed Conva, kicking Ublaz's unconscious body.

And with that, the two brothers headed off, arms slung around each others shoulders, both singing some random pirate ditty.

As for Ublaz and Rasconza, neither were dead (thanks to the power of fanfiction), nor were they severely injured (again thanks to fanfiction), simply because the author needed them alive and reasonably well to answer the rest of the fanmail.

"Ugghh," groaned Rasconza, sitting up, rubbing between his ears. "Wot 'appened?"

Ublaz also sat up, rubbing between his ears as well. "Ooh, my he-ee-ead-d."

Some aspirin and two glasses of water appeared in front of the fox and marten, both of whom eagerly took and swallowed said items.

Within a surprisingly short time, both were feeling pretty well again.

"More than you deserve," said Kelaiah. "I liked Barranca and Conva too. Oh, and would you two please comment on the rest of Adder's fanmail?"

"Sure, sure," the two vermin grumbled, returning to their seats.

After they read the second half again, Ublaz indignantly inquired, "Now just _why _does she think that I would be fooled by these little marchpane balls wrapped in rose petals? I'm looking at them _close up, _so naturally I can tell they're not the Pearls of Lutra! And to be fair, the seagulls saw the marchpane balls from far away, and so naturally were fooled into thinking they were; I admit, I'd have been fooled too. . . . but they do look tasty," he added, smiling down at the box in his lap, which were filled with six marchpane balls in rose petals.

"They certainly do," Rasconza agreed, leaning across the table for a better look. "Er, say Ublaz, how 'bout sharin' some o' those? There's more than enough for-"

Ublaz cut him off with a short, contemptuous laugh. "Hah! Do you really think, that after all that we've been through, I'd be able to share _anything_ with _you?!"_

The fox narrowed his eyes, though the corners of his mouth quirked. "Y'know, a _fat_beast wouldn't want to share his food with anybeast."

Ublaz stared, and then snorted. "Touche, my _friend," _he growled, taking three of the marchpane balls out before sliding the box over to the triumphantly smug fox.

After glancing back at Adder's email, however, the pine marten smirked, taking a dainty nibble at one of the marchpane balls. "I think it funny that you should be able to bore a talkative creature like miss Adder herself."

"Wot'd y'mean?" Rasconza demanded, his mouth full of marchpane.

"Look," Ublaz said, pointing at the screen. "'_Rasconza... well, I didn't really like you as a character, but... er... wow I really have nothing to say to you. Which is weird because usually I never shut up.' _Hah! See? That means you're boring!"

_"Boring?!" _shouted Rasconza, spraying bits of marchpane across the table. "I ain't boring! _Yer_ the one who's borin'! All you do is laze around your castle drinkin' wine and hypnotizin' stuff!"

"And you laze about in your own filth," smirked Ublaz, taking another nibble from his own marchpane.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"STOP!" shouted Kelaiah. "Look fellas, let's just move on, shall we? Alright," he went on without waiting for an answer. "Our next fanmail comes Alizera Song."

_Okay I have two questions for Ublaz, are you aware that technically you are related to otters, badgers, ferrets, weasels, stoats, wolverines, and polecats? Sorry to scare you (and Kelaiah) but it happens to be true. Look up any of those in an encyclopedia, a dictionary, or go to Wikipedia if you don't believe me._

_Another question totally unrelated to the first, why did you want pink pearls? Just a question._

_Now Rasconza, I never really liked you. But I still have a question, after you mortally injured Sagitar why did you walk over to gloat in her face? After you kill something you let it be to die so you don't get hurt. That is rule Number 4 in hunting. Sure gloating is fun but do it when the opponent is unarmed. And don't poke fun at Ublaz 'cause he's related to otters (distantly) and other mustelids. You have several embarrassing relations as well... wait you don't but you are distantly related to domesticated dogs._

_Question for both of you what kind of music do you listen to and what is your favorite singer, band, or group?_

_And I am a female so I'd have to pick Ublaz for the fangirl question, mainly over the topic of personal hygiene._

"YES!" shouted Ublaz, hitting his fist into the air. "I've got a fangirl! Haha! That's one to one, fox!"

"There's plenty more reviews to go through, Mad Eyes," Rasconza growled, incensed that a second person actually agreed with Ublaz about his hygiene.

"Well anyway," said Kel. "Would you mind getting on with the rest of her message?"

"Alright, fine." Ublaz blinked at Alizera's first question. "Why would it scare me? Of course I know I'm related to otters and ferrets and such like that!"

"It doesn't scare me either," put in Kelaiah. "It explains why Ublaz is so good-looking, being related to me."

After a moment of silence, Rasconza remarked, "Wow. And I thought _Ublaz_ was full of himself."

"SHUT UP!" roared Kelaiah.

"And as for your second question, miss Song," went on Ublaz, "the answer to that is quite simple. In fact, if memory serves, I already answered that in the previous chapter. I wanted the pearls because they were _magical._ They would've helped enhance my hypnotic powers so I could ensnare whole groups of creatures with my gaze at a time and not just one beast at a time. Plus pink pearls are rarer - and therefore more expensive - than white pearls, so . . . that's why I wanted them."

"And as for your question towards me," put in Rasconza, "I gloated because I wanted her to realize how stupid it had been for her to threaten me with 'er trident like that. And who was I to know she was going to gut me like that? _Shut up, Ublaz!" _the fox quickly added, glaring at the pine marten. "And why would I poke fun at Ublaz for having otter relations? There's really nothin' funny I could do with something like that. And yes, I do know I'm related to dogs, so there!"

"As for your question about what music we like," said Ublaz, "I never really thought about having music in my palace. Not really. . . ."

"I think she's talking about music from _her _world, Ublaz," said Rasconza.

". . . Oh. I think you're right. Well, the answer is, I do not. Well, at least not a lot. I really don't have the time to listen to the music of your world, miss Song."

"Neither do I," shrugged Rasconza. "I prefer a good seafaring ditty." And with that, the fox lifted up his voice in song.

_"Would yer plunder from yer mother?_

_Yes I would, yes I would. . . ."_

Surprisingly, Ublaz grinned, and, even more surprisingly, joined in.

_"For my mother always said I was no good."_

The two began to sing in harmonious unison.

_"I'm a searat bred an' born,_

_"An' I'm sailin' in the morn,_

_Stan' aside, me lucky buckoes, let me go!"_

"Er, yes," interrupted Kelaiah, somewhat weirded out. "That's all very nice, boys, but could you get on, please?"

"Ah, yer no fun," moaned Rasconza.

Kel ignored him. "The next fanmail comes from icefox425."

_I'd rather be a fangirl of Ranconza (or whatever that fox's name is spelled like) that Ulblaz's fangirl. Ulblaz is full of himself and died with a mouse screaming HOLT LUTRA in his face. Not a very heroic death._

_I want to know what female Ulblaz has fancied before. What is her name, species, personality, and looks. He had to have fancied someone other than himself at somepoint._

"HAH!" shouted Rasconza triumphantly. "That's _two_ fer me and only _one_ fer _you!"_

Ublaz snorted. "It's funny, though," he stated dryly, "that all of your fangirls apparently have no idea how to spell your name."

"She misspelt your name too!"

"Yes, but she's not _my _fangirl, is she?" grinned Ublaz. "But I would like to comment on _her_ comment about my death:

"Of _course_ my death wasn't 'heroic'; I'm not a hero. Therefore, any death of mine would not be heroic. There. End of story."

"Not quite," said Kel. "She also wants to know what female has fancied you before, Ublaz."

"I have also stated that in the previous chapter," replied Ublaz. "And that its nobeast's business! It's MY business, and MINE alone!"

"That means no female has ever fancied you before," snickered Rasconza.

"On the contrary," glared Ublaz, "a good deal of females have fancied me. I just don't care to disclose any information of who they are."

"That means you've never had a girlfriend!" crowed Rasconza.

"Alright, fine!" shouted Ublaz. "If you must know . . . I _did _think that Sagitar was-"

_"Sagitar?!" _cried Rasconza, sitting up, eyes widening gleefully. "Hah! I _knew_ there had been somethin' goin' on between you two!" Suddenly the fox pulled a mock-sad face. "Oh, but she left you for _me."_

"And then she betrayed you," Ublaz shot back, grinning.

"No she didn't! I only thought she did-"

"Yes, which you _stupidly_ thought she did-"

"Grrr-!"

"HEY! None of that!" shouted Kelaiah.

Rasconza sat back, blowing out his nose.

"Alright, let's get to the next fanmail letter, okay? Ah, its from Much Ado About Nonny!"

_Ublaz:_

_I don't have any specific questions for you, but I must say, I like your taste in style. Good clothes is a sign of good taste...I like that. And it takes a *real* male to wear pink._

_Normally I don't go for males of vermin species, but I might..."might" being the operative word...make an exception for you. I mean, come on, in my fangirlish daydreams, I can definitely see being able to raid your closet and actually look *good*...and *feminine,* no less...in the stuff I stole from you. And then, when you stepped on your stupid pet snake and died, I could be rescued by Martin II and marry him! Dude, that's like, the perfect date!  
...For a Suethor, anyways. ;)_

_Rasconza:_

_Sorry, babe, I don't even crush on Jack Sparrow, and he's smarter than you. At least when *he* got killed by a girl, it was because she was distracting his attention by making out with him. But you? You were just stupid._

_For the both of you:_

_Don't even think that I would even dream of crushing on either one of you. Dandin is much cuter, and Martin II come in a close...well, second. Toodles!_

"Aha!" said Ublaz joyfully. "I've got another one! That makes it two to two! In your face, fox!"

"But she said she wouldn't dream of crushing on either of us-!"

"But she also said she'd make an exception with me-"

"But she also said _might-"_

"Which is more than what _you_ got-"

"Guys, guys!" said Kelaiah. "It counts, Ublaz has two votes, and Rasconza has two votes. It's tied now, clear?"

"Clear," said Ublaz, smirking at Rasconza.

"Clear," the fox mumbled. "You still haven't beat me," Rasconza growled after a moment.

"But I will, I will. . . ." the pine marten drawled.

"ANYway, would you please proceed. . . .?"

"Certainly," said Ublaz, who was mightily pleased with Nonny's letter. "First of all, Miss Nonny, thank you _so much _for your kind (and true) compliment; I always did think you had such lovely fashion sense!"

Rasconza snorted.

Ublaz ignored him. "However, I must point out that I actually have never worn pink. All of my robes are either green, black, gold, brown, but never pink. The only pink thing that I've ever wanted to wear were the pearls, but I never got them. _Siiiiggghhh. . . ."_

"Ah, pity for you," snapped Rasconza. _"I _would like to point out that she only wants to fangirl after you because she wants to go through yer closet-!"

"I was about to comment on that too," the pine marten said loftily. "Ahem, anyway, Miss Nonny, I'm afraid you a bit mistaken about wanting to wear some of my robes. I have seen your figure, and frankly, none of my things would fit you: you're much too slim and willowy. My robes have been created to fit _my _figure, which is, naturally, a lot broader than your's-"

"Yeah, especially around the waist."

"_Shut - _well, I suppose you do have a point. Nonny's waist _is _smaller than mine - BUT NOT BECAUSE I'M FAT!" the pine marten roared before Rasconza could make another such comment.

"And she clearly said she'd only have you just to get to Martin," the fox pointed out.

Ublaz shrugged. "So? What do I care? Nonny's a mouse, it's only natural she'd go after her own kind a bit more than she would for me. And at least she realizes her fantasy is Suethor-like. And besides, she has nicer things to say about me than about _you,_ my friend."

"I ain't yer friend!" snapped Rasconza. "And as for yer comment about Jack Sparrow bein' smarter'n me, Nonny, yer dead wrong! Nobeast can outsmart a fox-!"

"But didn't you fully read her comment?" interrupted Ublaz. "She said that Jack was killed because he was being distracted with, er, _romance,_ whereas you were just being stupid."

"Shut up! Let's get on with the next email! Who's it from?"

"The next fanmail is from storiewriter," said Kelaiah, smiling that it had been Rasconza who wanted to get on with things, and not him.

storiewriter's fanmail said the following:

_I would fangirl..._

_NEITHER._

"Ugh," said Ublaz. _"Another_ non-decided?"

"She says she doesn't like bad guys and only fangirls on special occasions," the ferret explained.

"But how do they expect this fight to get settled if they don't participate?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should've added in that they were to judge purely on looks," mused Kelaiah.

"But then there wouldn't have been any chance for Rasconza at all. . . ."

"Shut up, paunchy!"

"DON'T CALL ME 'PAUNCHY'!"

"ANYway, here's what the rest of her fanmail says."

_Ublaz: WHY in all season's name did you keep a lethally poisonous snake without having an antidote on hand in case you failed to keep control of it in the bloody castle?_

Ublaz answered the question as though the answer was highly obvious. "I kept it to guard my treasure, _duh. _Didn't you notice that one line whenever I hypnotized it? 'Golden guardian of my wealth'. It was so that nobeast could go in and steal my crown! Plus it also helped as practice for my eyes, it was always a great challenge to mesmerize it. And I did not fail to keep control of it - I never would have! The only reason it bit me was because I accidentally stepped on it; it had nothing to do with my powers failing me! So there! Hmph!"

"Her next question is for Rasconza," said Kelaiah.

"Alright," the fox said. "What is it?"

_Rasconza: What is twenty-nine times Ublaz's weight?_

"DON'T YOU _DARE _ANSWER THAT!" boomed Ublaz, pointing a well-painted claw the fox, whose entire countenance suddenly lit up.

"Oh, let me think now," Rasconza drawled, twiddling his own filthy claws.

_"Shut up," _warned Ublaz through gritted teeth.

"Oh Ublaz," said Kel. "How could he answer that? He doesn't even know how much you weigh!"

"Ah, but I do," said Rasconza with a crafty grin. "Say Kel, do you suppose I could have one of those . . . cal-cu-lay-tor things?"

In an instant, the desired object was in the fox's paw, and he began pressing away at its brightly-colored buttons.

"What are you doing?" Ublaz demanded.

"Figuring out what twenty-nine times your weight is, matey!" the fox sweetly replied. "Ah, here we are. The answer is eighty-seven hundred pounds!"

_"Eighty-seven hundred pounds?!" _cried Ublaz. "Wha- but- Kel, can I-?"

Another calculator was in Ublaz's paw. The pine marten began his own bit of arithmetic.

"Eighty-seven hundred divided by twenty-nine," he mumbled to himself as he pushed the right buttons.

The answer came up.

His eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

". . . I DO _NOT_ WEIGH THREE-HUNDRED POUNDS!!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Rasconza, who didn't look sorry at all. "Did I get that wrong? You must weight _four-_hundred, right?"

_"No-"_

"Even heavier? Well, I might've guessed that. How about five-hundred? Or six? Or seven? Oh, wait, maybe I'm still too low. How 'bout a _thousand?"_

Ublaz sputtered for a moment before finding his tongue. "Wha- but- tha- _that's a physical impossibility!!"_

"That is true," conceded Kelaiah.

"Alright, fine then, Ublaz, what _is _your weight?" Rasconza asked, leering at the pine marten.

"That's none of your business!"

"Oooh, it's a _high_ number, isn't it?" the fox said gleefully.

_"None of your business!"_

"Oh I know!" Rasconza said, getting up. "We can weigh you on one of those weighing machines. 'ere, do we have one in- oh here it is!"

The fox trotted over to where a scale that was in one of the room's corners (whether it had just appeared there or it had been there the whole time but nobeast had noticed it, was anybeast's guess). He turned back to Ublaz, who was sitting firmly in his chair, arms crossed, eyes glaring.

"Here y'go! Get on here and we'll see 'ow much y'weigh!"

"It's none of your business how much I weigh," the pine marten growled. "I already told you that!"

"Ah, c'mon!" said Rasconza, heading over to Ublaz. "I wanna know!"

"No!"

"C'mon! What's the matter, paunchy? 'fraid you'll be revealed to be fat after all?"

"Don't call me 'paunchy'! And _don't touch me!"_

"Just get on the weigh machine!" Rasconca barked, grabbing fistfuls of Ublaz's robe and pulling him out of his chair.

_"NO! _Get your filthy paws offa me!" Ublaz shouted, struggling to break free.

"Not till we see 'ow much you weigh!" Rasconza pinned the marten's arms behind his back, frog-marching him towards the scale.

"NO! Arrgh, get offa me! Grr, grraaah!" Ublaz's footpaws skidded across the floor as he was brought nearer and nearer towards the scale. . . .

**_KER-_WHAM!**

_"Ugh!"_

Rasconza staggered; Ublaz had brought his head back sharply, landing a heavy blow into the fox's muzzle.

Freeing his arms, the pine marten elbowed Rasconza in the stomach and, turning fully around, kicked him down.

Then, stepping over the gasping fox, Ublaz returned to his seat and sat back down, arms crossed and eyes glaring again.

Rasconza got back to his feet, feeling his nose. It wasn't broken (either because of fanfiction or because Ublaz's head wasn't heavy enough, he didn't know), but still a bit tender. He walked back to his own seat on slightly unsteady footpaws, and sank down into it, breathing heavily and glaring right back at Ublaz.

Kelaiah's voice sounded over the intercom.

"Er . . . okay then . . . let's just get on with the next fanmail, shall we?"

Neither beast answered him.

"Ahem," the ferret said. "Anyway, the next fanmail comes from Aris Dalton."

_To be completely honest, I wouldn't be a fangirl for either of them. I don't usually like book (or movie) characters in that way. On the other hand, I do have a question for each of them._

_Ublaz: Is it true that you are secretly in love with yourself?_

_Rasconza: If you had a pearl for every time someone has called you "pirate scum", how many pearls would you have?_

Both Ublaz and Rasconza ignored her non-fangirl-comment, but they did answer the questions she had for them.

Ublaz seemed surprised by her question. "'Secretly'? What secret is there about it? I thought I always made it quite clear that I am! Believe me, my dear, if I could run across a field of daisies into my own arms, I would do it!"

Rasconza blinked. "'A field of daisies'?"

"Oh, you know what I mean; its a bit of a cliche plot device or whatever you call it, where two so-called 'soul mates' meet for the first time or see each other after a long time of being parted, and they run across a field (sometimes of daisies) into each others arms."

"Huh," was all Rasconza could think of a reply. "Oh, and miz Dalton, about your question towards me, about many pearls I'd have every time I've been called 'pirate scum' . . . well, I'd certainly have more pearls than Ublaz!"

"Shut up," snapped the pine marten.

"Anyway," said Kel. "Let's take a look at the next fanmail - why, it's from Laburnum Steelfang! How nice!"

"Don't be too sure," muttered Ublaz, who rather resented miss Steelfang for her . . . 'opinion' of him.

_Don't go in for fangirling much myself - it's more fun to make fun of other peoples' tendencies towards it than do it myself. If I had to pick I'd probably go for Ublaz, just because he has more money. Can see where my priorities lie, can't you? Hehehe._

Ublaz was very surprised, but pleased. "Well! So that's _three_ for me, and only _two_ for you, fox!"

"You do realize," Rasconza shot back, "that all the ones that are choosing you are only doing it for your money?"

"Well why wouldn't they?" the pine marten replied. "They're choosing me by what I have to offer - which, I must say, is more than what _you've_ got to offer. _I _have wealth and good looks, that's all the positive stuff I have to offer them, and they, being the intelligent creatures that they are, are taking it without trying to 'reform' me. Ugh, the thought of being chased around by some female who thinks she's 'special' enough to make me see the 'errors of my ways', oh please, give me a break."

Rasconza snorted, but found he actually agreed with the marten. But he didn't say it out loud.

"There's more to her fanmail," said Kelaiah. "She sent it to me via Deviantart because she couldn't think of one while reviewing."

_Are you upset by the mockery furry fans suffer on the Internet, or do you think they're all crazy and deserve it?_

"I think a little bit of both," Ublaz mused, stroking his chin.

"Yeah, me too," nodded Rasconza, deciding that this was a matter where it was okay to agree with Ublaz on.

That was all they would say.

"The next fanmail comes from angel0fmus1c," said Kelaiah.

_Hm, decisions, decisions. On the one hand, Rasconza is probably in better shape than Ublaz, and a corsair fox at that. On the other hand, Ublaz has the treasure necessary to supply me with shiny, pretty things. Can I go with the snake?_

_Ublaz: Where did you find the lizards? How did you convince them to work for you and not attempt a rebellion?_

_Rasconza: Why did you go back to gloat? If you only wounded Sagitar, it was a very silly thing to do._

"So . . . did she decide?" asked Ublaz.

"Does it _look _like she did?" was Rasconza's sarcastic answer. "Ugh, we've got another no-choice on our paws."

"Well, at least this time one of them had something _nice _to say about us," pointed out Ublaz.

"Yeah, I guess," conceded Rasconza. "At least she regarded the fact that I'm in better shape than you-"

"And that _I _have more treasure than you'll ever have!" snarled Ublaz.

The fox, however, only smirked.

"But what did she mean by 'can I go with the snake'?" inquired Ublaz.

"I'm not sure," said Kelaiah.

"Maybe she was stating one of the drawbacks of being Ublaz's fangirl," suggested Rasconza slyly.

"Shut up," said Ublaz. "But anyway, about your questions, miss angel, I didn't exactly find the lizards, that is, I didn't find them on some random island and recruit them to Sampetra. No, they were already living on the island, and I hypnotized them all to bend to my will - which is how I 'convinced' them to work for me. And as for them not rebelling, well, they certainly couldn't rebel against me, because all the other creatures on the island hated them and wanted them dead, so they needed my palace for protection."

"Also," put in Rasconza. "I refuse to answer the same question twice. If you want to know _why _I gloated over Sagitar's body, then you might recall that I was already asked that by that Song lady, and that I already gave an explanation. Just roll up this page and you'll see it." The fox paused, and suddenly turned to Ublaz. "I'm never gonna live that down, am I?"

Ublaz shook his head, deciding (for once) not to rib him - at least not yet.

"The next fanmail is from The Crazili Obsessed," announced Kelaiah.

_Let's see... Freaky pearl obsessed hypnotizer versus addle-brained pirate. Hm. At least I could manipulate the pirate... *evil grin* I'll go with Rasconza. Heh._

Ublaz frowned. "I resent being called a 'freaky pearl-obsessed hypnotizer."

"And I am not an addle-brained pirate!" shouted Rasconza. "And I resent you picking me simply because you think you can manipulate me! Nobeast can manipulate me!"

"I did," said Ublaz. "Remember, when I rigged your ship to sink?"

The fox blinked. "Well that was only that one time! It'll never 'appen again!"

Ublaz sighed. "Ah, if only I had put a slow-acting poison in all of your grog as well, though. That way you and Guja never would have returned, and all probably would've worked out for me!"

"Yeah but you _didn't," _spat Rasconza. "Huh, I shoulda known better'n than to trust you!"

"It's a shame you guys didn't trust each other," commented Kelaiah. "Together, the two of you would've been unstopable, and probably would've defeated the Redwallers. Not that I wanted them to be defeated, but, yeah. . . ."

Both Ublaz and Rasconza blinked at that, and then turned to look at each other, realizing the ferret had a point.

"Er, yeah . . . let's not talk about that, okay?" said Ublaz.

Rasconza nodded. "Yeah."

"But here's the rest of The Crazili Obsessed's fanmail," said Kelaiah.

_Questions:_

_Ublaz: Monitor lizards: are they reliable? Are they effective? Are they easy to hire? Would you recommend them as security force? Can anyone control them?_

_Rasconza: Ever heard the saying 'Look before you leap'? Did you know that it can apply to gloats, too?_

Ublaz thought for a moment before replying. "Mm, yes, I'd say they are reliable. That is, they're reliable when you want them to do things they actually can _do. _For instance, I wanted Lask to travel across the sea for the pearls, which was a mistake on my part, seeing as how Lask had never been to sea before, and couldn't function well in such cooler weather. But while on Sampetra, nobeast messed with Lask. He was very effective in keeping the corsairs in line.

"And as for your question about whether they're easy to hire, well, I suppose they would be - if you had plenty of meat to offer them, as well as warmth and essential protection. And yes, I suppose I would recommend them as a security force. Even though they were useless when the timber pile caught on fire, and they were hard put when we were under siege, but really, what creature isn't like that in those situations? During the time of no rebellion, they were able to keep everybeast in line.

"And finally, your last question: no, not anybeast can control them. I was able to control them with my hypnotic eyes, and Lask controlled them by his superior size and strength. But I suppose you might be able to control your own squad of them by throwing them proper amounts of meat."

"And as for your question towards me," said Rasconza. "I believe I already explained it to that angel-what's-'er-name and that Song lady. So there!"

"Here is another fanmail," announced Kelaiah. "The sender is Ripedeath. Ooh, ominous name."

_For Ublaz: why did you have a castle on a tiny island?_

Ublaz stared at the question. "Okay, first of all, Sampetra is _not _tiny, its a very sizable piece of land. I'm fairly sure there's a picture of it on the inside of the book, it'll show you how big the castle is compared to the rest of the island. As for why I had a castle . . . I'm an Emperor! Why _wouldn't_ I have a castle?"

"The next fanmail is from PASSION4WRITING4EVER," said Kelaiah, who wondered if saying her penname made it seem like he was shouting.

__

Gotta love Rasconza, man! Foxes all the way! He's way awesome--I'm his fangirl!

Rasconza perked up quite considerably. "Well! Now isn't that nice? That's another one fer me!"

"Oh joy," said Ublaz, rolling his eyes.

"Now let's see," Rasconza said. "How many does that make a-piece fer us?"

"Ublaz has three," Kelaiah said, "and Rasconza has four."

"Hey!" the fox cried gleefully. "I've got more fangirls than Ublaz! I'm winning!"

"The fanmail hasn't all been read yet," growled Ublaz (but he couldn't stop that awful feeling of uncertainty broiling in his belly; he suddenly wished he hadn't eaten those marchpane balls). "We've still got a long way to go."

Rasconza crossed his arms cockily. "Aye, that may be, but I'm going to beat you, Mad Eyes. Might as well throw yer turban in to save y'self the embarrassment."

The pine marten only smiled thinly. "I'll take my chances," he breathed.

"The next fanmail is from the lovely Oreramar!" Kelaiah announced.

(Both Ublaz and Rasconza had a pretty fair guess what she was goind to say about the fangirling.)

_Sorry, guys, but I don't really 'fangirl' over characters. I'll 'fangirl' over amazing swordfighting, but that's about it._

(They were right.)

_And don't get any bright ideas about showing off to gain approval in your little bet, either. Neither a fox corsair nor a pine marten emporer will be able to beat out a Master Jedi or a Mako-enhanced SOLDIER in the sword-battle area._

Ublaz blinked. "A . . . what?"

Rasconza scratched his head. "What's a . . . Mako-enhanced soldier?"

"I don't know," said Kelaiah, furrowing his brow. "But, I'm sure she'll explain in her next review. Now, how's about you guys continue on with the rest of her fanmail?"

_Ublaz: Are you straight, gay, or a narcissist? What in a beast would you be attracted to?  
(I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, because on that tiny island of yours there wasn't bound to be very many eligible beasts of a suitable species for you to choose from)_

"Narcissit," was the pine marten's prompt reply. "I make no secret of it. The only creature I really care about is myself - and frankly, I'm surprised you even need to ask such a question! Really, did I show any interest in any of the other creatures except my reflection?

"And as for your question on what I look for in a beast, well . . . I suppose, ideally, I would look for somebeast who is my double, more or less. Only minus the hypnotic stare, and they would be loyal to me and to me alone. I think it would be just lovely to meet a female that was like that - except she might have cubs, which isn't exactly what I'm looking for at the moment.

"And thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt, because you are quite correct in saying that there wasn't anybeast on the island that would've attracted me.

"I mean, come on, the Trident-rats were just a bunch of mindless soldiers, not really good for anything except carrying out security and order. And Sagitar, well, she was nice to look at and to have around, but there was a reason why she was my _left_ paw.

"And Lask and the Monitor lizards . . . do I really need to go into that? Their claws would cause more harm than pleasure - they'd ruin my robes! And their skin is all dry and rustly, and their tongues are so freakish and slithery, and their breath - _ugh!"_

"I always wondered about that," mentioned Rasconza. "Why didn't you just hypnotize them into cleaning their teeth?"

"I _tried,"_ sighed the emperor, "but they need a daily amount of meat, as they can eat little else, and as that is what causes their breath to smell so bad, cleaning their mouths out would be a tedious task and distract them from their duties. Besides, they're a lot more intimidating when their breath reeks.

"It's a similar story with Rasconza and the corsairs," the pine marten went on. "They were all a dirty, smelly bunch, and they all wanted to rebel against me and do me in, so _that _destroyed any relationship I could've had with them!

"Probably the only creature there I would've seriously liked would've been Romsca. She was dirty, true, but kept herself a bit cleaner than others, and I always did admire a fiesty female with guts. So much more attractive than Sagitar!"

"I'll agree w'ye there!" grinned Rasconza.

The two shared a high-five.

"Okaaaaaay," said Kelaiah, weirded out by the other two vermin getting along again. "Moving on!"

_Also, if someone reached into your closet at random and swiped a dre--(cough)--robe, I mean. If someone swiped a robe from your closet in the dark, what color would they most likely get, based on probability alone?_

"That is right," Ublaz said through clenched teeth. "They are _robes,_ NOT 'dresses'! Honestly, _why _does everybeast keep on calling them that? I notice nobeast is pointing out how the Redwallers seem to wear 'dresses' as well!" The pine marten sighed, ignored Rasconza's chuckles, and went on.

"If somebeast did swipe a robe from my closet in the dark, I'd say they'd most likely get a green one. As I've said before, green suits me. Hm, maybe some day, during my next interview or something, I'll wear my green silk robe with the sharkskin belt, along with the green turban with the silver fringes and the green silk scarf that Rasconza gave me."

"How lovely," jeered Rasconza. "But anyway, its time fer me to answer the questions she had fer me!"

_Rasconza: Same first two questions as Ublaz. Straight, gay, or narcissist, and what do you look for in another (or in yourself, given the third option)?_

"Okay, I can understand you asking _Ublaz _that-!"

"Hey!"

"-but why are you asking _me_ that? Since when did I ever show any interest in males?!"

"Well, you never showed any interest in females," said Kelaiah.

"Shut up," the fox snapped. "Well, if you must have a straight answer . . . heh, _straight _answer. Weak pun, I know, but true. That's what I am. Straight. But I admit, there's a little bit of narcissist in there as well. If I ended up not marrying or anything, I wouldn't mind that. The thought of having only myself fer company doesn't scare me. But what I'd look for in a mate, I suppose like Ublaz, I'd want somebeast like me, but also _loyal_, and that is, loyal to _me. _I was a little interested in Sagitar at first: I mean, she was a coward and all, but a _pretty_ coward nonetheless! But beauty's nothin' when it's gonna stab you in the back."

"Or when it guts you while you're leaning over it gloating," Ublaz slyly remarked.

"Shut up!"

_Second question for you - Did you always want to be a corsair? Or did you have another occupation in mind when you were a cub?_

"Nope," said Rasconza. "Always wanted t'be a corsair. My daddy was a corsair, just like his daddy, and his daddy, and his daddy afore him, and on and on and on and on and so forth and so forth-"

"Okay, okay! We get it!" shouted Ublaz.

Rasconza smirked.

"Alright then," announced Kelaiah. "This is our _last_ fanmail!"

Both corsair and emperor sat up straight. This was it, the final vote. It could only be one of three things: a vote for Ublaz (which would tie them), a vote for Rasconza (securing a win for the fox), or an undecided (which would still secure a win for Rasconza).

Ublaz was a little baffled he hadn't received more votes; surely there was some mistake?!

"Our last fanmail comes from music4evah," Kelaiah read. "And this is what she has to say."

_Ok, so, if I had to fangirl somebody, I guess I would have to go with Ublaz, mainly because I looked him up on redwall wiki and he looks better than Rasconza, AND because he has money! (I'm not greedy or anything, but it's a good thing to have around.)_

"YES! _Wahoo!"_

Ublaz shot his fist into the air, completely elated that he hadn't gotten less than Rasconza. Sure, he would've settled for having more, but, right now, tying didn't seem _so_ bad. Plus, he was extremely grateful that _finally somebeast _had acknowledged the fact that he was handsomer than Rasconza. He must make certain to send music4evah some roses (or any other type of flower, in case she didn't like them).

Rasconza, of course, was disappointed that music4evah hadn't chosen him (and insulted that she said that Ublaz was better-looking than him), but he supposed that things could've been worse: he could've lost!

"Well, that's that!" said Ublaz, brushing his paws. "Now, Kelaiah, we've answered all our fanmail, like you wanted, so now why don't you let us go?"

"Let you go?"

The fox and pine marten exchanged glances - glances that were suddenly full of apprehension.

"Er - yes, let us go. We, we finished all the fanmail-"

"But what about the punishments?"

Both Ublaz and Rasconza blinked.

"But . . . Kel," Rasconza slowly said. "We . . . we tied."

"So?"

"But . . . there's no need for us to be punished!"

"Rasconza . . . _buddy,_ did you _really _think that I'd have all this drama over which of you has the most fangirls, and NOT have either of you go through your punishment for losing?"

"But . . . but. . . ." stammered the fox and pine marten. "We . . . we _tied _. . . we . . . we. . . ."

And yet they knew it was pointless.

* * *

**A/N:** Simply because this chapter has run on too long, I'm going to have their punishments in the next chapter. Plus I'll introduce the next duo.

I hope you all enjoyed this, and got satisfying answers (I tried answering them as realistically as possible)! God bless!

Until next time,

~Kel


	3. The Punishment

"Dear reader," said Kelaiah. "It has been brought to my attention that this fic is against the rules of . Now even though there are a great many fics on this site that have broken the rules and yet are still in existance, there is still a good chance that this fic (and even my account) will be taken down. Which is why I ask you all to be on standby, so to speak. But have no fear, I still plan on going on with this fic, since it seems to be such a rocketing success."

("Yeah, right," grumbled Ublaz and Rasconza.)

"Alright," Kel's voice boomed over the intercom. "Last time we left off, both of our characters here tied in their fangirl contest - and I must say now that anyone who voted _after_ the results came in, I'm sorry, but your vote no longer counts. You were just too late - but better timing next time, right?

"Now then, just what were the punishments you each had in mind for each other?"

"But, but Kel," Ublaz and Rasconza stammered. "We _tied,_ we don't need to be punished!"

The ferret gave a scowling sigh. "Look, do either of you recall that one episode on _The Simpsons_ where Homer and Ned Flanders had a bet on their sons playing against each other at golf, and it ended in a tie, but Homer and Ned both went on with the punishments?"

"No," the fox and pine marten said.

Kelaiah rolled his eyes. _"Look,"_ he said testily. "After all you guys went through, after all _I_ went through, after all the _readers_ went through, you guys are going to go through with the punishments whether you like it or not! Now tell me, either you choose to reveal what punishments you had in mind for each other, or _I'll_ be the one deciding the punishments, or better yet, the _reviewers-"_

_"Okay, okay, we'll talk! We'll TALK!"_

"Good," smirked Kelaiah. "Now then, Ublaz, why don't you go first. If you had gotten more fangirls than Rasconza, what would've he had to do?"

"Well, he. . . ." the pine marten trailed off momentarily.

"Yeees?" the ferret prompted.

"He would have to let me hypnotize him."

"NO!" shouted Rasconza, toppling backwards out of his chair. "NO! Absolutely not! I REFUSE! That is totally and absolutely and unnecessarily cruel, you can't do this t'me, Kelaiah! You can't! Ah, c'mon, mate, you wouldn't be that cruel to a poor old fox, would ye?"

Kelaiah answered by sending out the same straps from chapter 1 to tie the fox up.

"Alright, Ublaz. You know what to do."

While Rasconza had been wailing and pleading with Kelaiah, Ublaz had suddenly felt his powers return. Grinning, the pine marten walked up to the tied-up fox, whose eyes met with Ublaz's. . . .

Rasconza began to stop struggling, and eventually became still as a rock. The straps binding him melted away, but the fox didn't try to make a run for it. He stared dead-straight into the pine marten's almond-shaped dark eyes, all emotion wiped from his visage.

Ublaz grinned. A very broad grin, one might add.

Finally . . . _finally _he had that little foxy trapped in his gaze! Ublaz had never been able to entrance Rasconza with his hypnotic stare in the book, and because of that the murderous game between them had been so rocky . . . but now. . . .

The pine marten continued to grin malevolently at the corsair, who sat staring dumbly back. Ublaz began to feel slightly giddy. What should he do now?!

After giving a moment's thought, the pine marten ordered, "Slap yourself."

Rasconza obeyed, bringing his paw up and striking himself heavily across the face.

_Smack!_

Ublaz almost giggled. "Slap yourself again."

The fox complied.

_Smack!_

"Again."

_Smack!_

"Again."

_Smack!_

"Again."

_Smack!_

"Again, _again,_ AGAIN!"

Smack, _smack,_ SMACK!

Finally the pine marten began to tire of this, so he set about for something else for his rival to do. . . .

After giving a few moments thoughts, the mad-eyed Emperor gave another grin and said, "Say Kel, may I have a one of those cam-recorder things?"

The desired object appeared just a few feet away from the table.

Ublaz turned back to Rasconza. "Go and stand in front of it," he ordered.

The fox wordlessly obeyed.

Ublaz stood behind the camera to make certain it was on and working. Once satisified, the pine marten told his rival, "Introduce yourself."

Rasconza spoke in a robotic monotone. "Hello. My name is Rasconza, captain of the _Bloodkeel_."

"Pledge your undying allegiance to me!"

"I pledge my undying allegiance to his mightiness, Emperor Ublaz."

"I am your emperor and in all ways superior to you!"

"Ublaz is my emperor and in all ways superior to me."

"You have always been jealous of me and want to be me!"

"I have always been jealous of Ublaz and want to be just like him."

"I am the greatest creation there ever was! And you are nothing but a lowly maggot!"

"Ublaz is the greatest creation there ever was, and I am nothing but a lowly maggot."

"I am still young, in my prime, and NOT fat in any way, shape, or form!"

"Ublaz is still young, in his prime, and NOT fat in any way, shape, or form."

"I have excellent taste in clothing and you have very _poor_ taste in clothing! In fact, your clothes are terrible!"

"Ublaz has excellent taste in clothing and I have very poor taste in clothes. In fact, my clothes are terrible."

"My death was . . . totally awesome and poetic and tragic, whereas your's was just stupid!"

"Ublaz's death was totally awesome and poetic and tragic, whereas mine was just stupid."

"I am the swordbeast you will never be, and you can't . . . hmm . . . well . . . you just smell bad."

"Ublaz is the swordbeast that I will never be, and I just smell bad."

The pine marten was beginning to run out of ideas, when suddenly his eyes lit up evilly.

"And you also sleep with a little stuffed bunny named 'Froo-Froo'!"

"I also sleep with a little stuffed bunny named 'Froo-Froo'."

Ublaz laughed at that. Ah, it felt so good to get revenge on Rasconza like this! Satisified with what he had recorded, the pine marten turned off the recorder and said to Kelaiah, "Would you mind keeping this in a safe place for me so I can make copies?"

"Sure thing," the ferret replied, and with that, the recorder disappeared.

Ublaz, however, wasn't quite finished with Rasconza yet.

"Now, Rasconza, my friend," he said, strolling over to the statue-still fox. "Listen very closely to what I'm about to tell you.

"Everytime I say the word 'favorite', you shall always stand up and scream 'I want my mommy'. Got it?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Good," said Ublaz, grateful for remembering that one Talk Show he had been on; what had been the host's name? Ah, Snowfur, right. The memory suddenly sparked another memory. . . .

"Say, Kelaiah, can I have that recorder back?"

Immediately, the recorder was back in place. Ublaz then said to Rasconza, "Now then, Rasconza. I want you to step behind that curtain over there and change into. . . ." the pine marten's voice became very low as he leaned in to whisper into the fox's ear.

Rasconza wordlessly did as he was told . . . and within minutes he was standing back out in front of the camera, dressed very similarly to a certain weasel who made his debue on Nonny's Redwall on Broadway. Only he had flower-bracelets on his wrists and ankles, a large flower-necklace hanging on his neck, and several more tropical flowers dotted his brush.

Ublaz, whose cheeks were beginning to hurt from grinning so much, turned on the recorder, and said, "Start singing, fox."

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CU CU RAUCHA! LAA CU CU RAUCHA! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAA!"

The pine marten then lost all control of himself and was soon on all fours, pounding his fists into the floor. Rasconza continued his singing and dancing, oblivious to all about him.

Finally, Ublaz, wiping his eyes with one of his silk kerchiefs, stood up, wheezing and crying out, "Enough! Enough!"

Immediately Rasconza become stone-still again.

Making certain he still had room on the recorder, the pine marten then told the fox to go and change behind the curtain again. Only this time . . .

. . . he came out wearing a frilly dress of a shade of pink that clashed horribly with his red fur. A gigantic bow perched itself on top of the fox's head, and his brush was now arrayed in several pink ribbons.

"Here you go," Ublaz said pleasantly, presenting Rasconza with a rose. "Put that between your teeth and start singing 'I'm a Little Teapot'."

Rasconza obligued, doing all the right dance movements for each song. After he was finished, Ublaz permitted him to change into his old garb again, and had Kelaiah store the recorder someplace safe.

("Hah," thought Ublaz. "The next step will be to make copies and sell them to the highest bidders!")

Once again the fox stood stock still, and Ublaz began firing off orders.

"Whenever I say, 'I am Ublaz, the greatest warlord there ever was', you say, 'And I'm just a smelly old seafox'."

"Yes, my lord."

"Whenever I say, 'Lovely', you shall say, 'I stink'."

"Yes, my lord."

"And every time a bell rings, you shall cluck like a chicken."

"Yes, my lord."

"And . . . let's see. Ummm . . . whenever I say 'I'm smart', you say 'And I'm stupid'."

"Yes, my lord."

"And . . . oh, let's see. What else is there? Ugh, I'm running out of ideas. . . ." The pine marten's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh, I know.

"Everytime I say 'Rasconza', you shall say, 'I listen to the Backstreet Boys'."

"Yes, my lord."

Ublaz nodded. "Good. I think I'm done here. Now Rasconza, by the time I count to three, you'll have forgotten all of this. You won't remember any of it, alright?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Good. Alright then, one, two, three!"

Rasconza blinked. He looked around. "Wha . . . wh-what 'appened? I thought ye were going to hypnotize me!"

Ublaz (who noticed that his powers were once again gone, but this time he didn't mind so much) smiled and said, "Mm, I decided not to after all."

The fox stared before grinning wolfishly. "Ooh, I get it! You think that if you refuse to do anythin' t'me, I'll refuse t'do anythin' to you! Well, it's not gonna work, Mad-Eyes! Yore gettin' punished, all th' same!"

"Very well, very well," murmured Ublaz as he sat back down in his chair. "So, what do you plan to do to me? Carve my eyes out? Beat me senseless? Pour oil all over my robes? If you do, please allow me brace myself."

Rasconza, however, shook his head. "Oh no, Ublaz. I've got something much, much worse planned for you."

The pine marten blinked and sat up a little straighter. "What do you mean?"

"Well," the fox-pirate drawled. "Y'know how I've been callin' you 'fat' lately?"

"Yeeesss," Ublaz replied slowly, narrowing his eyes.

"Well, I've got to admit, I was wrong t'do that."

Ublaz was very taken aback - and even more suspicious.

"Y'see," continued Rasconza, coming closer. "Yer not really fat. Not really. A little soft, maybe. But definitely not fat."

"Where are you going with this?" demanded Ublaz, feeling more uneasy by the moment.

"Well, I decided that in order fer to be able to call you 'fat', you'd actually have to be fat!"

"What's this-?"

But before the pine marten could get another word out, Rasconza pulled out a bone whistle and blew a long, sharp whistle.

"Wotwot, top hole, wot wot!"

Ublaz suddenly knew what was coming. He leapt up, trying to make a run for it, but the weird!hares seized him and pushed him back down into his chair and held him there while some more of them spread out a long cloth across the table. Several bowls, plates, and platters of all kinds of food appeared on it, and the hares began stuffing Ublaz silly.

First they fed him some yellow cheese, followed by some soft nutbread, candied chestnuts, elderberry cordial, apple and damson pie, deeper'n'ever pie, a chestnut and blackberry flan, a multicolored woodland trifle with yellow meadowcream, mushroom soup with chopped carrots, October ale, dark fruit cake, honey rhubarb crumble, plum pudding, fresh spring salad, soft white cheese, hot baked oatbread, mushroom and leek pastie, cold mint tea, strawberry cordial, deeper'n'ever turnip'n'tater'n'beetroot pie, carrot and mushroom flan, hot oatcakes covered in honey, greensap milk, a cheese flan, an Abbot Durral surprise cake, cress and watershrimp soup, celery and leek turnovers, strong old chestnut cheese, barley bread, greengage flan, latticed redcurrant tart, maple cordial, parsnip and mushroom pastie, and nutbread rolls.

By about this time, Ublaz's waistsash had been growing tighter and tighter. The pine marten groaned as his expanding stomach strained against the offending garment. None of the hares bothered to remove the sash, probably because they were too intent on feeding Ublaz. Just when it seemed as though the waistsash was going to cut through his skin-

_Bam!_

The sash broke, and Ublaz's belly flopped out, causing the hares surrounding him to roar in laughter. They began to use his paunch as a drum, each taking their turn and making up a little ditty about the pine marten. The hares were quite enjoying themselves; it had been awhile since they had been able to do this Martin the Warrior (and the warriormouse was doing everything in his power to make certain they would never get another chance), and Ublaz's paunch was quite a nice drum; the silk robe added a smoothness to the rhythm.

Then suddenly one of the hares pulled out a barrel of hotroot'n'watershrimp soup and poured all of its contents down Ublaz's throat. Within moments heavy steam was shooting out of the pine marten's ears, which is why the hares started giving him ice-cold beverages: elderberry wine, dandelion and burdock cordial, beetroot wine, parsnip cordial, pennycloud wine, raspberry vinegar, and pink rhubarb wine.

Blackcurrant muffins, dandelion tea, pear pudding, elderberry and rosehip cordial made their way into Ublaz's mouth, followed by a leek pastie, hazelnut cheese, hazelnut pudding, elderberry tart, plum cordial, celery and mushroom turnover, heavy fruitcake, apple pie, bilberry scones, a sizable lobster, lots of Honey Moles, soups and stews of seaweed and shellfish, and melons.

Ublaz nearly choked on the melons, but he somehow managed to swallow as the hares were continually stuffing his face with the following: wild grape trifle, strawberry fizz, yellow cheese with chestnut and celery, white cheese with hazelnuts, pale gold cheese with chives and apples, soft cream cheese with almonds, fawn-colored cheese with carrot and acorn, solid reddy cheese with radish and onion, hazelnut cream pie, meadowcream trifle, pear flan, mint wafers, and a chestnut and mushroom flan, and much, much more.

It was only after the hares started using Ublaz's paunch as boxing practice that the pine marten lost consciousness. . . .

* * *

"Ublaz? Hey Ublaz, wake up!"

The pine marten gave a bit of a start and opened his eyes, only to shut them tightly and groan.

"Ugh, where am I?"

"Still in this fanmail-answering-room-place," came the voice of Rasconza.

Ublaz groaned again, rubbing his eyes. "Oh, I had the worst nightmare. . . ."

"Wasn't any nightmare, matey."

Ublaz opened his eyes again, and saw a very blurry Rasconza - and realized his powers were still gone.

"That . . . that really happened?"

The fox nodded, and as the pine marten's eyesight cleared, he saw an evil grin spreading across his features. "Oh yes. And if y'don't believe me. . . ." he trailed off, glancing downwards.

Slowly, Ublaz also looked down . . . and saw. . . .

"Heh, _now_ I can call you 'paunchy', eh?"

The pine marten looked up from his protruding belly into the fox's face, rage filling him. Rasconza only stared back, still with that grin on his face.

"What's the matter? Did ye swallow yer tongue too?"

Ublaz began to feel himself shake with anger.

"Careful, now," Rasconza admonished. "Don't wanna do that, it makes yer fat jiggle."

The pine marten opened his mouth to say that he was not fat - except he was, which caused him to close his lips. He could only stare, furious, powerless, into the smug, smirking face of Rasconza, who he didn't hate more than this moment -

_Think of the vid, the vid!_ the pine marten's brain reminded him. _You'll be able to get back at him later!_

Right. He'd have his revenge. For now, he'll just let Rasconza gloat; after all, that was just the sort of thing the fox would do: gloat over his fallen enemy while they brought him down with them.

"Right then," Rasconza's voice interrupted. "Let's get you on that scale now, shall we?"

Ublaz started. _"What? _No! Keep away! I won't be weighing myse-"

"Too bad, pudgy," the fox snapped, heaving the potbellied pine marten out of his chair.

"Don't call me 'pudgy'!" Ublaz raged, struggling to break free - only to realize he was too overstuffed to fight back.

"Oh I'm sorry," replied Rasconza as he dragged his rival across the floor. "I said I'd call you 'paunchy', didn't I? So sorry, _paunchy."_

"Grrah! Grrr!" Ublaz tried to bring his head back sharply like before - except his body didn't seem to want to obey him. Plus Rasconza was keeping his muzzle well out of range.

"C'mon, get that belly-fat onto the scale 'ere. Here we go!"

Ublaz felt his feet being placed firmly on the scale.

"Now stand up straight, go on! Don't try to lean on me!"

The poor overstuffed pine marten actually found himself obeying the orders - but then again, it was probably best that he did, as Rasconza would probably drop him if he leaned against the fox.

After a moment or two of silence, the corsair gave a low whistle.

"What?" rasped Ublaz.

"Wow," was all Rasconza would say.

_"What?"_

"Well . . . let's just say my previous calculation of twenty-nine times your weight is now _definitely _eighty-seven hundred."

"WHAT?!"

Ublaz tried to look down at the scale - except his belly was sticking so far out that he couldn't see. Rasconza saw what he was trying to do, and helped by placing his paw on the pine marten's paunch and pressing it inwards.

"There y'go. Can you see it now?"

Ublaz stared.

There, in a seemingly undeniable way, the scale read three-hundred pounds.

"Uuuhhh," was all the pine marten said as he swayed and lolled backwards into Rasconza.

However, the fox was not crushed by Ublaz's weight; he was able to hold both himself and the pine marten up.

"You rigged the scale to read three-hundred pounds, didn't you?" said Kelaiah. It wasn't a question.

Rasconza grinned. "Yep, I sure did!"

"Hm, I'm wondering whether you should tell him that or not . . . it might prove to be a source of relief and comfort for him . . . but then again it might increase the revenge he'll undoubtedly reek on you."

The fox corsair shrugged. "I'll take my chances."

"Right. Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you, fellas! We'll see you next time, maybe."

"Twas a pleasure," smiled Rasconza.

Ublaz seemed to be only half-conscious, murmuring to himself, "No . . . no . . . three . . . three . . . hundred . . . pounds . . . belly . . . fat . . . I'm . . . _fat. . . ."_

However, the pine marten's paunch quickly began to flatten until he was his normal size.

Rasconza shook his head sadly. "Ah, now that's a shame. Pity he couldn't have stayed like that. I enjoyed having a reason to call him paunchy."

"Well, that's all for now," was all Kelaiah could think to say. "Er, say Rasconza, on your way out, could you take Ublaz to the healers?"

"Certainly," was the fox's reply as he picked up the pine marten with surprising easiness. After looking about the windowless, doorless room, he said, "Er, Kel, how do I. . . .?"

"Oh sorry."

An open archway suddenly appeared in one of the walls that lead down a hall that lead to a healer's ward and back to Mossflower.

"Thankee," said Rasconza, and with that, he carried Ublaz down to the healers (knowing that if he didn't, Kelaiah would inflict severe trouble on his brush), and then made off to Mossflower to dwell in bliss obscurity until some other fanfiction author called upon him to star in their fic.

"Well, that's that!" said Kelaiah. "Now then, now that our first duo is done and finished with, why don't I introduce our next duo?

"Our next duo is going to be Laterose of Noonvale and Badrang the Tyrant. I think I'll have just an 'intro' chapter with them next to get them settled in their environment before answering the fanmail.

"But anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this, and are eagerly awaiting the next installment of _Redwall Fanfiction!_Bwa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa (cough)!"


	4. 2nd Intro

"Alright, ladies and gentlebeasts, here we are with the second round of Redwall Fanmail!" announced Kelaiah the skinny ferret.

"But first, before our duo comes out, I would like to introduce you all to a certain friend of mine whom I know off of Deviantart. May I present to you, Cole the . . . the . . . er. . . ." he trailed off, and suddenly whispered to his companion, "Hey, do you have a title or something? I can't remember if you do."

The genet ex-warlord leaned over to the skinny (and in his opinion, _middle-class-dressed_) ferret and whispered back "Warlord is fine, but you may call me by my full name, Cole Ruth."

"Well," said Kelaiah. "Since this site is about simply calling each other by our pennames or by the names of our alter egos, I shall simply just call you Cole the Warlord, eh? Sound good?"

Before the genet could answer, the ferret was gabbling on.

"Now, to those of you who don't know what a genet is, I'm sure Cole here will give you a bit of detail of what he is, like what family he's from (as in the mustelid family or cat family or something like that, for example). But aren't they a cute breed?"

Cole's face turned to an annoyed expression, involving laid back ears, an angry frown and a slight glare. _"Why_ do I have to explain my kind _all the time!? _Don't beasts or hu-mons or whatever they are called these days have something called 'google' to _look up these kinda things!?"_

The small, spotted genet then sat for a moment in silence with the same look . . . until he suddenly made a surprised gagging sound and took up an aggressive tone at Kel.

"Did you just call my kind CUTE!? Low class ferret!" He jumped on top of his chair and pointed a claw inches before the ferret's face. "We are _genets!_ Feared warlords of the unknown and shadows! NEVER call us cute!"

After yet another moment of silence, Cole suddenly realized that he had exploded in a rather undignified manner in the presence of a entire crowd . . . and on a site that was a lot like national TV. He slowly sat down with a slightly embarrassed look on his face.

Kelaiah stared, rather taken aback at Cole's outburst, but he quickly recovered and cleared his throat, turning back to the reader.

"Ahem, anyway, dear reader . . . yes, I suppose if you want to know what a genet is . . . well, like Cole said, google it." He finished with a weak smile. Then he coughed.

"Ahem. Well. Anyway . . . our next Redwall duo is Laterose of Noonvale, and Badrang the Tyrant. Say hi, you guys!"

The two said creatures were in the doorless, windowless room that Ublaz and Rasconza had once occupied, each sitting at the end of the table with a laptop facing them so they could answer their fanmail/emails.

"Hello, Kelaiah," smiled Laterose, or simply Rose.

Badrang, however, snorted. "Can't believe I was actually dragged into this. What'd I do to deserve this?"

At that, Rose brought out a sledgehammer and slammed it into the stoat's head. But he didn't die, as he would have under different circumstances, but rather got quite a nasty headache (that was quickly cured by some aspirin and water supplied by Kel's lazer).

"Ah, now I remember," Badrang said, glaring at the mousemaid he so callously murdered. Stupid stoat.

"Hey!" objected Badrang. "Martin ended up killing me in the end and all, and if it wasn't for me, Mossflower would've been enslaved by Tsarmina and Redwall Abbey never would've been built-"

"Are you actually saying that you've got a heart?" said Rose, raising her eyebrows at the stoat.

"What?" asked Badrang, blinking.

"You're expressing concern over others and remorse at the thought of Redwall Abbey never being built-"

"Shut up!" shouted Badrang.

"DON'T TELL HER TO SHUT UP!" ROARED MARTIN, WHO CHARGED OUT OF NOWHERE - but was then transported back to wherever he came from.

"Nobeast is allowed inside the fanmail room unless I bring them there!" hollered Kelaiah. "Ahem, anyway, but yeah, Badrang. Don't tell Rose to shut up!"

"Hmph!" was all Badrang said while Rose smirked.

Cole shook his head and pointed his thumb-claw at Kelaiah as he looked at the reader with a grin on his face. "You may think that clicker laser of his is cool and you wanna use it to solve all your problems, but if you saw his energy bill than you would know without a doubt why _I'm_ here in the first place. To keep him from being bankrupt and unable to keep these shows up!"

Badrang rolled his eyes and blew out a loud sigh. "Oh hellgates! Better drop off to a commercial break, Kelly, before cheapskate here goes all righteous on all of us about the economy." (Badrang made sure to say 'Kelly' out loud to get back at the ferret for the 'stupid stoat' comment.)

"_Cheapskate!?" _shouted the insulted genet ex-warlord. "There ain't no shame in saving up a coin, you fluff-ball you!"

Badrang shouted back, "Oh please! If any viewer out there looked up the word 'cheap' on that googley thing, your face would be the first thing they see!"

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"WOULD NOT!!"

"WOULD TOO!!"

"Alright stoat. Tell me the many things that make me such a 'cheapskate.'"

Badrang caught onto Cole's mistake and would very soon make the genet regret it.

"You hired Little Redd and Vitch as your first security guards just because you could pay them the lowest and most minimum wage! You didn't even hire your OWN tribal guards that worshiped and protected you your entire life when you still had one!"

"Hey! Those two looked like they could go places in that job area! . . . and my guards and army went on strike!"

Badrang continued. "A when you got angry at Reynard Chopsnout, instead of paying the extra coins to hire Farran to poison him, you hired Veil instead!"

"Hey! It worked! The fox had the runs and puked randomly for hellgates knows how long and even afterwards the Dirgecallers STILL followed his hind end around for months!"

Rose sputtered a little and giggled slightly at the genet's reply, putting a paw to her mouth as she did. "Ewwww."

Badrang rolled his eyes a second time before he finally spoke of Cole's BIGGEST act of cheapness and coin-picking. "You once BEAT up a dibbun because he simply bent over to pick up a bronze coin!"

"Hey! I HATE kids so that does not count! Besides, that dibbun was Dwopple, and he NEEDED to get beat up, and badly! Anyway, how do you even know half of this stuff I've done!? Get a damn life outside of mine!"

Badrang retaliated against the genet's bad attitude. "You do it out where everybeast can see you slobberchops!"

"Hey! Don't call me that, you blisterin' barnacle you!" (The words 'blistering barnacle' were more than likely censored due to them being Redwall curse words.)

"You creepy looking-"

"Fat muzzled-"

"Jelly spined-"

"Saggy faced-"

"Freak Show!"

"I'll stick my footpaw so far up your tail that you'll cough up fur!"

Badrang jumped up from his chair and roared out very loudly, "BRING IT!"

Kel was initially enraged at Badrang calling him 'Kelly', but was quickly distracted by the word-battle between the two warlords (and was soon surprisingly amused).

However, the ferret's mood switched from amused to alarmed when both stoat and genet charged one another - and Kel was soon very grateful for his lazer's ability to tie up beasts.

Within moments, Badrang and Cole were tied up like how Ublaz and Rasconza had been in the previous chapters: straps wrapped tightly around them with holes for their ears, eyes, noses, and tails.

"Phew! That was a close one," the ferret breathed. Taking on a sterner tone, Kel stood over the two raging retired warlords. "Now listen, you two. I specifically stated that there will be no killing each other off BEFORE the fanmail is answered. As soon as all the fanmail comes in and Rose and Badrang answer them, THEN you can kill each other, okay?"

Both stoat and genet struggled wildly against their bonds, but found that feat to be impossible. They found they had no other choice but to obey. And so, they nodded, though without much enthusiasm.

"Right," said Kel, releasing them. However, at the same time, both he and Cole disappeared to the place where Kel had went while Ublaz and Rasconza had opened their mail.

Badrang slowly got up and sat back down in his chair.

Rose was sitting silently, trying not to laugh.

The stoat shot a dangerous glance at her. "Don't say it. Just DON'T say it."

Rose, straining to hold her laughter in, made a face that said, "Hey, I'm not saying anything."

The warlord snorted, but then settled for just waiting for the fanmail to come.

Cole was glaring at the ferret before speaking through gritted teeth. "Don't you ever use that thing on me again. . . ." Suddenly the genet cheered up and with a smug grin on his muzzle, slightly leaned over to the ferret and finishes his sentence with: _"Kelly!"_

Kel roughly blew out his nose at being called the hated nickname, but oddly didn't go into a killing rage as usual (but don't get it into your heads that that meant he was getting used to it, people). And with that, the fanmailing started.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Cole, he is property of Cole the Coywolf from Deviantart.

For those of you who are curious about what Cole looks like, here's the description he gave me:

A genet with nice dark green eyes. Being a warlord who had once been worshiped by tribal beasts in tree-top villages, he wore shirts of velvet or silk material (often embroidered with gold and silver stitch), all of the colors of dark tropical forests: green, brown, black, dark purple and Tyrian purple (he liked wearing the last color along with dark tropical green often), and on special occasions he wore white.

He also had thick, but small gold earrings on each ear, and wore many different necklaces of many metals. Sometimes he wore pawrings, but never tailrings though. In battle, he often wore a breastplate or studded leather armour.

When it came to weapons, he used many, being notable for being an average shot with a bow, a very good shot with a cross bow and blow gun, okay with a spear, and during his encounters with badgers. He often used caltrops and venom-dipped weapons. He also had a long Stiletto as a backup weapon when everything else was spent.

His most notable weapon was a vicious tomahawk and a wicked curved sword which he would use in two-pawed combat.

Strangely, though, despite always wearing expensive clothing, his weapons were never decorated or made of valuable material in any way: plain and simple. Except for his leather armour though, which had golden studs.


	5. Rose and Badrang

"Right then," said Kelaiah's voice over the intercom. "All the fanmail that we've made time for is now in. Rose, Badrang, are you ready?"

Before Rose could answer with a cheerful, "Yes, we are", Badrang snarled, "I'm pretty sure you'd make us answer all that blasted fanmail even if we _weren't_ ready, would you?"

"You're right, I probably would. Now then, our first fanmail letter is from storiewriter herself. Here is what she has to say to Rose. . . ."

_ROSE: HAD your brother not gone off and gotten himself kidnapped yadda yadda yadda by Mister Bad Guy and you thus did not meet Martin and co., WOULD you have EVER met him? (if so, outline the events that would occur to make that happen)_

"Well," began Rose. "If Brome had never gone off and gotten captured, I never would have searched as near as Marshank, and so therefore wouldn't have been around to save Martin from being eaten by the seagulls, which means that Martin would've been killed - which is a very awful thing to imagine, I must say-"

"Hah!" said Badrang - who was promptly wacked upside the head by Rose's sledgehammer. "OW!"

"Anyway," the irate mousemaid went on, "so no, I don't think I would have ever met Martin any other way - well, perhaps I would have, but in that scenario, I _wouldn't_ have."

"Alright, then," said Kelaiah. "Here's what she had to say to Badrang."

_BADINGRANGING...or Badrang: ...I dunno what exactly to ask you...OH. Had you your way, would you have taken all those others as slaves or would you have selected a bunch and then had their loved ones tortured to 'teach them a lesson'? And if the former was the right one, would you have kept Martin and tortured Rose, vice versa, or taken both of them in/killed them both?_

_(is plotting)_

"Wha . . .?" said Badrang, bewildered. "What was up with her misspelling my name?!"

"I think she was trying to annoy you, mate," offered Kel.

Badrang decided to ignore that comment. "And what does she mean by taken all those 'others' as slaves? What others? Why did she have to word her question so weirdly-"

"I think she was talking about when you had the Fur and Freedom Fighters under siege outside of Marshank."

"Oh THAT. Now I see. Well, to answer your question, miss storiewriter . . . what's stopping me from doing both? And why would I have tortured Rose in front of Martin? I didn't know there was anything between them or whatever. So I wouldn't have tortured one of them in front of the other, simply because I didn't know of the relationship between them. But I would've just simply killed off Martin and all the leaders so that the weaker beasts would've yielded to me. Haha! OUCH!"

Rose had slung her hammer upside his head again.

"Would you stop that?!"

"Not until you stop being what you are," the mousemaid replied.

"Huh. Fat chance. OUCH!"

"Then it's a fat chance of me stopping."

"ANYway," interrupted Kelaiah. "storiewriter also has something to say to Cole."

_COLE: SUCK. IT. UP. And if you weren't so money-hoarding, you'd dress simply and without decoration while ammassing a great cache of money to be used in times of dire need. So there. Hah._

Cole's face transformed into an annoyed look with lowered ears and an angry frown at what he considered a shot at him by storiewriter-

-but suddenly he took on a happier look and spoke in a nice, but unfortunately sarcastic and mocking tone at a high level. "Oh what a almighty and all knowing creature you are, hu-mon or beast or whatever you are; you sure showed me, huh!? If I _am_ such a cheapskate, WHY am I wearing expensive clothing, hm? She sure got me, didn't se Kelaiah?" the genet added, nudging the ferret rather hard-like before continuing.

"I mean, even though my species is under the Dark Forest bestiary files as 'vermin,' which are creatures who murder, steal, plunder, gather huge armies and cause all kinda of wars, does not mean that I ripped these expensive wears off the dying bodies of all of my fallen foes and fellow hordebeasts! Oh _no!_ In _fact!_ Being so intelligent as you are to speak to me like that, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret."

The genet leaned forward with a mock look of surprise and cupped a paw to the side of his muzzle, whispering in a sarcastic voice, "The books are _lies!_ Vermin were never evil like that in the books. Ferahgo? He never took that medallion from those two old dying badgers! He bought it off Ebay! Swartt NEVER killed Bowfleg! They traded! Swartt traded his wine, chalice, spear and belt for that nice blue velvet cloak, his army, and Bowfleg's daughter! And. . . ."

The genet's facial features and attitude suddenly changed back to the look of annoyance and anger. "Ok I was gonna be all sarcastic and such and make you feel like an idiot, but I'm pretty sure you finally realized your idiocy and felt it too afterwards when you were the ONLY one to say such an idiot thing! What the hell were you thinking when you said that!? Almost no vermin or beast like them ever trades or buys their things! They rip them from the dead bodies of other vermin or good beasts! This stuff is not even mine! The only reason I'm still wearing them is because those I killed in life don't have the guts to come over here and take them back! Its the vermin way of life. You rarely give, you almost always TAKE! You must be the stupidest hu-mon or whatever the hell you are! I don't even give a rat's tail what you are! You can be an alien from outer space or a mutant in some filth post-apocalyptic wasteland! I don't care! NEVER say such a stupid thing like that at me EVER again!"

"ALRIGHT, COLE!" shouted Kelaiah. "No need to get all excited like that."

"But didn't you see what she said t-"

"I DON'T CARE!" ROARED THE FERRET. "I WILL NOT HAVE YOU ALL EXCHANGING VERBAL ATTACKS AND INSULTS LIKE THIS ON _MY_ SHOW!"

"Hmph." The genet leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms and pouting.

_I look forward to the next installment, Kel. Ly. 3_

"That's KING Kelly to you, missy!" shouted the irate ferret. "Anyway," Kelaiah went on. "Our next fanmail is from Adder of the Pit. Here's what she has to say to Badrang."

_Dear Badrang,  
Tulips are red, gentians are blue,  
Clogg smells like the back end of a diseased Wearet that feeds on ramsons and garlic,  
And you smell worse._

_--Sincerely, Kenzie Farsight_

**_"WHAT?!?!?!" ROARED BADRANG, STANDING UP SO FAST HE KNOCKED HIS CHAIR OVER._**

Rose fell about laughing, tears coursing down her cheeks.

Cole laughed the loudest, bending over and slapping his knees. "That was the best poem EVER! I don't even like poetry that much, but that was GRAND!"

**_"I DO NOT SMELL WORSE THAN CLOGG, YOU, YOU, YOU-!"_**

"I don't think she meant it literally!" cried Rose, gasping for air and wiping her eyes.

**_"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!?!"_**

"Well, she could just mean it figuratively," the mousemaid suggested.

"Like how?!" demanded the stoat, settling down.

"Well, she could just be expressing her anger at you killing me."

Badrang snorted, setting his chair upright again and sitting down in it, crossing his arms. "Hmph. Well, I _do_agree with her on what Clogg smells like, I'll give her _that_ much."

"And here is what she has to say to Rose," announced Kelaiah.

_Dear Rose,  
I commend you for beating stoatie's face in with a loaded sling. It was indeed your Crowning Moment of Awesome. How's the love life?_

_--Your friend, Kenzie Farsight_

"Why thank you!" beamed Rose. (Badrang snorted.) "As for the love life, well . . ." she trailed off, smiling mischievously, arching an eyebrow. "My answer would be: you have no idea."

(Badrang turned a very bright shade of red - and so did Martin, who was listening in just outside the room.)

_Dear Your Majesty Kelaiah-y,  
How's that orc problem?_

_--Your concerned fellow Sueslayer, Kenzie Farsight_

"For your information," the ferret replied with dignity, "the 'orc problem', as you call it, is going perfectly fine. I am definitely over it, thank you very much . . . though I do thank you for giving me an idea."

"An idea?" yelped Badrang, who knew very well that an idea from Kelaiah was rarely in his favor - and very soon his fears were proven VERY well-founded:

For the stoat suddenly found himself being embraced by a large, black, slimy orc that planted its lips right against his, giving Badrang probably the biggest, fattest kiss of his life.

Once that was all over, the orc disappeared, Rose, Cole, and Kel were all dying of laughter, and Badrang was screeching like a banshee and desperately cleaning his mouth out.

"Sorry, Badrang," giggled Kel. "I just couldn't resist."

The stoat looked up from the sink he was scrubbing his mouth out at, and growled dangerously, "You will pay for this, vermin-traitor! You will pay!"

"I already have," retorted Kelaiah. "And anyway, we must get on with our next fanmail, which is from The Crazili Obsessed."

However, the ferret was interrupted by Cole, who was the first to finally stop laughing (though it was hard to keep from chuckling because Rose and Kelaiah were still giggling). "Ah Dumbrang, don't be such a poor sport. All in good fun, huh?"

Badrang growled complete hatred at the genet. It was obvious the genet was about to cheese him off. "You have NO idea how terrible that was!"

Cole rolled his eyes. "Wanna know how I died? Died from taking the worst kiss of them all!"

(This aroused the interest of the other three beasts.)

Cole continued. "She..... I was in the mist of killing a Long Patrol hare near outside of Redwall in the wooded area, in mid leap when suddenly this adder, BIGGEST one I ever saw - and certainly the last one I ever saw in life, tagged me, jerked me out of the air and wrapped me with so many coils that I literally became buried and never saw light from the sun again! That's how I died! Killed by an adder!"

Badrang gritted his teeth in sarcasm; the genet had a nasty habit of pushing other beast's buttons the wrong way and with Badrang, he was going too far. The stoat pointed a threatening claw at the intercom where the genet's voice was coming from and said, "Well good! At lest I know now you died a horrible death, you freak show result of a cat and raccoon!"

Cole was just looking for another argument for fight with Badrang. He took a mocking and more sarcastic approach in an attempt to spark it. "Oh whaaa! Badrang got kissed by a orc! Somebeast go and get his binky and teddy bear before he cries and throws a tantrum!"

This sparked a HUGE raging argument between the genet and the stoat, full of cursing, insults and aggressive body language galore. Rose was too busy laughing and enjoying the show to say or notice anything at all.

Kelaiah, who, like Rose, was laughing uncontrollably, finally got a hold of himself and shouted, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!! ENOUGH OF THIS! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ANSWERING FANMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!"

Both Cole and Badrang settled down, remembering Kel's promise to let them kill each other once all the fanmail was answered.

"Anyway, our next fanmail is from The Crazili Obsessed."

_ROSE: What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?  
If you ever met Cornflower, do you think you would get along?  
If you didn't have Martin, what would be your second choice in love-life?  
Badrang or Clogg; Choose!  
Ublaz or Rasconza; Choose!_

"Oh, the most embarrassing moment in my life. . . ." mused Rose. "Oh dear, I'd have to think about that one. I don't know, I suppose . . . I suppose when we were prisoners to the pygmy shrews. Now that was a horrid experience! But we ended up becoming friends with the shrews in the end, so that's alright.

"And if I had ever met Cornflower, well . . . I already have. Fanfiction has taken care of that . . . or do you mean if we had met in the actual book series? Well, I think we would've gotten along. She's a very nice maiden, so why wouldn't we? And we do in fanfiction too.

"And if I didn't have Martin, well, I don't know if I could choose another. I mean, Martin is my heart, my soul. How could I choose another?" she paused, and then an evil grin spread across her features.

"Although," she added, "I would consider choosing somebeast simply because of his looks. And with that in mind, I'd choose Badrang."

The stoat in question blinked. "What?"

Rose only snorted in reply.

The Tyrant glared suspiciously. "Hey, did you just say that to mess with me?"

"That's for me to know, and for you to stay up late at night boo-hoo-ing because you'll never find out."

Badrang growled, but made no further comment.

"But I will say this," Rose went on. "If I had to choose between Badrang and Clogg, I'd definitely pick Badrang, simply because of his looks and better hygiene. I mean, come on, the choice there is obvious, isn't it?"

"Can't argue with that," smiled Badrang, smoothing his headfur and flexing his muscles.

Rose rolled her eyes before continuing. "It'd be similar with Ublaz and Rasconza. I'd choose Ublaz simply because he's prettier and bathes once in awhile. Although I wouldn't like to be hypnotized or hang around with lizards all day, but its either be with a lovely, sweet-smelling pine marten dressed in silk and put up with his narcissism and lizards, or hang around with a flea-ridden seafox who's favorite past-time is sticking his daggers into other creatures' backs and pillaging innocent beasts. So therefore, I choose Ublaz. All I'd have to do with him is not look him in the eyes and push him around. Haha!"

Cole shook his head. "This is so wrong...."

Rose arched a brow at him. "Wrong? How so?"

Cole blurted out, "You, Dumbrang and Ublaz are all completely different species!"

Rose smirked smugly. Cole made another oopsy again and set himself up. "Huh. That sure didn't stop you and Ziral when you two were learning at the Dark Forest school of modern equipment."

The genet spoke back through gritted teeth with a threatening point of a claw, "Don't you bring that up! For the LAST time, we both had the nerve to call Boar 'pig' and he jammed us both in a locker! We were NOT messing around!"

Rose got him! She leaned back in her chair and smiled smugly. "Suuuuuuuuuure."

Badrang was laughing now, remembering that old rumor. This also certainly helped cheer him up a bit after all the crap the genet had thrown in his face.

Cole lowered his ears, an annoyed and angry frown spread across his face, and the glare came with it. He leaned over to Kelaiah and whispered, "Forget the bill. Just at least zap the both of them once for me, 'kay?"

If the genet learned anything about this: rumors SUCKED and they can haunt you for LONG afterwards.

Kel decided that Cole had a point and decided to zap both Rose and Badrang (though he's make certain not to get Rose as bad as Badrang, naturally).

_BADRANG: Do you think you would get along with Cluny?  
Do you have any love-life?  
If not, does Antigra appeal to you at all?  
Does Clogg ever take off his cloggs?_

"If me and Cluny had met in the actual books," explained Badrang, "then we probably wouldn't, as we both were warlords and thought only of our own needs. We'd probably only be thinking of ways to do each other in and steal each others horde away. But here in fanfiction, its different. We have no abbeys or slaves to capture, so we both get to sit around and rant about incompetent soldiers and ridiculously courageous mice. So yes, we do get along. A little.

"Do I have any love-life? Why do you care?!" the stoat demanded.

"Because it's such an interesting factor," Rose said with a purr to her voice as she leered at Badrang.

The Tyrant blushed under Rose's gaze and blinked confusedly, but tried to maintain some dignity, knowing that she was only trying to sike him out. "Well, if you must know, I haven't very much of a love-life, simply because I do not trust other stoats, and I rather detest the idea of romance. But just so we're clear, the idea of a group of females gushing over how handsome I am settles just nice with me!"

Rose snickered.

Badrang threw her glare, but continued on. "Oh, and just for the record, Antigra doesn't appeal to me at _all._ I mean, _come on,_ she's _old,_ and _loud,_ and just all-round annoying! I was glad when she was killed off, though I'm sad that we didn't get to see her kick the bucket."

"Better not let that get out," Rose cautioned. "Otherwise Antigra will try to get back at you."

"Oh, I'm not afraid of her. I'll just kill her like Ruggan Bor did - though I'd have to ask him how he slew her so I can do the same.

"And about if Clogg ever takes off his cloggs . . . that I do not know, though I'm sure that if he ever did, the smell would be _terrible."_

Rose laughed, and Badrang grinned, though he was slightly taken aback that he just shared a friendly laugh with the lover of his mortal enemy (Martin was probably going to kill him again for that. Siiiiggghhh. . . .).

"Our next fanmail comes from Much Ado About Nonny," said Kel.

_Rose:_

_Do you have any pink dresses? For some reason, I always thought you would look rather stunning in pink...especially a "rose" pink, if you'll pardon the rather horrid pun. Maybe it's the connotation of your name, maybe I'm just obsessed...but still._

"Yes, I do have a pink dress," Rose nodded. "It's very pretty, too, I think. I've got a green sash that goes with it, and I always liked to wear a red rose behind my ear whenever I wear it. And that's alright about the pun, dear. We all make puns like that every once in awhile. And if you'll pardon me, I think it's both, that it's the connotation of my name, and that you're _slightly _obsessed with pink . . . just slightly."

_On a more serious note...if you had lived through the Battle of Marshank and if Martin had proposed, how would you have gone about convincing your father to let you marry Martin? Or would you have just eloped?_

At this, the mousemaiden sat up straighter, a rather serious look on her face. "I'm glad you brought that up, Nonny. Because this is a serious issue that I would like very much to address.

"First of all, WHY do all of you seem to think that my father didn't like Martin? Why do you all think that he would be so objective to him marrying me? Why do you all keep on portraying him as an unfairly restrictive, abusive father? He's not!

"A bit of a worrier, yes, and he was concerned about my safety, and he could be a bit stubborn at times, but he and Martin got along very well! Didn't any of you read the part where Martin helped the moles cut down the old tree, and once the tree fell down, my father and Martin were clapping each other on the back? Martin fit right in with us Noonvalers, and Father liked him for it! And Father let Martin rally up the Noonvalers for battle against Badrang, didn't he? _And _he didn't try to stop me from following Martin. He knew I had chosen my destiny, and wasn't going to blame anybeast for my getting hurt. . . . Except maybe Badrang, but other than that. . . ."

"Hey!" objected Badrang. "OWCH!"

"But anyway," said Rose, lowering her sledgehammer again. "To answer your question, Nonny, I _wouldn't _have had to 'convince' my father to let me marry Martin. He would've supported us whole-heartedly, and there wouldn't be any need to elope."

_Badrang:_

_In the book, you never really got to meet Laterose (though I'm sure you know her now. Enjoy the lump on your head, peabrain, you deserve it). If you had had more contact with her, what, possibly, would have happened? And, on a similar subject, did your henchmustelids drag Brome up to meet you before you threw him into the prison pit? If so, what happened?_

Badrang blew out his nose. "I resent being called a peabrain, especially by the mousemaid who created Newo!" (The warlord felt a little smug at coming up with this comeback.) "As for the lump, I'll have you know that Kel's aspirin made all the lumps disappear!"

"But they sure don't prevent me from giving you another one," Rose said warningly, tapping her sledgehammer on her paw.

"Okay, okay!" shouted Badrang. "Just don't hit me again! Sheesh! Anyway, let's get on with the rest of the questions, shall we?"

The Tyrant-Warlord blinked at the first question. "What do you _think _would've happened? We would've hated each other, that's what would've happened! I'd have probably either killed her sooner or I would've thrown her into the pit - after securing it, that is.

"As from Brome, yes, my . . . what did you call them?" he asked with a bit of a smile. "My . . . 'henchmustelids'? Heh, yes, they did bring him before me, but that was so I could interrogate him, ask where the rest of his tribe was. But the little brat was very insulting, so I had him beaten a bit and thrown into the pit. Nothing very dramatic. OUCH!"

"You BEAT my BROTHERRRRRR?!" screeched Rose, wielding the sledgehammer quite frightfully.

Well, things were a little ugly after that. Let's just say the air was filled with Badrang going "AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!" a lot and Rose screaming bloody murder. And that Badrang needed more aspirins than ever.

_On a random note...if somebeast set you up on a blind date, and your date turned out to be Princess Kurda, what would be your reaction?_

Badrang, holding an ice pack to his head, read the question over and over before answering.

"Well, first of all, I wouldn't allow myself to be subjected to a blind date in the first place. However, since this is hypothetical, I'll go on with this.

"Now let me admit, I'm surprised that I'd be set up with somebeast like Princess Kurda, because I'm sure that the sole purpose of putting me on a blind date would be to put me up with somebeast very horrible or very ugly (the latter being the most likely).

"But to fully answer your question, I don't think I'd quite enjoy having Kurda as my date, NOT because I find her unattractive. In fact, she's _very _attractive, but she's too young for me. I'd want somebeast a little bit older - though I _would_ be flattered that I was considered worthy enough to date a female so much younger than I am."

Rose snorted. Badrang glared.

Cole laughed scornfully. "Badrang and Princess Kurda!? That would NEVER happen! Kurda is much more upper class than Dumbrang here! The last thing Kurda would ever do is hook up with an old, amateur warlord! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!"

Badrang frowned angrily ("Stop calling me Dumbrang!" "Now you know how I feel," muttered Kelaiah) while Rose laughed.

"ANYway," said Kelaiah. "Our next fanmailer is Aris Dalton."

_Hmm. Cole is an interesting fellow._

Cole smiled and lightened up a bit, shown by upward ears and a slight smile. "Finally! Someone who speaks even remotely good of me. I hope that comment about me being interesting shows your slight liking of me being the new addition to Kelaiah's fanfics!"

_Let's see. Questions for Rose and Badrang._

_Rose: What is your opinion on all those stories about either you coming back to life, another mousemaid arriving at Redwall, or your "daughter" arriving at Redwall, all to comfort Martin? Do you mind them (the stories) or dislike them?_

"Well, it depends," answered Rose. "Some of them alright, some are beautiful, and others . . . well, they just don't seem right. I don't really know what to make of my 'daughter' coming into Martin's life. I really don't see the point, and it sort of puts me and Martin in a bad light, morally speaking, that is. I mean, the whole point of the series is that Martin left _spiritual _descendants, not physical. The idea of him having actual offspring sort of defeats that purpose, don't you think? Although, to be fair, I did hear of a fic where Martin and I had a daughter who ended up marrying Gonflet, so _that _doesn't seem so bad, the children of Martin and Gonff marrying and such. Sounds rather adorable, if you ask me!

"As for the other mousemaid marrying Martin . . . well that just doesn't settle with me at _all._ I mean, come _on,_ do you really think that after all that he went through, that Martin could fall in love again? Or that _I_ could actually stand the idea of some random floozy - er, I mean, some random _nice young mouselady_ coming along and trying to take MY Martin's heart away, especially when his memory of me is supposed to 'locked in his heart'?

"And as for me coming back to life, well that depends. Sometimes the ways how I come back to life are a little far-fetched, but other times they're good, even wonderful, so those I don't mind so much."

_What's your favorite song? _

"Oh, I like a lot of songs, though I suppose I mostly like songs that are about Noonvale. That's why I sing them so often."

_Besides yourself, who's your favorite singer?_

"Now why would I say that _I'm_my favorite singer? Wouldn't that be a little shallow? But to answer your question, I'd say it's a tie between Songbreeze Swifteye and Martha Braebuck. They're both such pretty singers, I couldn't choose between them."

_Also, thanks for hitting Badrang over the head with a sledgehammer. He deserved it._

"My pleasure," grinned the mousemaid. ("Hmph!" said Badrang)

_Badrang: How does it feel to know that you got beat up by a Bloodwrathy squirrel?_

"Okay, just so we're clear," said Badrang, holding up a claw, "Felldoh was _not _Bloodwrathy; I thought Yemi Hikari explained that? He was merely insane, and fighting with a madbeast is often a bad idea anyway. So there!"

"Just in case anybody is wondering," interrupted Kel, "about what Yemi Hikari said about Bloodwrath, I believe you can find it in one of her forums, though I'm not sure which one it is, as I haven't visited one in awhile. But anyway, moving on."

_What do you think might have happened if you and Clogg had worked together instead of fighting each other?_

"I admit, things would've turned out differently . . . possibly in _my_ favor had we worked together . . . but I do NOT like sharing glory with that . . . that . . . _ugh!"_

_Since you and Badrag are both stoats and have similar names, are you two related?_

Badrang blinked. "Who?"

"He means one of the stoats from _Mattimeo," _explained Kelaiah.

"Oh. Oh yeah. No, no relation. Just coincidence."

"Next fanmail is from Jarrtail," Kel announced.

_Question for Rose: If you had survived and possibly married Martin, would you have allowed him to go South and ultimately defeat Tsarmina, would you make him stay with you, or would you have gone with him?_

"If Martin and I had married," replied Rose, "I don't see why he'd have gone south in the first place! Although I do recall a certain fanfic that had us marry in Noonvale, but soon afterwards Chibb the robin came flying north with a call for help from Mossflower, and Martin felt obligated to go and help, so I suppose that could happen. But anyway, as for the rest of your questions, I'd have gone with him. I mean, I went with him to Marshank, what's to stop me from following him to Mossflower?"

_Badrang: What were your ultimate plans after fortress Marshank was completed? Would you try to conquer more land, or be content with your stretch of northeast coastline? Also, how do you feel about Brian Jacques saying that Clogg is his favorite villain?_

"My ultimate plans after completing Marshank were simple," answered Badrang. "I'd live the rest of my days in the lap of luxury, with all those creatures around me for one purpose: to serve ME! Of course, I would possibly have my scouts go around to see if there were other lands to conquer - just for fun. Though I'd probably be mostly content with my own piece of land . . . for awhile, anyway.

"And as for your last question, I think Brian Jacques is a total dunce for favoring Clogg over me!"

"'Dunce'?" repeated Rose with raised eyebrows. "Is that the worst insult you could think of?"

"I can't call him anything _really_ bad, he's the guy who made us!"

"Yes, I suppose you've got a point there. . . ." Rose then gave a small laugh. "Hah, Jacques favoring Clogg over you reminds me of him saying that Gonff was his favorite hero. Martin was rather indignant too, but I suppose Jacques prefers the food-loving, comic-relief sidekick to the big burly main character or something like that."

"Humph!" said Badrang (and so did Martin, who was still listening to all outside the room).

"Our next fanmailer is Oreramar," said Kelaiah.

_Heh. Cute.  
Hello, Cole. Nice to meet you._

("Hey! Nice to meet you too!" Cole said with a smile and a wave.)

_I suppose I may as well put in a couple of questions, though I wish there was a competition of sorts here as well._

("_I _don't!" muttered Badrang.)

_Rose:  
1. It's a little hard for me to word this one, but I'll give it a try: how long have you been singing? And by 'singing,' I mean 'seriously singing'...like in competitions, pageants, etc._

"I'm not sure just exactly what you mean by that," Rose admitted. "But I'll do my best in answering. Have I ever sung in a pageant, yes, I have. We've had concerts before at Noonvale, after all. But how long have I been singing? Well, I've sung pretty much my whole life, and I've performed in front of anybeast who ever cared to listen. So that's all I can really say."

_2. Was there ever an occupation you were interested in? If so, what was it?_

"Well, there weren't very many different occupations in Noonvale. We were all farmers, pretty much. I was never really interested in any other lifestyle, although I did enjoy a good romp in the woods."

_3. Forgive my bluntness, but you died very early in life. If, after your death, you were given - for whatever reason - one more day of life, how would you spend it?_

"It's alright, a little bluntness never hurt a beast," said Rose. "But that is an interesting question. Let's see, if I were to have one more day of life, I'd naturally spend it with Martin, of course. But I'd also like to spend it with Brome and my parents, and Grumm too. And Pallum, of course! I'd like to spend it with all my loved ones, and spend it with them in Noonvale too! And thanks to fanfiction, that can actually happen everyday," the mousemaid finished with a smile.

_4. If you could have any one ability or strength - whether magical or mundane - what would you want it to be?_

"Oh dear, that is a question! Well, I already have my singing talents, my voice-acting talents, and my ability to screech like a hawk, so really, I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm a pretty talented mouse . . . though the ability to _not die _when being thrown up against a wall would be nice," she added, glaring at Badrang, who ignored her.

_Badrang:  
1. You constantly seem to be dealing with incompetent minions, slave revolts, and backstabbing 'old friends'. All of these seem to stem from your being a Warlord. So tell me, are the perks of Warlordship worth the aggravations?_

Badrang grinned. "Oh yes, they are. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. Heh heh heh."

"Just what _are _the perks of Warlordship, anyway?" demanded Rose.

"I get to be mean to other creatures and they can't do anything about it," replied the smirking stoat. "Plus I get to be called 'lord' and 'the Tyrant' and other cool names. Plus I get to wear a cape."

"How's wearing a cape a 'Warlord' perk?"

"Wouldn't you like to know!"

"It's not a real perk, Rose. It's just the only thing that gives Dumbrang here any confidence to get out of his own bed."

"SHUT UP COLE!"

_2. If you had not built Marshank and settled down to rule there, what do you think you would have done with your life?_

Badrang shrugged. "Probably would've looked for another piece of land to conquer, I suppose. Though I don't see how I could've found better land than that. That was some pretty good land!"

_3. You were quite a bit older than Rose when you died, but I don't expect you were really ready for it. Let's say that you get one more day of life after your death...what would you do?_

"You're right there! I _wasn't _ready for my death either! But if I had one more day to live, I'd have revenge on Martin, Felldoh, all the Fur and Freedom Fighters, and Clogg, too! Haha! That would be one sweet day!"

_4. Same as Rose's fourth question...if you could have any one special ability or strength, what would you want it to be?_

"Just _one _special ability?" whined Badrang. "Well, I'm already strong and fast, so I suppose I could ask for the ability to fly . . . except that's rather cliche. Maybe I'd ask for the ability to make creatures die when I tell them too. And then there's the ability to make the weapons of my enemies disappear - not nearly as effective, but amusing all the same. And then there'd be the ability to tie up my enemies with ropes that appear out of thin air, or the ability to torture them with my thoughts. Or . . . eh, oh, there's lots of abilities I'd choose. I just can't choose just one."

"Thank goodness you'll never get any of those abilities," frowned Rose.

Badrang wrinkled his nose at her. "Killjoy!"

_I considered adding this when I first wrote the review, but decided against it. Now, though, reading other reviews, I've got to make this point._

_In defense of Badrang:_

_I don't hate Badrang for killing Rose because of the circumstances in which it happened. It was a BATTLE, people. It's not like she was peacefully picking daisies in a field when Badrang came along and skewered her just to get to Martin. Rose leaped out and attacked Badrang as he moved toward Martin. I expect no one to stand there and ignore somebeast who's thwacking him across the face with a loaded sling._

_Even when he reacted, it wasn't in a cruelly violent way. He had a sword in hand - he could have swung around and sliced her to pieces with it, or even thrown her only a short distance and then stabbed her. Instead, all Badrang really did was grab her and throw her off of him. I consider it unfortunate chance that Rose happened to strike that wall just hard enough, at just the wrong angle. Not like Badrang was calculating distance and aim when he threw her clear. If one or two factors had been changed - the angle of his arm, the force with which he pushed her off - Rose may very well have survived._

_Also, consider this point: in a battle, there are two sides, but it is often 'every beast for himself'. You attack somebeast, you'd better expect that he'll defend himself. And so with every person you attack in a pitched battle, you run the risk of that person countering and killing you. Rose attacked Badrang first, intending to keep him from Martin. Whether by lucky chance, superior strength, or more experience, Badrang managed to turn the tables on Rose. I will NOT fault him for acting as though it were a battle because, well, it kind of WAS._

_Now, Badrang, don't think that this means I absolutely love your character. I don't. You did a lot of things and made quite a few decisions I think are wrong because of my own code of ethics. Enslaving beasts to build Marshank was one of them; behaving cruelly, both to them and to your own crew, was another. In all honesty, had you been a more decent sort, this whole mess may have been avoided._

_Still, as I've said before, I'm not going to heap abuse on you for Rose's death._

After a moment or two of silence, Badrang shot his fist into the air. "YES! Finally! Somebeast who won't fault me for Rose's death! Haha! And she made a good argument of it too! HAHA!"

Rose blew out her nose at the gleeful stoat, but her voice was calm when she spoke. "While Oreramar makes an excellent point - one that I never thought of before, and I will give her credit for thinking it out so well, I still must point out her error in saying that Badrang was moving towards Martin. Badrang _wasn't _moving toward Martin, he was running away from him. In fact, Badrang was really running away from every single creature he had ever wronged.

"And also, even though I _did _attack Badrang, it was only after he had sliced his sword at Grumm that I did. Remember?"

"Oh I remember," the Tyrant-stoat suddenly recalled. "Heh, that stupid molish oaf knocked himself out with his own ladle, hah-OUCH!"

"Don't you talk that way about Grumm, picklesnout!"

"Don't call me 'picklesnout'!"

"ANYway," interrupted Kelaiah with his signature interruption. "Our next fanmail is from Alizera Song."

_Rose- Good job with the sledgehammer! Okay when you and Brome were younger did the two of you get along or did you fight?_

Rose beamed. "Thank you, Alizera! And as for your question, it was both, just like with most siblings. We got along, but had the occasional fight. What sibling relationship isn't like that?"

"The Marlfox's relationship?" suggested Badrang.

Rose shook her head. "No, not all of them hated each other. They actually managed to get along with one another, most of them anyway."

"Oh right."

The Genet agreed with Rose. Being one who often hung out with the Marlfox siblings (all except Slith, who had quite a few bad comments about his species, unfortunately), he knew about this stuff. "Rose is right. Not all of them hate each other. Though Ziral, Mokkan and Gelltor, don't really get along. And Ziral, Mokkan, Gelltor, Vannan, Predak, and Ascrod don't get along well with Lantur. And a lot of times, the other Marlfox siblings don't get along well with Mokkan. Most likely due to him betraying them all. Except Ziral, of course, who died before he betrayed the rest of them, but likely kinda fought with him too, likely due to thinking that even if he survived the first battle that Mokkan would betray her without a second thought too...."

"Er, right..." Rose looked at the genet with the most confused look.

"It's confusing, I know. Hell, if you watched Slagar's show "Coast to Coast" you'd get even more confused, but I hung out with them long enough to finally get it . . . Kinda."

_Badrang- What weapon did you use before you stole and used Martin's sword?_

"Any old weapon that befitted a corsair. A scimitar, a dagger, y'know, the old pirate array."

"Next fanmail is from angel0fmus1c," said Kel.

_Rose: Do you regret following Martin? What, if anything, would you have done differently?_

"I have no regrets about following Martin," stated Rose. "But what I would've done differently would probably have to do with my confrontation with Badrang. I probably would've attacked him in a different manner so that he wouldn't have been able to lay paws on me. But really, my death was necessary for Martin to become what he is today. And besides, our souls met in death, and my brother's descendants brought some laterose seeds to the abbey so that I could be at Redwall, right? So it all worked out in the end."

_Badrang: You slobbery mangy-furred mediocre excuse for a half-witted rodent. Why'd you have to kill Rose?!? I hope someone fries you up and serves you with a nice hollandaise sauce, maybe some parsley._

**"HEY!"**shouted Badrang, standing up. "I am **NOT** slobbery, I am **NOT** mangy-furred, I am **NOT** mediocre, I am **NOT** half-witted, and I am **NOT **a rodent! . . . I am a mustelid, thank you very much. And as for your question, didn't you read Oreramer's fanmail?"

"She couldn't have," interrupted Kelaiah. "That second part of Oreramar's fanmail was only PMed to me, it wasn't in the review page. Besides, not everyone reads what the other reviewers have already put."

"Well they should!" snapped Badrang. "And I'm getting tired of being blamed and attacked for Rose's death!"

"Well you _did_ kill me. . . ."

"Shut up! OUCH!"

_And Kelaiah? Don't hold back on the laser with Badrang, mmkay?_

"Do I ever?" the ferret replied.

(Badrang, holding the ice pack to head again, gulped.)

"Our next fanmail is from music4evah," Kelaiah announced.

_Haha, that was pretty funny!_

_But, I guess I really don't have anything to say to Badrang and Rose, seeing as I haven't actually read Martin the Warrior yet, and it's been like 5 years since I've seen the T.V. show._

_But I can't wait to read the next chapter! :]_

"That's _it?!" _cried Badrang, disgusted. "And she never even read the book?!"

"That's it," confirmed Kelaiah. "What, did you _want _there to be more Badrang-bashing?"

"Eh . . . no."

"I thought so. Anyway - boy, I've got to come up with a new interruption line. Anyway - there it is again! But, whatever. Our next fanmail comes from All American Autor."

_For Rose: if you had lived through the battle, but Martin had died fighting Tsarmina, what would you do?_

"Hm, I'm. . . ." began Rose, who paused, giving serious thought to the matter. "I'm not sure. I suppose I wouldn't go back to Noonvale, it just wouldn't seem right going back without Martin. I suppose I'd just stick around and help with building the abbey, and during my winter seasons I'd tell the dibbuns tales of Martin the Warrior. But I don't know if that'd really happen, since it never _has_ happened. That's all I can really say."

_For Badrang: What type of species would you like if you didn't like to look at yourself in the mirror so much? Also, what would you do if you had captured Martin and put down the slave revolt?_

"Hmm," said Badrang, rubbing his chin. "Good question. Or should I say questions? Well, anyway - wow, I think I'm hanging around Kelaiah too much-"

"HEY!"

"But anyway - there it is again! But to answer your question, I don't suppose I could be attracted to other stoats, simply because I don't trust them. I consider woodlanders to be inferior-type beasts, so they're out of the question - maybe. That leaves other vermin-type-females. I'm not sure if I'd like a ratmaiden, though, and I'm a little iffy about weasels and ferrets. I do like vixens, though. They're a pretty bunch! Maybe that's the type I'd be most attracted too."

"Huh, no wonder people pair you with Sela on YouTube so much."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Cole snickered cruelly.

Badrang snorted, noting to check this 'youtube' thing out on the computer thingy, suddenly thankful for all those lessons on modern technology they were taught at that one school at Dark Forest.

"But anyway, to answer your next question," the Tyrant-stoat continued, "I suppose I'd've had Martin killed quickly and easily in front of all his followers to dishearten them, and I'd do the same with the other Fur and Freedom Fighters - especially Ballow. That hare annoyed me to death! And then, of course, I'd continue on with the building of my fortress and my ambition of being ruler of the east coast! Ahh, that's how the story should've ended. OUCH!"

"Well, anyway," said Kelaiah, "our next fanmail comes from - oh wait, there aren't anymore fanmail letters! That last one . . . was the last one!"

"Wait, you mean that's it?" cried Badrang, popping in another aspirin.

"What'd you mean 'that's it'?" demanded Kelaiah.

"Well, I just thought we'd have a more dramatic ending, that's all."

"Now who says we need fanmail to have a dramatic ending?" grinned Kelaiah.

Badrang's eyes widened before narrowing dangerously. "You set that orc on me one more time. . . ."

Cole bursted out cheering and egging this subject on. "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"

Rose laughed, not minding seeing the look on Badrang's face when the orc kissed him again.

"Relax, I wouldn't do that to you _twice. _But I _do _recall those pics off Deviantart. . . ."

"You suck! Come on Kelly! No shame in doing the same thing twice!"

Badrang was about to roar out at Cole when suddenly his ears perked. "What pics?" he asked in a defensive whisper.

"Y'know, the ones where you're really . . . really . . . fat."

_"WHAT?!"_ both Cole and Rose cried with exploding laughter.

"Shut up! It's none of your business!" Badrang shouted to the room at large.

"Hey _you're _the one who wanted a dramatic ending," said Kel.

"Well you can't make me fat!" the Tyrant-stoat countered. "Otherwise you'd just be repeating yourself!"

The ferret thought about this for a moment before realizing that Badrang was right. "Ah shucks. And I was really hoping to turn you into Fatrang."

"I'm sorry _what?"_ giggled Rose.

"Fatrang," repeated Kel. "Its the nickname they've got for Badrang when he's fat."

_"Can we PLEASE get off the subject?!" _shouted Badrang.

"Oh, That's RICH! Forget 'Dumbrang', I love that more! _Fatrang!" _the genet said as he laughed even harder. Only causing Rose to turn from giggling to laughing herself.

Badrang looked like his head was about to explode, he was so angry!

"Fine. Well, anyway-" The ferret was cut off by Cole.

"Hey Kel! Didn't you say that Badrang and I could kill each other after the fanmailing was over?!"

Kelaiah blinked. "So I did. Proceed."

* * *

**A/N: **Well, Oreramar wanted another vote/competition thing, so here we have one! Which do you want to win the following battle? Cole or Badrang? Its your choice, people! Vote away!

Badrang: Vote for ME! I'm cute and I'm of a species that's actually NATIVE to the Redwall-verse!

Cole: Vote for ME, because unlike _Fatrang_ here, _I _am NOT a coward, nor have I killed the most well-known romance of all in the Redwall universe! Also . . . I had never did anything pathetic or wimpy in my life."

Badrang: _I_ never did anything wimpy!

Cole: You tickled tortured a fox to death in the TV series and stretched the very same fox in the book. Case closed. Seriously? Stretching? Tickling?! What are you? A stoat warlord . . . or a FURRY!?"

Badrang: GRRRRAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!

Badrang/Cole: *rolling around fighting*

Kel: Siiiiiiigggghhhhh...... well, what else can I say? Vote, people, vote!

Also, **storiewriter**, I know you were only teasing Cole (the human Cole), and I just want you to know, he was only doing the same. So there's no hard feelings twixt you two, right? :)


	6. The Fight

**warrior4:** (this is Rose's reply to your fanmail; though I wish you'd looked ahead and realized that the fanmailing was over!)

**Q:** Rose, other than how your story ended in the Battle of Marshank, would there have been anything else you would have liked to have changed about the rest of your time adventureing with Martin, Grumm, and Pallum?

**A:** No, not really. We all made it through alive and pretty unscathed - that is, we didn't lose any limbs or voices or anything during the adventure, and sure does make an exciting tale! And we got some pleasant allies out of it, so no. I don't think I'd change anything about our adventures.

* * *

"Before we begin," began Kel. "I would like to award miss Laterose with a romantic cruise with her boyfriend- er, husband- er, whatever he is. Yeah, just go on a vacation with Martin, would you Rose?"

"Oh sure, I'd LOVE to!"

And with that, the happy mousemaiden rushed out of the room via the magically-appearing-and-disappearing-doorway, ran into the waiting arms of her beloved Martin, and the two set sail for a romantic weekend of dancing and hot-tubbing and singing and... yeah.

"Hey!" objected Badrang. "How come _I_ don't get any special treats?!"

"Because you aren't a sweet little mousemaid that was killed long before her time," the ferret retorted.

"I was still killed before my time!"

"Doesn't cut it. And anyway, you and Cole are supposed to fight, aren't you?"

"Oh right."

Cole was then transported into the room thanks to Kel's lazer. The two warlords faced each other and, with some rather scarey smiles, drew their favorite weapons-

"HEY!" shouted Martin, who had briefly returned to the room to retrieve Rose's purse. "Where'd you get that?!"

"Get what?" blinked Badrang, Cole, and Kel.

"I'm talking to Badrang! Where'd you get that sword?! That's MY sword!"

"Is not!" shot back the Tyrant-stoat. "It's MINE. I had it personally made for me by fanfiction. Isn't fanfiction a wonderful thing?" he added with a smug smile as he waved his 'Martin-Sword' aloft.

Martin glared, almost blowing fire out of his nostrils, when:

_"Martin darlinggg, where arrre yoooou?"_

The mousewarrior's features changed from complete utter rage to blissful loving happiness.

"I'm coming, my treasure!"

And with that, the first Abbey Champion skipped out of the doorway and into the arms of his beloved Rose.

Badrang and Cole blinked. "Um. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy...."

"Er, yeah," said Kel, who was weirded out too. "Er, let's get on with the fight, shall we? OH YES, ONE MORE THING!"

The two warlords rolled their eyes; when were they going to _fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?!_

"I almost forgot," the ferret went on. "No weapons."

_"WHAT?!" _screeched Cole and Badrang.

Before any more objections could be said, however, the weapons of the two warlords disappeared.

"HEY! NO FAIR!" they shouted.

"Hey, I didn't want anybeast to have an unfair advantage over the other," explained Kelaiah. "I mean, come on. Cole has all those cool gadgets, he could kill Badrang from across the room if he wanted. And then the stoat wouldn't have been able to show off his sword-skills!"

Badrang snorted, but made no comment. Cole snickered.

"Alright then," said Kel. "Let's get on with this.

"Round One.

"FIGHT! (Hey, that's just like Mortal Kombat!)"

Cole and Badrang ignored the ferret and finally got on with the fight.

First they circled each other for a moment, figuring out where there was an opening.

Then they lunged.

The two warlords met each other in a ball of dust and fists.

_"RRRAAARRRGG! _Grrrraaahhh! _ARRRRRRGGGGGG!!"_

Finally the dust cleared (thanks to the vacuum that came out of Kel's lazer), to reveal:

Cole biting Badrang on the nose.

The stoat sank his claws into the genet's side, causing Cole to loosen his grip on his victim's muzzle.

Badrang then wiggled his nose free of the genet's teeth, throwing a punch into Cole's face.

Enraged, the genet wrapped his tail around Badrang's neck with lightning speed, pulled him close, and gave the stoat a noogie!

In a desperate attempt to get free, Badrang reached up and twisted Cole's ear. The maneuver worked, and, after freeing himself, the stoat stomped on the genet's tail!

Cole jerked on Badrang's whiskers and pinned him to the floor. After that, he grabbed one of the stoat's legs and tried to break it.

Badrang, howling in pain, made yet another desperate attempt for freedom: he gave the genet a wet-willy.

Surprisingly, it worked. Cole squealed, releasing the stoat's leg, and made a surprising (and somewhat childish) maneuver of his own: he poked Badrang in the eye.

Badrang retaliated by spitting in his opponent's eye.

Following this came several attempts of dislocating limbs and biting ears off. And shin-kicking.

And it went on for quite awhile.

Finally came the Big Finisher:

Cole lunged forward on his foot suddenly, making Badrang believe that the genet was about to kick him in the groin.

The stoat lowered his defenses to protect himself, but Cole had been bluffing.

Instead he pulled a surprise upper-cut that packed a shocking amount of . . . well, _punch. _Which meant that Badrang was hit so hard in the muzzle that the stoat went flying backwards; and he would've gone quite far, if it hadn't been for the wall blocking his way.

_CRASH!_

The Tyrant-stoat whammed into the wall before falling face-down on the floor - only he didn't remain face-down: he had rolled forward in such a way that his feet went up over his head so that he landed on his back.

Then, from out of nowhere, the vole-referee from "Lord Brocktree" came hurrying out, crouched near Badrang, slammed his paw down on the floor while counting, "One! ..._Two!_ ...THREE!"

The vole then went right over to Cole, lifted his paw (the one that hit Badrang), raised it up and shouted:

"The WINNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

An audience appeared out of nowhere and cheered for the genet, who, with an 'aw shucks' smile, held up his arms and bowed this way and that.

Badrang, with little birdies and stars and spirals flying around his head, staggered to his feet, and saw a blurry vision of two Coles floating around in front of him. Once his vision cleared, the stoat realized that Cole had his back to him.

The Tyrant looked around, and saw his sword (which had mysteriously appeared) on the floor nearby. He grabbed the beloved weapon, heaved himself up, and rushed at Cole's unprotected back.

**_"RRRAAARRRRRGGGG-!"_**

Unfortunately, the stoat never reached the genet, for the same large, black, slimy orc from the previous chapter tackled him, knocking the sword from his paw, and planted its lips firmly against his.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMCCCCCHHHHHH!" Once the orc detached its lips from Badrang's, it actually made a 'pop'-ing sound. "Oh you poor, poor thing! Don't worry, that mean old genet won't get you anymore, my little Badranging!" And with that, the orc pressed its lips against the horrified stoats' once again, as though its plan was to never let go.

Badrang squealed and squirmed and struggled to push the orc off of him, but the thing was too strong and too heavy for him to move.

Cole, who had turned around, started laughing his head off along with the audience and the referee-vole at the specatcle, while Kel, also giggling his head off, said,

"Okay, guys, I think we need to make room for the next two characters to come in."

"Okay, Kel!" chortled Cole, heading out of the doorway.

(The vole and the audience simply disappeared.)

"Mmm! MMMRRFF!" said Badrang, still pinned beneath the orc, eyes darting wildly around.

"MMMMRRR MMMRRR! MMMRRRRRRRFFF!"

(translation: "HEY! What about me?! Get this thing offa me!")

"Okay, fine," said Kel.

A rocket came out of nowhere, grabbed the orc and shot out to a galaxy far far away....

"BLEAH!" said Badrang, hurrying to the sink to wash his mouth out. _"BLEAH!"_

After giving himself a sound scrubbing, the Tyrant-stoat glared in the intercom's direction.

"Kel, you traitor! You double-crosser, you-! You said you weren't going to set that orc on me twice!"

"I didn't!" the ferret said defensively.

"Oh yeah?! Then who-?!"

The stoat whirled on Cole.

"Hey, it wasn't me either!" the genet objected.

Suddenly the sound of feminine giggling floated into the room.

A very surprised Cole stepped aside to reveal none other than Laterose of Noonvale, who hadn't quite left for her cruise just yet. In her paw was a video recorder.

"Heeheehee! Martin's going to love this for an aniversary present!"

And with that, the mousemaid ran off full-speed, with a roaring Badrang hot on her tail, while Cole was laughing and roaring again, chasing after Badrang so the stoat couldn't retrieve the recorder.

Kelaiah laughed so hard he feared he'd die - but finally managed to catch his breath.

"Oh my, heeheehee, oh my-ah hahaha! Ahem, heeheehee! Whoo, breathe! Breeeathe! Breeeaaatttthhhhheeee . . . okay I'm good.

"Okay! Now that that's done and over with, I would like to introduce you all to our next Redwall duo!

"Plugg Firetail and Princess Kurda!"

* * *

**A/N:** Hope you all enjoyed the fight! :D Cole and I worked on it together - we had to, since it was HIS alter-ego after all. ;) And it probably wasn't what any of you were expecting, but at least it was (hopefully) surprising! :D

This wasn't as long as the other chapters, I know, but have no fear, hopefully the rest of the chapters won't be like that! :D

Also, in case anyone was wondering, about the "Round One" thing, Ferret-Kel was only saying that to add to the drama. There was never supposed to be any rounds. ;)

And finally, Cole will be making more appearances in this fic, so be prepared to see him pop up every now and then. ;) :D

Alright, that's it! God bless, all!

~Kel :)


	7. 3rd Intro

"Welcome everyone and everybeast, to another installment of 'Redwall Fanmail', where every three chapters you get to ask your favorite Redwall characters some very important (and sometimes not so important) questions," said the ferret Kelaiah, once again sitting in the fanmail-answering-room along with two Redwall characters.

The ferret continued, "For today we have Plugg Firetail and Princess Kurda. Hello, guys."

"Hello, Kelai-" began Plugg, but the Freebooter was swiftly interrupted by Kurda.

"Vy you put dat shtinky fox's name in front o'mine, eh?!" demanded the irate ferret princess. _"I'm_der prominent villain in der book, _my _name ought to be goink first!"

"I only said Plugg's name before yours, Kurda," explained Kel patiently, "is because its easier for me to say it that way."

"Vot?"

Kelaiah sighed. "If I were to say 'Kurda and Plugg', it'd be a more awkward tongue-twist, because your name ends with an 'a', and the next word begins with an 'a', hence why it'd be harder to say. So I simply put Plugg's name first, just for the sake of my silly tongue."

The Pure Ferret still didn't like it, but decided to make no comment aside from a few grumbles.

Plugg, however, winked at the princess. "Ah, don't get yer pretty white 'ide all in a mess, princess. Just be grateful it was yore ole Uncle Plugg that Kel paired you up with, an' not that blisternin' barnacle of a squirrel!"

Kurda's eyes turned from coral-pink to ruby at the mention of the word 'squirrel'. The Pure Ferret suddenly hunched her shoulders, clenching her teeth, her sharp white claws sinking into the wooden desk. "Der squirrel! Der squirrel! Der squirrel der squirrel der squirrel der squirrel! _Deeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr squirrrrrrrrrreeelllll!!"_

Plugg's eyes widened at bit at the sight, but he soon smiled confidently and crossed his arms. Kel, however, leaned further away from Kurda, looking rather worried.

__

Bing!

Kurda stopped murmuring dangerously and looked around. "Vot vas dat?"

Kelaiah blinked. "We have early fanmail."

Plugg and Kurda blinked in turn. "'Early fanmail'?"

"Yep," said Kel. "I guess a couple of the reviewers didn't realize they aren't suppose to fanmail on the Intro Chapter. But oh well, I suppose we can answer these ones for now and enable those few reviewers the chance to fanmail again."

The two villains snorted, but made no comment (they couldn't threaten Kelaiah, after all, because he had taken away their weapons).

"And by the way," Plugg added in irately. _"Why _have you let that blisterin' stripedog keep me axe for, Kel?!"

The male ferret stared. "Excuse me?"

"Are you as thick-'eaded as Grubbage?!" shouted Plugg. "That badger Sagagux or Sagegucks or wotever 'is name is, 'e got me axe right after I died! An' now, seein' as how I'm alive agin, _why_hasn't my axe been gkven back t'me?!"

Kelaiah rolled his eyes. "Your axe has been made into a _copy_, dodo. Just like with Martin's sword. There's one for you and one for Sagaxus."

"Well then why 'aven't I gotten t'see this so-called copy?" the silver fox demanded.

It was Kurda who answered him (and rather contemptuously, too). "You bootbrained shtinky scummy common stupid foxbeast mitt not even a tail to your Sueish name! Didn't you pay any attention to der rules? Nobeast is allowed veapons so ve can't kill each other! (Sadly.)"

Plugg turned a bright shade of red. "For yore information, _darlin',_ I _do_ have a tail, and my name is NOT _Sueish!_ An' as fer the rules, what need does a Freebooter have f–"

"How do you haff a tail again?" Kurda interrupted, furrowing her brow. "It vos cut off."

It was time for Plugg to roll his eyes and give a contemptuous answer. "Well look who just asked that! Didn't you read der rules?" he mimicked Kurda. "In fanfiction, me tail c'n be attached to me body again whenever I pleases!"

"It's true," nodded Kel. "Although in this fic, you have the ability to remove it whenever you want."

"Now _why_ would I wan' _that?" _Plugg snorted.

The male ferret shrugged. "I always did like that one scene where you and all the other Freebooters were dancing around the bonfire, and then you got a little carried away and took off your tail and started swinging it around your head–"

At this, Kurda burst out laughing. Plugg turned red again; he didn't know which ferret to yell at first.

He decided on Kurda. "Arr, shuttup, snotnose! At least I ain't a coward like you!"

At this the Pure Ferret stopped laughing at once. "Nobeast calls der Queen of de 'Ouse of Riftgaurd coward!"

Plugg blinked. "Queen? When'd you promote yerself?"

"Idiot! I became queen when I retrieved mine crown from der serpents, remember?"

"Although, yew never offed yer daddy, like you said you would," the fox pointed out with an insolent grin.

"I remember dat well, fox," Kurda growled through clenched teeth. "And as I recall, _you_ never 'offed' me!"

"Ah, but I would have!" the Freebooter countered.

"No you vouldn't have!"

"Yes I would!"

"Vould not."

"Vould too," Plugg said, imitating her accent.

_"Vould not!" _shrieked Kurda, firing up.

"Guys, guys!" called Kelaiah. "Can we just answer the current fanmail before things get too out of hand . . . er, paw, er . . . whatever."

"Fine," huffed Kurda.

Plugg didn't say anything; he was too busy smirking at Kurda. But Kel decided to take that as the Freebooter's agreement anyway.

"Alright, then. Our very first fanmail comes from All American Autor."

_Princess Kurda: You talk with an accent that is way too thick. Learn to talk normally. (Hands over a Rosetta Stone package) Use this._

"MINE ACCENT IS NOT TOO T'ICK!" screeched Kurda, standing up and flailing her arms about, wishing fervently that she had her sabre and that All American Autor was standing in front of her (and that she was allowed to kill Plugg, who was laughing his head off at the moment). "I TALK PLENTY NORMAL, YOU SICK, TVISTED, SCUMMY, PIECE OF-!"

A large splash of cold water doused the raging ferretmaid.

"Sorry, Kurda," said Kel, "but you really shouldn't lose your temper like that."

The Pure Ferret could only stand there, quivering with rage, and staring red-eyed at the male ferret while her sopping silk robes dripped on the floor.

Plugg continued to laugh quite hard, tears pouring down his cheeks, clapping his paws and stamping his seabooted footpaws. "Now that shut 'er up! Good 'n proper! Hahaharr!"

Kurda wrenched up the Rosetta Stone package and flung it at the cackling fox, scoring right between his ears.

"OW! Hey! That hurt, y'little–!"

Within a blink of an eye, long pale pink straps of cloth wrapped themselves around Plugg, covering him from head to seabooted footpaw, save for his (you guessed it) eyes, ears, nose, and tail.

"Now, now," Kelaiah said calmly, standing up and looking between the drenched Kurda and the pink-colored Plugg. "Let's not start throwing things or losing our tempers so soon into the chapter, okay? Now please, sit down, stay calm, and don't make me use this to its full capacity," the ferret added through clenched teeth, holding up his perilous lazer.

Both Pure Ferret and Freebooter knew it was hopeless to argue, so they could only nod silently (Kurda was silent because she was so angry; Plugg couldn't talk otherwise). As soon as they did, however, Kurda was instantly dried, and Plugg was untied.

Both 'Triss'-Villains sat down as calmly as they could, Kurda not failing to thank Kel for drying her (and making certain that her robes weren't damaged), and Plugg slightly embarrassed at being trussed up in pink.

"Alright, then," said Kel, accepting Kurda's thanks. "Now let's see what American Autor has to say to Plugg."

_Plugg Firetail: You should really change your name now that you lost your tail. Wait a sec... (knocks out Plugg). Hey, Kel, put some Krazy glue on his tail, bye._

"Ummm. . . . okay," blinked Kel, gazing down at Plugg's suddenly unconscious form (Kurda snickered). "Well, as nice as your idea was, American Autor, I think we already established that Plugg is able to reattach his tail, thanks to the powers of fanfiction."

"He vos right, dough," said Kurda, smirking. "Plugg really should've dought about gettink a new name after losink his tail!"

The male ferret shrugged. "Meh. We'll never know. Now Plugg, wake up. C'mon, Plugg. Wake up. WAKE UUUPPPP!"

The silver fox sat up, rubbing his head. "Ooohhh, me achin' 'ead! I got an 'angover!"

Kurda laughed cruelly at that. "Hah! You vish! You got beat up by one of der reviewers, hahaha!"

"Here, take some aspirin," said Kel before Plugg could say a word. "It's the same kind Badrang and Ublaz used in the previous chapters."

After swallowing the pills and some water, Plugg was feeling much better, though still a little groggy. And he was still smarting from the fact that he had been knocked out so easily (Kurda snickered again).

"Anyway," said Kelaiah. "Let's get on with the next fanmail. I think this'll be our last one for this chapter, and then we'll get into the serious fanmail in the next chapter.

"Next fanmail letter . . . or E-mail . . . whichever one you prefer, is from our very own Jarrtail!"

_Question for Kurda: How do you feel about being beaten in a swordfight by an untrained slave after all that training you went through?_

"I feel cheated, dat's vot I feel!" snapped Kurda. "Vy vould Brian Jacques haff me be a talented svordbeast when I'm just goink to be defeated in t'ree seconds by a little Sue of a squirrel?"

"HEY!" SHOUTED TRISS FROM OUTSIDE THE ROOM. "I AM _NOT_ A SUE!"

"Oh please," scoffed Kurda, pleased that she had angered her enemy so much (and that the squirrel couldn't get at her). "You don't go through any trainink, an' den you suddenly pick up a svord an' know all of a sudden how to use it? Sorry, but dat just says 'Sue' all over! Yarr!"

"GGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!" SCREECHED TRISS, WHO WAS ANGRY AT NOT ONLY KURDA, BUT ALSO AT KEL FOR NOT ALLOWING HER TO GO IN THERE AND BEAT THE TAR OUT OF KURDA, AND AT BRIAN JACQUES FOR HAVING UNDERDEVELOPED HER FIGHTING SKILLS.

"Yes, well, ANYway," said Kel. "We'd all love to go into that right now, Triss, but right now, we have fan letters to anwer. So please, let's just to keep things calm around here?" And with that, he teleported the squirrelmaid away with his lazer.

_Question for Captain Plugg: Do you think you would have beaten Kurda if it wasn't for the snakes?_

"Course I would've," replied Plugg as though it were the most obvious thing in the whole world. "That's why Brian Jacques had me eaten by the snakes, so 'e would've 'ad the princess to be slayed by the squirrel."

"No you vouldn't haff!" snapped Kurda. "You vouldn't haff beaten me!"

"Says you!" retorted Plugg.

"Also says Tazzin," grinned the ferret princess.

Plugg blinked. "Tazzin? Wot - wot're you talkin' about? When'd she-"

Without a word, Kurda whipped out a paperback version of 'Triss'.

"Page t'ree-hundred an' t'irty-von, paragraph six, and I quote. . . ." Here Kurda cleared her throat, and did a surprisingly good impression of Tazzin. "'She'd 'ave slayed Plugg if'n the snakes didn't get to 'im first. That ferret's a real swordbeast!'"

And with that, the Pure Ferret set the book down with a slam and smiled triumphantly at the Freebooter.

_"Wot?!"_shouted Plugg. "Lemme see that!" He snatched the book away (Kurda didn't bother trying to prevent him), flipped to the page where the Pure Ferret princess had read from and scanned Tazzin's lines.

"See?" said Kurda. "If der snakes hadn't come, I vould haff chopped you up good vit mine sabre, yarr!"

Plugg stared disbelieving down at the weasel's lines, almost heartbroken that one of his crewbeasts had actually thought that he could've been bested. However, he hid his emotions and tossed the book back to Kurda, snorting contemptuously.

"Hmph! Wot does she know? That ole weasel wasn' so bright after all! Never 'ad any h'eddication."

Kurda only grinned.

"Well I suppose-" began Kel, accept he was suddenly tackled by a large creature, who shouted, "KELLY!" and began giving him a rough but playful noogey.

"AARRGGG! Cole! AAAACCK! Cole, knock it off! ARGG, ARRGG!"

Finally, the male ferret managed to jerk free, rubbing at his neck and the top of his head, glaring at the smiling genet.

"How many times do I have to tell you?!" the irate Kel shouted. "Do NOT call me KELLY!"

After a moment of silence or two, however, Kel suddenly grinned and noogied Cole right back.

As soon as the noogeying was done between the two, Cole brought out a big box of donuts (which he held temptingly under the male ferret's nose) and said, "Dear Dark Forest! How did Kelly get you two on this show without you two killing him or each other?"

Kurda and Plugg both grinned; unlike Badrang, they actually liked Cole, having previously met him on better terms in Dark Forest. Both creatures then replied in unison (as much as they could, seeing as how their accents were so much different from the other), "'S a long story, but let's say it involved Kelaiah's Dreaded Clicker Lazer Thing."

Kel was not happy about being called 'Kelly' again, but he was too distracted by the donuts (several of which were his favorite type: cream-filled with maple frosting) to go on his normal screaming rant.

"So what brings you here?" the ferret asked the genet through a mouthful of custardy donut.

Cole drew himself up, indignant. "I thought you said I was going to be a regular on this show!"

Kel paused, thought, and said, "Oh right. Silly me. Sorry. Oh, by the way, did you stop Badrang from stopping Rose from giving that tape to Martin as an anniversary gift?"

The genet winked and grinned. "You bet I did! That's why I got here so late. Oh, and I stopped by the store to pick up some snacks for two of my favorite characters!" he beamed as he passed the box to Plugg and Kurda.

"Thanks, matey, though there ain't any stores in Mossflower," the pirate-fox pointed out.

"Still can't wake up and sniff the . . . Forest, huh Plugg? You're DEAD! D-E-A-D! _DEAD!_ There are things here in Dark Forest ya never seen in the life! Like these chocolate donuts!" The genet held up said item and ate it with a smile.

Plugg sat up indignanttly. "I know perfectly well that I'm dead, but I'm alive now! Er, dead-alive . . . alive-dead . . . somethin' like that . . . if that makes any sense."

"No, it does not," stated Kurda bluntly.

Plugg started to explain, but then realized that trying to do so would . . . be like . . . impossible, so he didn't.

As for Kel, the ferret snatched the doughnut box back while the others were talking, making certain the last maple-frosted-cream-filled donut was his.

"So what's the topic of conversation here?" Cole asked pleasantly, looking back and forth between the silver-furred fox and Pure Ferret princess.

"Just answering fanmail," Kurda answered. "Some reviewer asked me how I felt about losink to dat squirrel so quickly."

The genet grinned at the Pure Ferret's apparent rage at the memory. "Never liked that squirrel myself. The only thing fatter than her tail was her ego after beating Kurda without any training. Been so even after her death. I swear if she makes one more gag about my kind being the result of a cat and raccoon I'm gonna kick her brush into a forest above this one!"

Kurda laughed.

"Hey wait a minute," Cole said, turning to Kel. "I thought this was just an intro chapter where the reviewers weren't supposed to fanmail yet?"

The ferret shrugged. "A couple of the reviewers didn't realize that, so they sent some in anyway."

"Lazy barnacles. Too lazy to even WAIT till after-!"

"Yes well ANYway," interrupted Kel (Plugg and Kurda chuckled and snorted).

"So what'd they ask you?" Cole asked Plugg, ignoring the male ferret.

"Whole load of rubbish, that's what they asked. Well, not really. The first reviewer didn't even ask a question, jus' made a comment about me changin' me name cuz they forgot I could put me tail on again! Arrg, Kel, can I have me axe back to chop that reviewer in two?"

_"No."_

"Why not?! C'mon, it's MY axe, and sure, it was Sagax's after I died, but I'm alive again! Gimme my axe!"

Cole shook his head. "Some beasts just can't except death as something permanent."

"Wot?"

"Nothin'."

Kelaiah rolled his eyes. "How many times do we have to go through this? You're not allowed weapons-"

"So we won't kill each other!" Plugg interrupted, gesturing between himself and Kurda. "I get that! But I don't wanna bump off Kurda (not yet anyway), I wanna bump off the reviewer!"

"Well that's against the rules too."

_"Wot?_ Since when?!"

"Since the beginning of the show. Now sit still and be quiet. You can get them on your way out."

Kurda snorted. "Like he actually could."

"I could so!"

"Could not."

"Could too."

"Could not!"

"Could too!"

Cole chuckled. If there was a top five reason why he was friends with said ferret and fox, was because entertaining fights like this did not come too often. And when they do, they are some of the best arguments and fights around.

"Well ANYway," Kelaiah called over the two quarreling beasts. "Let's move on, shall we?"

"But I'm not caught up yet!" whined Cole.

"Oh, alright, fine!" snapped Kel. "What else do you want to know?"

"What else have the reviewers asked ya?" the genet asked Plugg and Kurda.

"Von of dem said mine accent vos too thick," said Kurda darkly.

Plugg grinned. "Yeah, and then 'er 'ighness got all mad and Kel had to dunk 'er wi' water! Hahahaharr!"

"SHUT UP, FOX!"

Cole shot up out of his seat, yelling, "Hold on Kurda! No reason to flip now!" The genet then slid his chair a few feet away from Kelaiah and sat back down. "Ok. NOW flip!"

Kel and Kurda rolled their eyes while Plugg went on laughing.

"Ahem, well, anyway," said Kel.

Kurda was glaring at the laughing corsair before a malicious light appeared in her pink eyes. "And den another reviewer knocked Plugg out, and den I knocked him out too vit a Rosetta Stone package!"

Plugg stopped laughing, shooting daggers at the Pure Ferret. "Yeah, an' it 'urt, you slobbery-"

"ME slobbery? YOU'RE der von who's slobbery!"

As the two started bickering anew, Cole bent over, trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

"CAN WE _PLEASE _JUST GET ON WITH THIS THING?!" Kelaiah roared. "I DON'T WANT TO USE MY LAZER AGAIN!"

"And pay hundreds in coins for lazer bills."

"Shut up, Cole. I have no bills!"

"Sure you do."

"Shut up."

"You already told me to do that."

"SHUT UP!"

"But anyway," Cole went on, completely disregarding the raging male ferret, "who was that reviewer that made all those comments?"

"I dink his name vos All American Autor or something," Kurda replied.

Almost instantly the genet remembered that that was the very same reviewer who whacked him with a rubber mallet! With lightning speed he suddenly shot from his seat, into the mysterious 'pocket' where the virtual versions of reviewers exist, and flung himself at said reviewer, proceeding to beat the snot out of him with a Super Sledge Hammer.

After a few minutes of some of the most possibly violent beating ever seen on fanfiction, the genet then came back in and took his seat. "Hit me with a blisterin' mallet. I hope I gave him the worst beating EVER!"

Both Pure Ferret and silver fox had wide-eyed looks of surprise and awe at how Cole suddenly attacked one of the reviewers like that. Something they could never do.

"Vere did you get dat?" Kurda asked, staring at the Super Sledge Hammer.

Cole smiled as he dropped the Super Sledge on the floor, making a slight thump vibrate through the room as it landed. "I used disposable Clicker lasers. They're like Kel's clicker-" ("It's not called a 'clicker', it's called a 'lazer'!" the irate ferret said, but was largely ignored) "-and can do just about anything his clicker can, only its cheaper to buy and has a much cheaper bill . . . at the cost of being usable for only twelve uses. I use it to sometimes to go to other dimensions. Bringing back 'souvenirs' whenever I feel like it."

Kelaiah sighed, and, with the help of his lazer, sent some bandages, medicine, and aspirin to All American Autor, with the sincerest apology card he could think of.

"Cole," the ferret said as patiently as he could. "What have I told you about attacking the reviewers like that?"

"I don't believe the conversation ever came up."

"Well we're bringin' it up now. And here's some food for thought: if you want to stay on in this fic, DON'T EVER ATTACK A REVIEWER AGAIN!"

"But he attacked ME FIRST-"

"I DON'T CARE! I WILL NOT HAVE YOU ASSAULTING MY REVIEWERS AS THOUGH THEY WERE ONE OF YOUR HORDEBEASTS!"

Cole began to open his mouth, but was cut off by Kelaiah.

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! YOU EITHER BEHAVE YOURSELF OR YOU CAN JUST MOSEY ON OUTTA HERE! IS THAT CLEAR?!"

The genet almost pouted his lips, but quickly took on a cool look and replied, "Crystal."

Cole suddenly whipped out his disosable lazer and zapped Kelaiah, turning him into a very very VERY tiny ferret. Too tiny to even press a single button on his own lazer.

Well, you can be sure that Kel went into 'a fine old temper', dancing with rage and screaming at the top of his miniscule lungs, demanding to be returned to his original size.

Sadly (for him), the angry ferret was now too small for anybeast to hear him. Cole leaned his ear over to make out what Kel was saying, the friendliest of his words being, "I can't believe this! Wha- Cole! How could you do this?!"

Now try to imagine Kel saying all that with a chipmunk-like voice. (You can be certain that he was enraged about that, too.)

Eventually, after a few minutes of toying with the poor small ferret, Cole decided to be merciful and returned Kel to his original size (provided that the ferret didn't try to seek revenge; Kel figured he might as well keep this promise, knowing that if he didn't more chaos would ensue, so . . . yeah).

"Good. . . . now then. . . ." A newly-grown Kel glanced at Plugg and Kurda, who were wide-eyed, shocked, and giggling.

"I think we should start the serious reviewing right now," the male ferret said swiftly. And with that, he teleported himself and Cole to what he called 'The Safe Room' (until he could think of something better to call it) for Plugg and Kurda to answer their fanmail.

Just as soon as they were gone, however, both corsair and princess heard Cole's voice from the intercom, "I still say Triss is a Sue."

Kurda beamed and grinned.

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, people! It's time to fanmail! Go ahead, ask 'em pretty much what you want (as long as its nothing inappropriate, thank you).

And also, I decided that there's going to be a continuity of the 'contest' theme: who do you think would've won the battle if the snakes hadn't come in? Plugg or Kurda?

**Kurda:** But of course _I _vould haff won! Plugg vould haff come at me, I chop him up quick vit mine sabre, there you go! And Tazzin agrees vit me!

**Plugg:** Wot does she know? She's just an idiot weasel! I would've beaten yer lily-white tail into next season!

**Kurda: **Suuuuure you vould have, old one.

**Plugg: **'Old one'?! 'OLD ONE'?! Where'd you get off callin' me old, missy?!

**Kurda: **Vell, it said in der book dat you vere no longer young-

**Plugg:** Did not!

**Kurda:** Did too!

**Plugg:** Did not!

**Kurda:** Did too!

**Plugg:** Did not!

**Kurda:** Did too!

**Plugg:** Did not!

**Kurda:** Did too!

**Kel: **Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Anyway. . . . oh, and All American Autor, I hope you can forgive Cole for his . . . violent behavior. He's only like that when people attack him first (and you did attack him first . . . yes, with a rubber mallet, but . . . siiiiiiiigh).

Also, I would like to wish Cole a very Happy Birthday.

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLE!!!!** :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

(If anyone else wishes to grant Cole a happy birthday, they can . . . after all, who's gonna stop them? ;) XD)

Also, Cole wishes to share with a link to the Super Sledge: .

Alright, happy fanmailing and voting, people! God bless!

~Kel :)


	8. Bonus Chapter

**!!BONUS CHAPTER!! ENJOY! :D**

After the intro was done and the emails started coming in, there became a break before the show.

Kelaiah returned to the fanmail-answering-room for the time being, simply because Cole kept pestering him about how he'd be bored sitting in the 'Safe Room' waiting for all the fanmail to come in. So finally the ferret allowed the genet back into the other room, and came along too to keep an eye on Cole.

Plugg went off to the restroom (being told derisively by Kurda to remember to wash his paws; the Freebooter spat at her), leaving Cole, Kel and Kurda seated comfortably in their . . . well, seats.

Suddenly, as if out of the blue, Cole got an idea.

The genet smiled and turned to the princess. "You know Kurda, after all these seasons in Dark Forest, I have never really noticed any of your dates either going well or lasting long."

"So?" frowned the Pure Ferret.

"So I was thinking. . . ."

The pure ferret arched a brow as Cole started to trail off. "Vot?"

"Why don't you and Kelaiah hook up?"

"VOT!?" the princess yelled, nearly falling out of her chair.

As for Kel, he too was a bit stunned by Cole's words, but then came a moment of confusion, for he had no clear idea how he should react to _Kurda's_ reaction.

"Oh come on, Kurda!" wheedled Cole. "Have some faith and mercy for a poor dead soul!"

"Why should _I _be goink out on a date vit HIM!?" Kurda snarled, pointing a sharp white claw at the male ferret.

Kel finally chose indignation as his reaction to Kurda.

"Well. . . ." This made the genet think for a few long seconds (causing Kel to look at him with wide, insulted eyes). "He's . . . nice and very patient, and pretty giving with that clicker of his. . . ."

"It's NOT a-"

But Cole hadn't been paying attention to Kel; only looking at Kurda's 'Oh really?' expression.

"Okay, yes! He does look kinda nerdy-"

"Hey!"

"Kinda dorky..."

_"Hey!"_

"And kinda geeky..."

"HEY!"

"Ok! I confess! He's a nerdy, dorky, geeky, below-middle-class-looking ferret who when he gets separated from his clicker often ends up getting hung by his tunic on the highest Dark Forest tree vermin can find, forcing ME to climb up there to get him down!"

"EXCUSE ME!" ROARED KELAIAH. "I'M RIGHT HERE, Y'KNOW!"

"But I am telling the truth about him being kind and generous!" the genet went on, STILL ignoring the male ferret.

It took quite a bit of strength not to give into the temptation of shrinking Cole like he promised not to . . . but somehow, surprisingly, Kel managed.

Kurda was slightly embarrassed to be just _thinking_ about it. Her and _Kelaiah?_ On a DATE!? "I'm not so sure. . . ."

The genet interrupted. "Think of it this way. He apparently can get anything he wants with that laser, and he is quite smart, AND he has no problem spending coins in paying unneeded bills. . . . In fact, he seems to have a VERY high-paying job to pay them all off. . . . He may LOOK poor, Kurda, but I've never seen a bill he hasn't paid off. . . ."

This made the Pure Ferret turn a cheek toward the possibly. She was actually starting to think of taking Kelaiah on a date. . . . Till Cole screwed it up!

"I mean even if he got you all wet on national TV or whatever and everybeast could see through your wet clothes and maybe forgot to censor it-"

_**"VVVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT???????!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!???"**_

The pure ferret blew up and shot out of her seat, quivering with rage. "How DARE you humiliate me like dat you horrible sick stupid mud-furred scrawny stupid bootbrained malebeast you!"

A startled and horrified Kelaiah then began to hurriedly explain that Cole was mistaken about the wet clothes, that that had never happened, but he never got to say more than two words, for Kurda smacked him so hard it would've made Jack Sparrow wince.

The force of the princess's slap made the male ferret spin around in his chair before losing his balance and falling to the floor, slipping out of his chair and having said chair land right on top of him.

"Oops," was all the genet said as Kurda stormed off in a rage. He quickly chased after her, calling, "Wait, Kurda! It was a mistake! He doesn't even know the opposite gender that well! Kurda! Come on!"

Meanwhile, Kel was laying on the ground, his face stinging, his head spinning, his chair still on top of him.

Maybe allowing Cole to be regular was a bad mistake. . . .

Just then Plugg came hurrying back in, saying, "Hey, wot 'appened? I 'eard the princess yellin' 'er lungs out! Who did wot to 'er?" he asked gleefully, looking down at the floored male ferret.

After a moment or two of breathless silence, Kelaiah turned his head in the fox's direction and said, "You DON'T want to know."

* * *

**A/N:** Heh, yeah. Just a little idea Cole had, and I just couldn't say no. XD Boy, Kel does seem to have a weird relationship with romance, doesn't he? XD Hope you all enjoyed!

And keep on fanmailing! :D

Till next time, God bless!

~Kel

* * *


	9. Plugg and Kurda

"Alright, folks," said Kelaiah. "Welcome back to another installment of Redwall Fanmail! And this time, we will be answering all the fanmail that we have made time for!"

Kurda snorted, sitting in her chair with hunched shoulders and crossed legs. Plugg grinned at her.

Kelaiah rolled his eyes. "Look, Kurda, there was nothing going on! Cole was just making it up! He-oh, never mind! Let's just get on with this."

"Bullfrog, Kelaiah! How could I make up something that literally happened!?" shouted Cole. "I'm pretty sure that water and such was not made up at all," the genet added as he shook his head and smiled.

Kel rolled his eyes again. "No, Cole, I mean what you said about me having to censor Kurda's wet clothes; I didn't have to, because there was nothing to see! Ugh, well, I don't wanna get into this, so let's just . . . yeah.

"The first fanmail is from angel0fmus1c."

_I'm really starting to like Cole! Happy birthday!_

"Thanks. I am now . . ." The genet suddenly realized he had no idea how old he was now due to spending countless years (or seasons, or whatever) dead and gone in dark Forrest. "Uhhhhhhh . . . well it's not important anymore."

_Kurda: How are you sure you would have beaten Plugg? I mean, you had your butt handed to you on a silver platter by a teeny, tiny little slave squirrel, with very little training. (I love you Triss!) Plugg could have beaten you._

"A lot you know!" shouted Kurda; her nerves were a bit on edge since the bonus chapter (Plugg snickered). "Plugg could NOT haff beaten me, he vos veaponless and I had mine sabre at der ready! I vould have chopped him up gutt, yarr!"

"But she just said-" began Plugg, but Kurda cut him off.

"Shut up! And as for der squirrel, she vos NOT 'teeny, tiny', she vos reasonably my size, and she didn't defeat me, I cheated her of her revenge!"

"Did not," said Plugg.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"DID TOO!"

"ALRIGHT!" shouted Kel. "Let's get on with this, shall we?"

_Plugg: You were always one of my favorite villains in the series. I was impressed with your skills and the loyalty your crew showed you. Take some comfort in the fact it took THREE snakes to kill you. What would you have changed your name to?_

"Awww, that's nice, darlin'," smiled Plugg.

"Hmph!" said Kurda.

"An' yes, yer right," continued Plugg, ignoring the irate princess. "I ought ter take comfort in th' fact that it did take three serpents to-"

"Dey just came up behind you and carried you away!" shouted Kurda. "You didn't fight dem, not like mine grandsire, King Sarengo!"

The genet's ears perked at the name. "That's a ferret everybeast should respect! It takes a lot to kill an adder. Ever for big beasts like owls and badgers."

Kurda nodded in agreement.

"But 'e didn' fight with the serpents," objected Plugg.

"But he did kill der mother!" shot back Kurda. "He fought like a wildbeast, and took der snake down vit him, while _you _just screamed like a little dibbun-maid!"

"HEY!" shouted Plugg. "I did not!"

"Oh please," Kurda rolled her pink eyes. She then did a pretty good mimic of Plugg when he died. "Mates 'elp meeeeeeeeeeee! Some freebooter!"

"Yew shuttup!" snarled Plugg, pointing a dirty claw at her.

"_You_ shut up!"

"No yew shut up!"

"No you shut up!"

"No yew shut up!"

"No YOU shut-"

"OKAY!" roared Kelaiah. "Can we please just get on with this?!"

"Fine," huffed Plugg. "Anyway, to answer your question, miss angel-of-music, I _wouldn't_ have changed me name, cuz I didn't need to."

Kurda snorted louder than ever.

And before Plugg could say another word, Kel said, "Yes, and there's more to her fanmail. Let's read it, shall we?"

_Your Highness, Kelaiah: You should really patent your lazer so you can get at least part of the profits. You invented it. You should make money out of the disposable lazers that Cole was buying._

Kelaiah blinked. Then he turned on the genet, "THAT'S RIGHT!"

The genet sat there with a confused look on his face. "What are ya looking at me for!? I BUY the stupid things! Not sell or make them! Though I do know who makes them."

"And that would be. . . .?" the ferret prompted.

Cole only response was: "Not telling after that outburst at me. . . ." He smiled and crossed his arms.

Kel snorted bad-temperedly, but realized he'd have a hell of a time trying to get the genet to talk, so didn't pursue the matter (he'd find out who was making those disposable lazers on his own!).

* * *

"Alright, the next fanmail is from Jarrtail."

_Sorry about fanmailing too early. I keep forgetting about the intro chapters._

"That's okay, Jar," Kel said reassuringly. "We all make mistakes."

_Anyway, I think that Plugg would have beaten Kurda, as he was more experienced with live targets, and could beat her in paw-to-paw combat._

"Hah, so that's two fer me and _none_ fer you, miss prissy princess!"

"Don't you call me-!"

"ANYway," said Kelaiah. "Let's go with the next fanmail, shall we? Ah, its from All American Autor!"

_I probably deserved that. Though it did hurt. Cole, you better watch your back, because Saron's going to be there. Maw hahahahah!_

"I ain't scared," the genet said dully.

"Who's Saron?"

"I don't know," said Kel. "Maybe that's American Autor's alter-ego or something . . . or maybe its a misspelling of Sauron. Who knows?"

"Sauron? I thought he was dead."

"Uh, this is fanfiction?" was the only answer Kel gave.

"No. This is Dark Forest," piped in one of Cole's many hordebeasts (who now served him in death even as they once did in life . . . as security mostly).

"You're both wrong. This is Sparta!" Cole said, causing nearly everybeast to burst out in laughter.

"Anyway," the ferret went on. "The next fanmail is from the lovely Much Ado About Nonny."

_Just one question, since I couldn't think of any others that didn't sound too obvious. It's for both Kurda *and* Plugg:_

_Is there any chance, *any* chance, that you have a love/hate relationship? As in, you secretly like each other, but you don't want to admit it, so you spend your time beating each other up, exchanging insults, and/or attempting to murder each other, just so you can hide your *real* feelings?_

_Newo: KODAK MOMENT!! *snaps a picture of Plugg and Kurda's reactions to this insinuation, then runs away to avoid being disemboweled* MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!_

_Nonny: *wipes a tear of mirth from eyes* Heeheehee, classic. I'm sorry, I'd just heard of this one fan who thought you could be attracted to each other, and I was like, "Huh? Where'd you get *that* idea?" It's not true, is it?_

"NO, it is NOT true!" shouted Kurda, and for once, Plugg was in full agreement with her.

"He is _vay_ too old for me!" Right about here was where Plugg's agreement with Kurda ended.

"'Too old'?!" the freebooter cried. "I ain't too old!"

"Oh, don't try to deny it," snapped Kurda. "Your fur is silver vit age-"

"It's silver because I was BORN this way!" shouted Plugg. "Besides, me tail isn't gray. Its a nice, pure goldy-red, showin' that I'm in me prime!"

"Prime, _riiiiiiiiiight,"_ said Kurda. "And not only dat," the princess went on, ignoring the fuming corsair, "but he is too smelly und disgustink! Doesn't vash himself or anythink like dat-"

"Excuse me," interrupted Plugg. "But yer not so much of a prize yerself!"

"Yes I am," retorted Kurda. "You alvays said so."

"WHAT?! Since _when?!"_

The princess grinned and again pulled out the paperback version of _Triss._ "Page von-hundred und eighty, paragraph two," she then imitated Plugg's voice, "That proud liddle beauty frightens me t'death."

Plugg glared with icy contempt at the Pure Ferret. "I was bein' sarcastic, dearie!"

"Aha, dere you go again!" said Kurda, triumphantly pointing a sharp white claw at the Freebooter. "You vere alvays callink me t'ings like 'dearie' und 'missy' instead of nasty names. Dat's because-"

"That's because I talkin' down t'you!" snarled Plugg.

"Sure you vere."

"Well I was!"

"Or how about dis? Page von-hundred und eighty-von, paragraph five, 'Now, there's a maid after me own 'eart.'"

"That's cos I was gonna kill yew!" shouted Plugg.

"I dought you didn't hold vit falsehood," smiled Kurda, fluttering her eyelashes at the silver fox. "You said so right after dat last line."

Plugg opened and closed his mouth for awhile before sputtering out, "I do NOT have feelings for yew!"

Kurda threw back her head and laughed, long and loud. "You vere alvays callink me 'pretty' und 'lovely'. You found me attractive!"

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"STOP!" shouted Kelaiah. "I can't take it anymore!"

"Better stop, you two, before Kelly's head goes flyin' off."

"DON'T CALL ME KELLY!"

"Alright, alright," said Cole. "Sheesh."

"Fine," muttered Kurda. "Und ve go on vit the rest of der fanmail."

"Yeah, no need to get all crazy on us, Kel, sheesh," added in Plugg.

"Yes, I know. And thank you," the male ferret said softly.

_Anyway, Kurda, you are my favorite villainess of all time, and I was really disappointed that you didn't get a climatic battle scene like other villains. True, you would have been beaten, but at the very *least* you could get a chance to show off some of your skills. I mean, *Tsarmina* nearly killed *Martin,* and compared to you, she was a wimp._

"Dat is right," smiled Kurda, nodding. "She vos a vimp, alvays afraid of der vater or her sissy little brother comink back to get her! Hahahahaha! Some queen she make! And yarr, if I vos to be beaten, at _least_ Jacques should haff been givink me a better fight!"

"Kurda, you know that she is gonna rip you up into tiny pieces if she ever finds out you said that, right?" Cole asked nervously, knowing full well how sharp the wildcat's claws really were. (He found out on the day he had tried to help her deal with her water phobia. The lesson ended - very briefly, too - with the wildcat panicking and leaping onto the genet to get out of the water, claws out sticking right out!)

"I no afraid of her," Kurda replied. "I just keep plenty of buckets of water around, and go Vicked Vitch on her if she come near me!"

Kel sputtered with laughter; after calming himself, he mentioned, "Yeah, I was always disappointed in the fight between you and Triss, too. I mean, come on, that would've been the first climatic catfight in the whole _Redwall_ series, but noooo!"

"Anyvay," said Kurda. "T'ank you, Nonny, for your support, and t'ank you for voting for me."

"What?!" shouted Plugg. "She didn't vote for you!"

"Der mere fact that she likes me clearly shows dat she _meant_ to vote for me, but merely forgot as she ranted about how I vos cheated in mine last shcene!"

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"IT COUNTS!" shouted Kel. "Kurda, you have one vote, Plugg, you have two. There! Now sit down and answer the rest of the fanmail!"

"Boy," muttered Plugg, using human slang. "Somebeast needs some therapy."

"I HEARD THAT!"

"So?"

". . . whatever. Anyway, the next fanmail is from Azure Neko."

_Fanmail for Kurda: What were you and your brother like as ferretbabes? Tell us about some of the mischief you two got into. There had to be some._

The ferret princess smiled reminscently. "Oh, I vos an adorable little ferretbabe, all vhite and pink-eyed, and mine brother was just dis big ugly lump of vhite fur, all vhiney and shpoiled. Not like me, I vos tough und had mine vay, vhenever I vanted! . . . except vhen mine father stopped me, vhich really annoyed me! I suppose some of der mischief mine brother und me got into vos . . . vell, he vould steal from der larders (of course), und I vould tattle on him. But mine father vould alvays laugh at mine brother's antics und say 'e vos just a growin' babe who needed plenty of food, der old fool!"

"Uh oh," smiled Plugg. "Sounds like somebeast has some issues with their daddy!"

"Vould you care to help me, old one?" Kurda shot back, arching an eyebrow at him.

Plugg flushed and said no more. Kurda grinned.

Kel also blushed, but said, "Uh, er, um, th-the next fanmail is from Oreramar."

_Aw, poor Kel!  
It's okay. You probably shouldn't get involved with characters from other worlds, anyhow.  
Here, have a lolly. It might make you feel better._

The ferret frowned and roughly blew out his nose . . . but he accepted the lolly all the same.

_I can give Kurda and Plugg some slightly generic questions, if that's okay._

_For Plugg:  
- Nobody is fearless; everyone has SOME fear or another. What is one thing you're honestly afraid of?_

"Well I _was_ afraid when th' snakes got me, but after all that, I don't really have any-"

Kurda suddenly screamed, pointing behind the fox, "SHNAKES!"

"AAAARRRRRGGGGG!" Plugg dove across the table and hid behind Kurda's chair - before realizing that she had only been putting him on.

Cole, also being a death victim of a snake attack himself, nearly jumped out of his seat as well when the Pure Ferret screamed 'shnakes'. However, he realized before Plugg did, that there weren't any of the hated creatures around, causing the genet to slide back down into his seat, glaring at the Pure Ferret before mumbling, "That wasn't funny. . . ."

"Y'know," said Kel. "My older sister said that's what makes a joke funny. Saying 'that's not funny' makes something funny!"

Cole blinked. "Your sister sounds like she has a weird sense of humor."

Kel winked. "Oh yes, she does, mate. She does. . . ."

Meanwhile, Plugg was threatening Kurda with imminent doom. _"You-!"_

"No violence," warned Kel.

Plugg glowered in the intercom's direction, but eventually took his seat.

_For Kurda:  
- Swordfighting isn't something you might instinctively expect a princess to be interested in (not that it's a bad thing). How and when did you first become interested in weilding a sword?_

The ferret princess shrugged. "I don't really be knowink. I suppose I vos _alvays_ interested in swords und der like. I vos a borned warlord, I suppose. Inherited mine granpa's lust for var, yarr!"

It was here that the way Plugg looked at Kurda changed briefly. There was a flash of mild admiration in his eyes . . . but that disappeared within a moment or two.

_For both:  
A genie/spirit/magical-what-have-you pops out of a bottle and grants you three wishes (no wishing for more wishes, no bending time or space oddly, and no godhood grants). What is your first reaction to this, and what might you wish for?_

Both Plugg and Kurda blinked at this question.

"Er. . . ." was their first answer. They both looked at each other before Plugg said, "Ladies first."

"I suppose mine first reaction vould be shock, naturally. Den I vould vish for . . . let's see. Can I vish for death?"

"Yer own?" said Plugg hopefully.

"NO! I mean YOUR death! And Triss's death, and- vait, I can only have t'ree vishes? Hm, vell, I suppose I can kill mine father an' brother very easily myself, so . . . I suppose I vish dat Plugg and Triss die, and dat I become unstopable Queen o' Riftgard! Haha!"

"Terrible wishes," said Plugg, shaking his head. "I would wish that I had never met you- oh wait, no time-bending stuff, eh? Well then, I wish you'd be dead, tha' me crew weren't so thick 'eaded (but not smart enough to be entirely independant), an' that I 'ad conquered Redwall an' went back t' Riftgard an' became its king! Haharr!"

"Und you t'ink mine vishes are terrible," muttered Kurda darkly.

_As for Plugg vs. Kurda...  
Here's what I think would have happened. :D  
So, Plugg is unarmed, and Kurda just retrieved her sabre. Plugg rushes at her again; Kurda prepares to lop his head off.  
Plugg trips on a rock; Kurda's swing cuts air.  
Plugg rolls; knocks Kurda off her footpaws.  
Plugg scrambles upright; Kurda does the same.  
Crew bounces around for better viewpoints, some of them going up trees to see the fight. Bets are taken, and many start waving fists and weapons in the air, cheering for their favorite. The smart ones are just plain cheering.  
Plugg throws himself at Kurda again; Kurda doesn't have time to bring her sabre up or dodge. They go down.  
The same instant, a couple of vermin in the trees jostle against each other. One of them loses his grip and falls. He's holding a sword in one paw.  
Kurda and Plugg are directly below him.  
Sword pierces both.  
They both die.  
Triss has plenty of time to develop her natural skills with a sword, as Redwall probably isn't going to have to deal with a vermin attack for a while yet._

_So, any good?_

There was a bit of silence in the rooms before Kel and Cole burst out laughing. Plugg and Kurda, however, fumed with indignation.

"Me, trip? Wot kind've-"

"I vould no be killed by-"

"Guys, guys!" cried Kel, wiping his eyes. "She was just making a joke! Here's what she really thinks."

_Heh. In all seriousness, I'd say Kurda. While it is certainly possible, with luck and skill, to fight unarmed against a weapon and win, it is not something that will definitely happen. Plus, I doubt Plugg is anything near a kenpo black-belt in terms of fist fighting - he's probably too reliant on the solid blocking capabilities of his axe to instinctively dodge sword blows. The odds in that kind of fight are against Plugg._

"Ha!" said Kurda. "So dat's two for me-"

"And two fer _me!"_ interrupted Plugg. "There's still plenty more votes t'be 'ad, and they could all say me!"

"Ve shall see," growled Kurda.

"The next fanmail is from Red Squirrel Writer."

_Ah, don't worry Kelaiah. I'm sure there are many other female ferrets out there. Of course, I haven't met one yet who *wasn't* all murderous and... vermin-y._

Kel scowled and rolled his eyes. Kurda snorted bad-temperedly. Plugg actually giggled.

Cole buried his muzzle into his paw, feeling like this would never go away until he fixed it himself. Which he would at least try after the show.

_Kurda: Did you ever have any ambitions or dreams beyond becoming queen? Just sitting on a throne your whole life can't be *that* fulfilling, and I imagine you'd certainly want to avoid getting all fat and ugly like the rest of your family..._

"I vouldn't have been just sittink around on mine throne all der time!" objected Kurda. "I vould haff still continued to practice vit mine sabres, and using some slaves some of der time for sport! And while yarr, I vould like to avoid gettink all fat und ugly like mine father an' brother, not _all_ of mine family is like dem! Mine grandsire, Sarengo, vos very tall and vell-built, a fine specimen of a Pure Ferret! Und I obviously take after him, so I have no vorries about becomink fat."

_Plugg: You are a fun person. Aside from robbing, pillaging, and plundering, what is the most fun thing you can think of? And don't say looting! Or booting. Or freebooting._

"But . . . what else is there?" was what the Freebooter first said. "Oh, well, there is a nice seagoin' ditty, but really, yew can't just be sittin' around singin' all day. It'd drive me crazy!"

Kurda nodded in agreement.

"Our next fanmail is from Aris Dalton."

_To Cole: Happy Birthday! Here's a yummy chocolate cake for you._

The genet smiled and rubbed his paws together. "Cake? Wonderful! I'll get to eating it after the show. Hell, maybe I'll share it! . . . Maybe. At least with Plugg."

"What?!" objected Kel and Kurda.

The genet only smiled sweetly. "I'm bombing on you two for the past things you've done to me, like the blame for making the disposible clickers and the snakes gag.

"Hmph," the two ferrets said, unable to find any argument against him.

_To Kurda: Personally, I like your accent. You may be a bit spoiled, but you're a cool character. _

At first Kurda wasn't sure what to say to this, but eventually decided on, "T'ank you."

_Anyway, I feel sorry for you, after what you went through in That Series. (I apologize for mentioning it, by the way. Kel, you know That Series, right? The one all the Mossflower Division PPC agents want brutally murder?)_

"Yes, we do," said not only Kel and Kurda, but also Plugg, all of them taking on a very dark look.

"Er, let's not dwell on that," Kel quickly said (the other two agreed wholeheartedly with him). "Let's move on, shall we?"

_My questions for you are:  
What do you think might have happened if you and your brother switched personalities?  
Do you have any tips for those who swordfight?_

"I vould haff been fat und vimpy, vot do you dink?" said Kurda.

"He asked wot would've _'appened_," snapped Plugg. "An' 'ere's wot would've 'appened. You would've become fond of a Freebooter's life, you an' the crew would've gotten on a lot better, an' I would've been a lot nicer t'you, and you probably would've considered becomin' a Freebooter, an' I would've let you come aboard w'us and - okay let's stop there," the fox suddenly said, looking a bit troubled.

Kurda also looked troubled. Kel winced, but snickered.

"But to answer your second question," the ferret princess went on, "about der tips about swordfightink, here is one: DON'T EVER BE BETTER DAN _ME!"_

_To Plugg: I bet it stinks to lose your tail. It's lucky you have it back now, right? Also, I give you permission to beat up the author of That Series. That was just messed up._

"Thanks, mate," grinned Plugg. "Although, I don't really need your permission t'do that, do I? Heh heh!"

_My questions for you are:  
What do you think might have happened if the crown of Riftgard happened to be in Redwall, not Brockhall?  
If you had known about the snakes before you died, how would you have gone about killing them?_

"Er, well I still would've been eaten by the snakes, and then my part in the story wouldn't have-"

"I tell you vot vould haff happened!" interrupted Kurda. "I vould not haff seen der snakes vit der crown, und so vould probably go on to attack de abbey!"

"And woulda lost."

"Vould not."

"Vould too."

"DO NOT MOCK MINE ACCENT!"

"WELL THEN LEARN T'SPEAK PROPERLY!"

"OH DAT'S _RICH_ COMINK FROM A CORSAIR LIKE YOU!"

"ANYway," Kelaiah's voice broke in. "Let's move on, shall we?"

"Fine," huffed Plugg. "As for yer second question, Aris Dalton, I _wouldn't_ have gone about killin' 'em, I would've avoided 'em at all cost!"

"And you say _I_ am der coward!"

"Hey bein' safe does NOT equal bein' a coward!"

"Sure it does-"

"ANYway. . . .!"

_If there's contest about Kurda vs. Plugg, I think Kurda would win. There wasn't much in the book about how good Plugg was at fighting, compared to Kurda. Also, she was already sort of winning in the book._

"Dat's right!" smiled Kurda. "Dat's t'ree for me and only two fer you!"

"Don't get yore hopes up yet, dearie," mocked Plugg. "The next few fanmails could be votes fer me!"

"Vell vhy don't ve just see?"

"Not before we read Aris Dalton's last comment," said Kel.

_My last comment is to Triss:  
Look. Your book is one of my favorites (partly because of DAB, partly because of the cool code), but I am a firm believer in the fact that you are a Sue. There are just too many things pointing towards that factor for me to deny it._

"YES! I like Aris Dalton! I like dem a lot!"

"Our next fanmail," said Kel before Plugg could say anything, "is from icefox425."

_I think honestly, that Plugg would have won against Kurda in their final battle. He had more experience, being a Freebooter and all, and he probably had experience fighting without weapons, before he had that big Battle-axe. He was not dumb, and would've not lunged at Kurda without a weapon unless he knew how to fight that way. He also had the advantage of all those years of being a Freebooter, while Kurda had no real opponents in her Fortress._

_"See?"_

"Shut up. But I don't see how you vould haff managed to match mine sabre, der book clearly stated that I am lightnink quick! I vould haff chopped Plugg's paws off before he tried anthink!"

"Well then maybe I just would've got me axe back!"

"You couldn't! Mine back vos to it! I vould have kept you away from it!"

"Well a lot of things could've happened," interrupted Kel. "But anyway, let's get on with answering the rest of the fanmail?"

"Not before I say that's three fer me-!"

"But still t'ree for _me."_

_To Plugg: You are really awesome. If Kurda ever said that it would be impossible for you to have a fangirl, she would've been proved wrong by me. Don't worry, your crew still are loyal to you, Tazzin was blinded of Kurda's proneness to only attacking the uexpecting. Scummy even wrote you a nice poem for you. You know that you should be proud that a Bloodwrath badger was able to use your battle-axe as a durable weapon. Kurda's weapons woundn't even be considered as a weapon suitable for a Bloodwrath Badger. If you had killed Kurda, what would you do. Would you go on attacking Redwall, or would you go and conquer Kurda's place._

"Awww," said Plugg.

"Bleah," said Kurda.

"Well if I had killed 'er royal highness, I probably would've gone on w' the attack on Redwall, but then agin, if I knew about th' snakes, then I would've hightailed it outta there, and went back to Riftgard and conquered it. But yeah, I did take a look at Scummy's poem. I was right touched, I was. And surprised that one of me crew actually did have an eddication - even if it was jus' a liddle. And also, yes, me axe was far more suitable for a badger than-"

"She said 'Bloodwrath Badger'," interrupted Kurda, "and Sagaxus vos not a Bloodwrath Badger, he vos only a youngbeast!"

"So? A badger's a badger, and _I_ could wield a weapon fit fer a-"

"No you couldn't! If you could, you never vould haff gotten it stuck in der tree like dat!"

"Oh shuttup."

"No you shut up."

"Not this again," groaned Kelaiah.

"No you shuttup!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

_"QUIEEEETTTTT! JUST GET ON WITH THE FANMAIL!"_

"Alright, alright, sheesh, what's his problem?" said Plugg and Kurda.

_To Kurda: You really are a coward, a big lily-livered one. You killed Slitfang when he was offering you the hand of peace, that proves it. He would have been a nice sucsessor of Plugg, but you went and chopped off his head and a paw. You even took over the poor leaderless Freebooters and made them act like bait for the snakes. I guess I should give you some credit for going after those snakes, but that was kind of stupid. By the way, who exactly was you mother? It never said anything about her in the book._

"I AM NOT A COWARD!"

"Denial, denial-"

_"SHUT UP!"_

"DON'T YOU START THAT AGAIN!" warned Kel.

After seething for a few moments, Kurda decided to ignore the first part of the fanmail and answered the question.

"I don't know who mine mother is, Brian Jacques never created her."

"HAH!" said Plugg. "That means yore one of those types who's so evil they neve 'ad a mother! Haha!"

Kurda stared at Plugg. "Neither do you."

The fox stopped laughing. ". . . oh yeah. . . . well anyway, that's three fer me-"

"And t'ree for me."

"Our next fanmail is from mosshadow."

_Q for kurda, come here so ican help you with your accent! what! you don't want help!THEN DIE(RUNS HER OVER WITH PANZER TANK AND RUNS COLE OVER TOO!)  
plugg:losers !  
me(BLACK WOLF FORM):as for you, eat this donut which i did not posin.  
plugg: gulp, sure.(EATS AND DIES BECAUSE I LIED*BWA HA HA!*)_

Plugg, Kurda, and Cole all stared in shock at the fanmail. Kel snickered.

"Oh sure," snapped Plugg. "You weren't killed!"

"Eh, why don't we skip this one?" offered Kel. When nobeast voiced any objection, he said, "Our next fanmail is from Alizera Song."

_Cole: Happy Belated B-day! I'm really glad you're going to be a regular!_

"Thank you!" the genet said happily, turning to Kelaiah and grinning sickeningly at him. "See what happens when ya add color into black and white shows?" Meaning that thanks to the unique creature's attitude and personality (not to forget constant stream of great ideas), that the ferret was going to sooner or later going get a lot more viewers and fan mailers.

"This is NOT a black and white show!" shouted Kelaiah angrily.

Cole sarcastically responded, "Oh yeah? So who were you planning on letting on this show next? Slagar and Cluny? The two most used beasts on shows in Dark Forest history!?"

"NO," was Kelaiah's response. "Well if you must know . . . no, it's too soon. I can't tell you who's going to be next, otherwise the reviewers - well wait, I got it!"

The ferret simply leaned over and whispered the next duo's names into the genet's ear, also warning him not to say them out loud, lest any surprise should be ruined.

Cole acted surprised at what the ferret had whispered in his ear. "Oh, Kelaiah! I never knew you were so inventive with choosing your guests! That's one NOBEAST would expect to see next! No siree!" The genet suddenly turned his head and coughed multiple times, adding 'black' and 'white' in between coughs.

Kel ignored him, knowing that the reviewers would (most likely) enjoy the next duo.

_Kurda: I hold a great amount of respect for you, and I don't really mind your accent all that much. Anyways, if you had beaten Triss and made your way back to Riftgaurd what exactly would you have done next?_

"Gutt!" said Kurda with a smile. "Somebeast who doesn't make fun of mine accent AND finally gives me der respect I deserve!"

Plugg snorted. (My, a lot of beasts are snorting in this chapter, aren't they?)

"Anyway, to answer your questions, I vould haff taken der squirrel back to Riftgard as a slave und make an example of her in front of der other slaves, und vould haff slain mine father - that is, if he vouldn't bow down t'me as der new queen. Und den I vould haff set myself up as queen and ruled over all of Riftgard! Ahh, tis such a shame dat never happened."

"Sure is," said Plugg saracastically. Kurda ignored him.

_Plugg: I also hold a respect for you as well Plugg, you're one of a few "vermin" leaders to have an extremely loyal crew behind you. One question, had the snakes not killed you and you had to fight Kurda, (since you axe was stuck in a tree) what weapon would you use?_

"Er, well," the Freebooter scratched the back of his head. "I've grown so accustomed to me axe, I'm not really sure wot other weapon I'd use. I suppose I'd call fer Slitfang t' throw me 'is cutlass and . . . hey, why didn't I think o' that before?"

"Because you are an idiot," Kurda stated plainly.

"Shut up."

_As for the "contest" battle umm, I can't really pick between them, so I'll say that it would more than likely end in a draw._

"A draw?" frowned Kurda. "Vhy draw? No draw! Its either von or de oth- no, its no other! Its ME! I vould vin! I'M der best swordbeast-!"

"No yer not!"

"Yarr I am!"

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too!"

"Let's get on with our next fanmail, shall we?" interrupted Kel. "Here it is, from The Crazili Obsessed."

_Heheheh... I like Cole. XD_

The genet, once again, grinned at Kelaiah. Who snorted.

_Anywayz._

_Kurda: Seriously, how come you didn't off your brother back on Riftgard? You're crafty, you would have gotten away with it._

"I could haff," the princess said ruefully, "but mine brother is pretty crafty too. He alvays surroundink himself vit Ratgaurds an' der like. Hmph."

_Plugg: Um... I can't think of anything... hm... preferred method of torture?_

"I think that's pretty obvious in th' book," the Freebooter grinned. "Kickin' beasts in the rump!"

He laughed, and so, surprisingly, did Kurda.

_And... Kurda would win. Yup._

"YES!" screeched Kurda, shooting her fist into the air. "I got another voooote! I got another voooote!"

Plugg glowered. "That wasn't the last vote, though, princess! Still a good chance I'm gonna win!"

Before Kurda could say anything, Kel cut in.

"Oh yeah, there's more to Crazili Obsessed fanmail. Here it is."

_Oo! Another question for the both of you-_

_If you were to replace any other villian in that series, which one would it be?_

_*is pummeled*_

_I meant Redwall, not That Series-_

_*is pummeled again*_

_I'll just stop talking now, kappesh?_

"Yarr, dat right!" growled Kurda, whose previous good mood had quickly faded away. "You shtop talkink, and shtop talkink fast!"

"But Kurda, he wasn't-"

"HEY!" SHOUTED PLUGG. "THE LADY SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT T' TALK ABOUT IT, SO SHE DOESN'T WANT T' TALK ABOUT IT!"

"Okay, okay, sheesh, but could you at least answer the question?"

"Fine, fine. . . ."

"I dink I replace Tsarmina in _Mossflower,"_ said Kurda. "I vould show dem vot a real queen is like! Yarr!"

Cole was now seriously thinking of Calling Miracle Worker's Dark Forest Clinic to make an appointment just in case Tsarmina ever did get her claws into Kurda after the show. . . .

"Haha," Plugg said scornfully to Kurda. "As fer me, no, I wouldn't be any other villian . . . well maybe . . . nah, I think I'd rather be meself!"

"Too bad," said Kurda.

"Shut up!"

"ANYway. . . . next fanmail is from Blissey."

_Plugg would've won all the way._

"YES!" shouted Plugg, pumping his fist into the air. "That's four fer me-"

"But I've also got four!" interrupted Kurda. "You still haven't beaten me yet!"

_Plugg: I have to admit, you're one of the bravest characters in the Redwall series. Your death was the saddest part of any Redwall book for me, and you're my favorite vermin. I'm a big fan of yours. You would've beaten Kurda if it wasn't for the snakes. *hands Plugg Firetail a pizza* Long live Plugg Firetail, the bravest vermin who ever lived!_

"An' long live Blissey, a very smart animal! Er, human, or, whatever 'e is!" said Plugg as he happily lifted a cheesey slice of pizza and started eating rather sloppily. "Mm-MM! Grog-battered fish pizza! Me favorite!"

Kurda wrinkled her nose at the spectable, and her scowl only deepened when the rest of Blissey's fanmail was read:

_Kurda: You on the other hand, are a coward. You ran from Triss, who happens to be my favorite Redwall character, like the coward you are. It isn't too surprising though, seeing as you don't have an ounce of bravery in your whole body. *knocks Kurda out with a giant hammer*_

"Hahahahahahaahaaaarr!" laughed Plugg, bits of cheese, fish, and crumbs spraying out from his lips as he looked down at Kurda's prone form. "Hellgates, I sure like this Blissey character! Maybe I should 'ave 'im and icefox come and join me an' the crew fer a party sometime! Oh, and all the other fine beasts who voted fer me."

Cole smirked as he placed a paw over the handle end of his Super Sledge that he now kept by his chair. "I give one of those hammer-heads a taste of their own medicine and they leave me alone to whack other beasts." He smirked and patted the sledge. "This girl may be a bit on the heavy side, Kel, but I think this hammer will be by my side for a loooooooooooong time."

"Uh huh," was the only response the ferret could think of.

After Kurda had been awakened, given aspirin and water, and put back in her chair, this is what she had to say to Blissey:

"You haff bad taste in who you like!" the furious ferret shouted. "A Mary-Sue und a shtinky, dirty, shlobbery corsair vit cheese runnink down his chin!" she added, glaring across the table at Plugg, whose whiskers were sprinkled with cheese and crust bits.

Plugg also chose this time to give a grog-and-fishy-scented belch.

"You _SHEEEE?!"_

"Um, Kurda? Blissey's not a she," said Kel.

"Oh, SHUT UP! And anyway, Blissey, if I _am_ such a big coward, _vhy_ vos I so able and villing to meet Plugg head-on? If I vos a coward, I vould haff either sent mine ratgaurds after him, or I vould haff ran away! Und I only ran away from Triss because I vos unarmed! I vos being shmart!"

_"'Smart'?!_ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHARR!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"ANYWAY," roared Kelaiah. "Our next fanmail comes from Greenwoodswierdo."

_Heh heh. Well, Kelaiah, I have to say that that was another fun fic by you. I have to disagree with Oreramar though. You could get together with whoever you wished._

The ferret was quite surprised by this, but then became quite flattered. "Why thank you! Its about time somebeast said that!"

(Plugg and Kurda exchanged weirded out looks.)

_Kurda: Why in the world did you chase after the snakes? I know they had the stupid headband, but come on! They're adders!_

"De 'shtupid headband', as you call it," Kurda replied with dignity, "is de only t'ing that enables me to become a full-fledged Queen of Riftgard. Our law clearly states dat only a Pure Ferret in possession of der crown an' pawring can be der Ruler of Riftgard."

"I always wondered," said Kel. "Why didn't your dad just change the law? He could've done that, or he could've just not told anybeast, and told Riftun to keep his big mouth shut."

A strange look suddenly passed over Cole's face. He was wondering why nobeast during that life or afterward ever thought of that . . . not even HIMSELF!?

Kurda blinked. "You know shomet'ink . . . I actually agree vit you! Vhy didn't mine father change der law or just threaten Riftun? Dat vould haff kept der slaves escapink from Riftgard!"

"Welp, that didn't happen, dearie," said Plugg. "Now let's see wot they 'ave t'say t'me."

_Plugg: Why did you take your tail off? Comedic, I know._

The Freebooter blushed while Kurda rolled around the floor laughing.

Cole tried not to laugh, but it was too much. He burst out laughing himself. "What kinda of beast does that with a severed limb!?"

"For yer imformation," Plugg growled, "it was in the heat of th' moment-"

"Heat of der moment, HAH!"

"-and I got a liddle carried away-"

"Carried away, HAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

"Would yew shuttup?!"

"Plugg, darlink," the princess replied, sitting and smiling sweetly. "Do you really t'ink dat I'll e_ver_ shut up just because you told me to?"

The Freebooter could think of nothing to say, and so settled for growling.

"Anyway," said Kelaiah. "Let's see what else they wrote."

_Sorry Pluggers. Kurda would win paws down. Let's see her face Martin, see how she does, eh Kel?_

"YES!" screamed Kurda, dancing about. "I got another von! I got another von! I'm vinning! I'm vinning! I'm vinning I'm vinning I'm vinning!"

"No yer not!" snapped Plugg. "There's plenty more reviews-"

"Actually, there's not," interrupted Kel.

"Wot?"

"That was the last fanmail."

Plugg and Kurda looked up. "It wha. . . .?"

"That was the last fanmail," said Kelaiah.

"Den . . . den dat . . . dat means . . . I _VON!"_

Plugg gaped while the white-furred ferret princess danced about happily, waving her arms about, singing, "I von! I von! I von I von I von! IIIIIIIIIIIII VON!"

"NO!" shouted Plugg. "I can't 'ave lost! I can't 'ave! There must be more reviews-"

"Nope. Sorry, Plugg, but those were the only reviews we made time for."

"But . . . but. . . .!"

Suddenly Kurda was standing before Plugg, leering down at him. "Und now," she drawled. "I shall t'ink of a punishment for you. . . ."

"Oh, sorry, Kurda, that's been taken care of."

"Vot?"

"Y'see," said Kelaiah, grinning. "I was kinda hoping that you, Kurda, would win, because I thought of a very lovely punishment for Plugg, but couldn't think of anything for you, so . . . yeah. It all worked out."

"This was RIGGED!" shouted Plugg, standing up so that his chair fell over.

"Nuh uh," retorted the male ferret. "You ask all reviewers who voted for Kurda; they all voted of their own free will. And besides, you only lost by one vote, Plugg. Its not so bad."

_"Not so bad?! _Why I oughta-"

"As much as I'd like to hear you rant, Plugg," smiled Kel (who really _didn't_ want to hear the fox rant, but he figured the sarcasm in his voice would help the Freebooter realize that), "we have to take a break for the next chapter. Until next time!"

Cole, however, was determined to have the last line. "About damn time! My tail fell asleep in this stupid chair! And I REALLY want a piece of that cake!"


	10. The 2nd Punishment

A large curtain rose, revealing a dark, apparently empty stage.

Then two spotlights came on, revealing on each far side of the stage were Plugg and Kurda. Plugg was on the stage's left side, while Kurda was on the right.

Each creature was holding a long piece of parchment and a quill (Kurda was holding a gold-tipped one with an elegant red-and-purple feather, while Plugg had a bone-handled quill with a rather scraggly-looking feather that looked like it had been taken from a seagull). As the music began to play, each of them began to write a letter:

"Dearest darlin'est eddicated uncle," said Plugg, reading aloud what he wrote in a cheerful yet business-like way.

"Mine _not _so dear father," growled Kurda, her quill almost stabbing the parchment.

The two beasts then began to sing in unison:

_There's been some  
Confusion  
Over rooming  
Here at Keeeeelllll'zzzz_

Kurda shook her head stubbornly as she wrote the next part: "But of course, I von't give a hoot about Bladd!"

"But of course, I'll scheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme my way out of it," sang Plugg goofily, winking at the audience.

They resumed singing in unison - except they each sang a slight different verse:

Plugg sang, "For I know tha's how yew'd wan' me t' respond, yes!"

Kurda sang, "For I know that is _not _how you vould vant me to respond, yarr!"

They each glanced at other, scowled and snarled, and turned back to their letters.

_There's been some confusion,  
For you see,  
My roommate is. . . ._

Plugg looked at Kurda, furrowed his brow, his jaw hanging slightly open. The fox tilted his head, scratched his ear, wrinkled his nose, and then turned back to the audience, saying,

"A cringin', crawlin', lily-livered, spineless, gutless coward who defies all description wi' 'er cowardly-ess-ness!"

Kurda returned Plugg's stare, looked down her nose at him, turned back to the audience, and said,

"Shtinky."

Four sharp-sounded chords played.

Plugg and Kurda tossed their quills and parchments away.

Two low notes, and then some high notes later, the two sized each other up, their faces screwed up in disgust.

Plugg turned pleadingly to the audience. "Wot is this feelin', so sudden, an' new?"

Kurda also faced the audience, paws akimbo, occasionally glancing at the fox. "I felt der moment, I laid eyes on you."

"Me pulse is rushin'." Plugg placed his paws on his chest.

"Mine head iss reelink." Kurda put a paw to her forehead.

"Me face is flushin'." The fox slid both paws down his face.

The two then spread their arms out to the audience, as though seeking answers.

_What is this feeling?  
Fervent as a flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.  
Does it have a naaaaaaaaaaaaaame?_

Suddenly both fox and ferret became wide-eyed, as though they just came up with the answer all on their own.

_Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssss. . . ._

They each turned towards each other, crossed the stage, until they were barely an inch apart.

_LOATHING!_

Sharply, the two vermin turned their heads back to the audience, confirming their theory.

_Un-ah-dul-ter-ate-ed LOATHING!_

Just as sharply, they turned back to face one another.

"For your face," spat Kurda, gazing disgustedly at Plugg's unwashed, ungroomed face.

"Yarr voice," Plugg retorted, mimicking the Pure Ferret's accent.

"Your clothink!" the princess cast a scornful look on the Freebooter's grimy tailed coat of ruined green velvet.

Again they looked at the audience.

_Let's just say_

They jumped back from each other, as though fearful of getting some weird disease the other had.

_I LOATHE IT ALL!_

They turned their heads away, holding out their paws as if to ward off each other. (Plugg pretended to gag.)

_Every little trait,  
However small_

(On the word 'small', Kurda gestured at Plugg and tapped on her head, indicating what she thought of the corsair's intelligence.)

_Makes my very flesh  
Begin to crawl_

They both hunched over, as those their flesh really was crawling.

_With simple utter loathing!_

And with that, the two vermin leaders began to circle each other, each with their claws at the ready, both baring their teeth, as though ready for a fight (certain members of the audience suddenly had some rather distasteful memories resurface because of that).

_There's a strange exhilaration,  
In such total destestation!  
It's so pure,  
So strooooooooooooooooong!_

Plugg and Kurda suddenly stopped circling, facing the audience with Plugg on the right and Kurda on the left.

_Though I do admit,  
It came on fast.  
Still I do believe  
That it can last!_

The fox corsair and ferret princess once more turned to each other, backing away and pointing their claws at their hated one as they delivered this promise:

_And I will be loathing  
Loathing  
You my whooooooooooooooooolllleeee  
Liiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffeeeee  
LONG!_

Just then, the entire crew of the _Seascab _came hurrying out, acting as the chorus for this musical number. They huddled around Plugg, gazing up at him with adoring, loyal eyes, and crying out,

_Dear pore cap'n,  
Yew are jus' too good!_

Plugg smiled and waved his paw in an 'aw shucks' movement.

_How do ye stan' it?  
I don' think I could!_

The Freebooters then turned and glared at Kurda, who had suddenly taken up meditation to help her deal with her current predicament.

_She's a terror!  
She's a tartar!_

The vermin crew's attention then went back to Plugg, and all hate melted away from their eyes.

_We don' mean t'show a bias,  
But dear Cap'n,  
Yore a martyr!_

"Well," said Plugg pleasantly, silencing his beasts. The fox took a deep breath, and sang out with a surprisingly good voice,

_Theeeeessseee  
Thiiinnngggsss  
Arrreee  
Sent  
To  
Trrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy  
Uuusss!_

The Freebooter captain finished by flashing a charming grin of crooked teeth at the audience.

The Freebooter crew then went back to glaring at Kurda, who had finally left off of meditating and sneered at the filthy pirates.

_Poor dear Cap'n,  
Forced t' reside,  
Wi' somebeast so  
DISGUST-TI-CI-FIED!_

Some of the Freebooters stuck their tongues out at Kurda, who snarled and made a _very _scarey face at them, forcing them to retreat behind Plugg. Gathered around the beast they all considered a father, the verminous group then cried out,

_We jus' wan' t' tell yew,  
We're all on  
Yore siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddeee!!_

Plugg and Kurda began to walk across the stage, careful to avoid each other, the chorus of vermin walking after Plugg like fleas after honey, all of them singing away:

The crew: _We share yore loathin'! _(Plugg/Kurda: _What is this feeling? So sudden and new?_)

_Unadulterated loathin'!_ (_I felt the moment, I laid eyes on you!_)

_For 'er face, 'er voice, 'er clothin'! _(Kurda: _Mine pulse is rushink!_)

_Let's just say, _(Plugg: _Me 'ead is reelin'!_)

For a moment, all creatures froze. Then the Freebooters lifted up their paws and shouted,

_WE LOATHE IT ALL!_

Plugg and Kurda shook their heads at each other.

_Oh, what is this feeling?_

Kurda then gave yet another scornful sneer and headed off towards the back of the stage, disappearing from view behind the chorus, who took scant notice of her, and simply sang,

_Every little trait,  
However small,_

Plugg took center stage, dancing a bit to the music, singing his own part (while Kurda continued to sing somewhere from the back),

_Does it have a name?_

_Makes our very flesh  
Begin to crawl_

_Yeeessss_

Suddenly everybeast was singing the same line:

_AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!_

The chorus scattered as Princess Kurda came charging down the center, right up behind the unexpecting Plugg, and kicked him solidly in the rump.

The silver fox got a "THAT _DOES _IT!" look on his face, and the next thing anybeast knew, both fox and ferret were grappling each other on the floor - and miraculously able to continue singing their lines. (The chorus was at first shocked by this turn of events, but swiftly went on with it as this was what was supposed to happen.)

_LOATHING! (Loathing!)  
There's a strange exhilaration! (Loathing!)  
In such TOTAL detestation! (LOATHING!)  
It's so pure, so strrrroooooooonnnnnnggggggg!! (Oh, oooooooohhhh!!)_

Finally the crew decided that it was time to separate their captain from his rival, even though they did know he'd whack their heads together because of it.

They were right.

After kicking and smacking his crew around (with Kurda following suit), Plugg turned once again to the princess, who glared back hatefully, and aggressively advanced. The vermin surrounding them clutched at each other's arms, their eyes going back and forth between silver fox and white ferret.

_Though I do admit,  
It came on fast,  
Still I do believe that it  
Can LAST!_

To the crew's relief, both Plugg and Kurda began back away from each other, making fists at one another, pretending to vomit at the sight of them, rising on of their legs up in their direction (for Plugg's part), swinging their paws dismissively at them (for Kurda's part). Around them, the chorus repeated the word 'loathing' in soft, held-out chords, all of them looking anxiously back and forth between the two beasts.

_And I will be  
Loathing,  
For, forever  
Loathing,  
Truly, deeply  
Loathing you. . . ._

Plugg and Kurda, both stopping at the ends of the stage, pointed straight at each other; the crew pointed their own dirty claws at Kurda, singing the last line as well.

_Loathing yoooooooooooooooooouuuuuuu. . . ._

Plugg and Kurda threw down their pointing arms, glaring across the stage at each other.

_My whole life  
Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg!!_

On the last line, Plugg and Kurda moved forward swiftly. The chorus, fearful that they'd start fighting again, hurried forward - but there was no need for that, for the Freebooter and princess had settled for just joining themselves in a stare-down.

The chorus settled themselves for singing,

_Loathing!  
Unadulterated loathing!_

For awhile, only a few loud chords could be heard as the corsairs worriedly looked back and forth between their beloved captain and the hated princess.

Suddenly Plugg jerked his face forward into Kurda's, screaming, "BOO!!"

She didn't give him the reaction he wanted, however; she merely fanned the air in front of her, wrinkling her nose. "Ugh."

However, to save face, Plugg threw back his head and laughed - only to be punched in the stomach by Kurda.

The final last chord was played, and all beasts on the stage struck a pose, smiling out at the audience, even Plugg, though he was still a little bent over and looked half-winded (which he actually was).

* * *

As soon as the cheering died down, Plugg and Kurda blinked . . . and found themselves back in the fanmail-answering room, as though nothing had just happened. Except that Kel and Cole were sitting back at the table with them, Kel looking as though he had just finished some popcorn, and Cole burying his muzzle in some delicious-looking birthday cake.

"Wha . . . Kel?" said Plugg.

"Heh," was the male ferret's first reply. "Sorry, that was a surprise gift for all the reader's, Nonny's in particular, as she's the one who created _Redwall on Broadway. _By the way, I do NOT own that fic or have ever had any part in it, NOR do I own _Wicked_ or anything like it. That is all." He grinned.

Cole suddenly looked up from the cake he had been eating. "Okay, now that the 'song and dance' routine is done and over with, I'm going to fix things so Kurda will want to date Kel!"

"What?!" objected Kel and Kurda; was that crazy genet still on that trip?!

"Oh come on, Kurda! You DO wanna date him!" Cole shouted as he pushed Kel over to Kurda.

"I DON'T vant to date him!" Kurda screeched, pushing the male ferret back.

Cole pushed Kelaiah back over to her. "You DO wanna date him!"

Kurda pushed him back. "I DON'T vant to date him!"

"You DO wanna date him!"

"I DON'T vant to date him!"

"You DO wanna date him!"

"I DON'T vant to date him!"

Meanwhile, Plugg had been laughing his head off at the sight of the skinny male ferret being pushed back and forward between the Pure Ferret princess and genet-warlord. It was like some weird form of tennis.

Suddenly, Cole, right when he pushed Kel back over to Kurda, he suddenly jerked the male ferret back. "You don't wanna date him!"

Kurda grabs Kelaiah and jerked him back. "I do vant to date him!"

Cole pulled back. "You don't wanna date him!"

Kurda jerked back. "I do vant to date him!"

"You don't wanna date him!"

"I do vant to date him!"

"You don't wanna date him!"

Now it looked to Plugg some weird form of tugawar; and it certainly didn't help that Kel had the strange ability to stretch like Elastigirl (thanks to such authors as warrior4 and Oreramar and storiewriter).

Kurda then jerked Kel back forcefully. "I DO VANT TO DATE HIM COLE, NOW SHTOP IT!"

The Pure Ferret was about to insult the genet, when she just realized what had happened.

You could just hear the _'Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaaaaaah_ tune.'

"See?" Cole said cheerfully to Kelaiah. "Told you I'd fix it all up."

Kurda shoved the male ferret away, squealing and wiping her paws on her silken robes. Kelaiah teleported himself and Cole back to the Safe Room, so the genet wouldn't be able to try to put him in Kurda's arms again, and so that Kurda wouldn't be able to hit either of them.

"Ahem, anyway," said a blushing Kel, glaring at a giggling Cole. "We have some late fanmail-"

"I dought you veren't goink to accept dat stuff!" objected Kurda.

"Shut up, princess!" snapped Plugg, who was eager for some more votes so either they would tie or he would win.

"I wasn't," explained Kel, "but the reviewer was hindered by technical difficulties and didn't realize it until it was too late. Hence why I'm accepting it."

"Well who's it from?" Plugg eagerly asked.

"This next one is from icefox425."

_I must correct you in the statement that Sagax is not a Bloodwrath badger, it says here on page 360 at the Brockhall Battle that "Sagax's eyes shone red in the gloom- he was possesed of the dreaded Bloodwrath, inherent to great Badger Lords of Salamandastron." There you go, I proved you guys wrong._

Kurda shrugged. "Yarr, mine mistake."

"And yer th' one wi' th' book there!" Plugg snorted.

The Pure Ferret stuck her tongue out at him.

_I must say this now, Kurda is a snooty-nosed, lily-livered, cringin', crawlin', gutless, spineless coward! Now she has been called that twice (see page 320 in Triss). But, I guess if I had to choose my favorite villianess, I would choose her. I mostly hate her because she hates Plugg so much. I am a Fangirl of him, after all. If they decided to become friends, I guess I would be quick friends with her. Maybe if she got to have a real fight with some random hero and win, she would seem less cowardly to me. But now, she is a coward in my eyes._

Kurda was surprised by icefox's statement, but she merely crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. "Yarr, me become friends vit Plugg?"

The Freebooter nodded in agreement. "Aye, I 'ear yah there!"

"But I do vonder who I could fight to show dat I am not a coward?" the Pure Ferret wonderd.

Plugg shrugged. "How 'bout tha' one pretty talkin' rabbit? Tis a shame I never got t-"

Just then, Scarum came bounding in, about to say something, when-

_SMACK!_

He went flying back out of the room, having been slapped really hard by Kurda.

Plugg arched his eyebrows at the ferret princess as she sat back down with a satisfied smirk on her face.

"Er, yes, anyway. . . ." said Kel. "Next fanmail is from Much Ado About Nonny."

_I heartily disagree with the assertion that Triss is a Mary Sue. Sorry, Kurda, but really, it's not true._

"YARR IT IS TRUE!" SCREECHED KURDA.

"SHUT UP!" SHOUTED TRISS FROM OUTSIDE THE ROOM, HAVING RETURNED FROM WHEREVER KEL HAD SENT HER. "I WANNA HEAR THIS!"

_The fact is, Triss had to watch Kurda practice with her sword duels every day, so she at least learned what good fighting technique *looked* like. Maybe, one day, Kurda decided she wanted a little more competition than defenseless turnips and herrings, so she threw Triss a sword. Kurda would have defeated the squirrelmaid, but Drufo would have watched as well...and, when nobeast was listening, he could have given her little tidbits of advice, like "you weren't holding it right" or "keep your left footpaw back a bit more." Triss might have found a little time to practice by stealing the princess's swords when nobeast is looking, and the rest is history._

"Well, is that true?" Plugg demanded. "Did yew throw 'er a sword?"

"I don't know," Kurda stated with dignity. "Brian Jacques never wrote about dat."

_Plus that, whoever bears Martin's sword always picks things up a bit faster. Look at Matthias! He had even less opportunity for sword practice than Triss! My theory is that Martin's spirit is guiding these creatures through the movements at first, until they get the hang of it. Has anybody seen Angels in the Outfield? That concept, right there. Triss isn't getting any special treatment at all...it happens to all of Redwall's Warriors when they are inexperienced, like Samkim, Dandin *sigh*, and Matthias._

_So, in conclusion, Triss is *not* a Mary Sue. I mean, come on...she didn't even get to kill her enemy! What kind of Mary Sue is that? And yes, I like both Triss and Kurda, even though (or perhaps because) they don't like each other._

"There," said Kel. "I just wanted to make sure that was said in here."

(Kurda snorted; Triss beamed - and was promptly teleported away again, only to a much nicer place with all her best friends, including Scarum, who was sporting a swollen cheek from Kurda' slap.)

Cole's ears perked up about what the late mailer was saying. He disagreed on Triss learning about swordplay just by _watching_. No. Swordplay was not completely learned just by watching. Though he did find himself wondering about the so-called mighty Martin The Warrior's sword. "Interesting. So you claim that Martin's sword may allow anybeast, even ones as incompetent as Triss to effectively wield a sword as if she were a true swordsbeast? Strange . . . though not ridiculous. There are plenty of 'magic' swords in the world I and every other beast used to live in. . . ."

Kel shook his head. "No, no, Martin's sword isn't magic... or _is_ it? I don't think Brian Jacques ever explained it clearly enough . . . though you're right, whoever is Martin's Chosen One seems to automatically know how to weild a sword - ALTHOUGH, to argue Matthias's case:

"He was already strong, quick, and agile, it stated that pretty much near the beginning of the book; he was only clumsy because his sandals were too big. But he accomplished many feats that showed him capable of swordfighting, and he was a natural at fighting with a staff, so I guess that's why people find it easier to see him as a swordfighter than Triss, who always seemed so much more nuturing than the typical warriormaid. I never really saw much fire or rage or sparky wit from Triss, not like with Mariel, Grath, Cregga, or Dotti. It always seemed like it was Shogg who was the tough leader of the group, and not Triss.

"Also, as for Samkim, he was a bowbeast, and you need a lot of upper-body strength to do that, and he actually did practice with the sword (somewhat) on his journey before reaching Salamandastron.

"And Dandin, well, he was already sturdily built and it seemed like he was always looking for something to fight with (but I'm just guessing).

"Hm, with that in mind, maybe Triss _did_ take some of Kurda's swords to practice with."

"Yarr, but vould I allow a slave to steal mine swords like dat?!" demanded Kurda.

"You allowed 'er t' steal food supplies an' wot they needed fer a boat," Plugg pointed out.

"Shut up!" snapped Kurda.

"ANYway," said Kel. "There's a bit more to Nonny's email."

_Sorry I didn't technically vote for the fighting contest...though you're right, I would have voted for Kurda. Plugg having more experience with moving targets? What creature moves faster than a falling turnip, I ask you? Not many._

"Yarr, dat's right!" Kurda shouted, her previous indignation with Nonny evaporating.

Plugg was about to spit at her, but Kel interrupted.

"Now, now, none of that now! Alright, here's the last fanmail, which is from Adder of the Pit, who, due to unfortunate circumstances, was unable to email untill now, which is why I decided to make time for all this new stuff.

"And I might as well come out and say that she voted for you, Plugg."

"YES!" the Freebooter screamed. "WE TIED! WE TIED!" The fox turned on Kurda, who was fuming. "HAH! That means tha' now _you_ have to be punished too!"

"Actually, no."

Plugg stopped, and both he and Kurda stared at the intercom's direction. "Wot?"

"Just because it was late, her vote, sadly, will not count."

"WOT?!" screeched Plugg.

"Wow," Cole muttered to himself, grinning. "And I thought _I_ liked shooting down birds..." Meaning the genet liked knocking other creatures down in their moment of happiness.

Kurda doubled up in triumphant (and relieved) laughter.

"But, but, WHY NOT?!"

"Because I said that I wouldn't accept late fanmail, but seeing is as how I am, I decided to partly follow my own rule by not having Adder's vote count."

"But . . . but-! THAT'S NOT FAIR! WOT'S THE DEAL, KEL?!"

"Well I _am _trying to get on Kurda's good side," the male ferret explained softly.

Kurda smiled at the intercom. "Vell, in dat case, maybe I vill reconsider Cole's suggestion."

Kel blushed and grinned. So did Cole (minus the blush; he said he'd fix things up between those two!).

Plugg also turned red, but with rage - and he also turned a little green around the edges.

"But anyway," said Kelaiah, "let's get on with the fanmail Adder gave us, eh? And don't pout, Plugg. You'll enjoy reading it."

After looking over the questions on their computer screens, the Freebooter lifted his head.

"Why is she imatatin' our accents?" Plugg wanted to know.

"I dunno," was all Kel would say.

_Kurda: Vot vould you haff done if you had captured dem shlaves, eh? Shlayed them? Nein, nein, you vould haff tortured dem long mitt your sabre und fed vot vas left to der fishes, vouldn't you?_

"Dat iss right," the Pure Ferret princess replied (not sure if she should be insulted by Adder's immatation of her accent, but then figured that since she was also doing Plugg's, she shouldn't be). "Only I vould haff kept der squirrel alive to make an example of before der other shlaves! Yarr!"

_Also, you do realize dat you are der shpawn of Hitler, yarr? Because you are. (By de way, dat is not a compliment. Go und jump off a bridge, will you?)_

"I AM NOT DER SHPAWN OF HITLER, YOU BIG FAT RAT!" KURDA SCREECHED, STANDING UP AND WAVING HER ARMS ABOUT.

Plugg cackled, clapping his paws and stamping his seabooted feet.

"YOU SHTUPID, SHTUPID, GREASY FOOL OF A-"

"Now, Kurda," Kel warned. "You better watch out, or she'll force you to appear on her show _The Insanities_ all just to have a bad time."

That made the Pure Ferret close her mouth with a snap.

Cole grinned at the albino ferret. "Oh come on, Kurda. You bossed rats around all the time and you're gonna let a rat who's probably lived the life of a woodlander or highwaybeast get to you?"

Kurda's pink eyes lit up - but before she could say anything, Kel interrupted:

"Cole, Kenzie might add you to her show as well."

Just then one of Cole's hordebeasts (who now served the genet and Kel as a staff member) popped his head into The Safe Room and laughed, saying "He's already living hell for _you _to have on this show! Do you really imagine any other beast stupid enough to add _him_ to their own shows?!"

"Well. . . ." was the only response Kel could come up with, as he was interrupted by Cole, who shouted at the ex-hordebeast, "YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Fine!" the brazen creature snapped, exiting The Safe Room and slamming the door behind him. But even through a closed door his angry mutterings could be heard.

After a few moments of slightly tense silence, a giggling Plugg turned to Kurda and said, "Well? Why aren't yew jumpin' off a bridge, missy?"

_"SHUT UP! _OOOOHHH, I HOPE KEL'S PUNISHMENT IS PLENTY GOOD, YOU SHTUPID, SHTINKY, SHLIMEY, SHLOBBERY SHAILER-FOX!"

Plugg was very taken aback by the princess's insults, but eventually found them rather amusing. "Welp, 'ow 'bout we sees wot she's got fer me, eh?"

_Plugg: Wot 'air care products would yew recommend fer a nice liddle shine like on yore tail, Cap'n? I wuz thinkin' L'Oreal, 'cos yer worth it. (Is totally NOT flirting, especially when the book describes him as ugly right out)_

"Hey! I resent bein' called ugly!"

"But der book _said_ you were-"

"Where?!" the insulted fox demanded.

Once again Kurda whipped out her paperback version of _Triss, _smirking. "Page two-hundred und eighty-five, paragraph seven: 'The Freebooter's ugly face squinched up in horror.'"

_"Wot?! _Lemme see that!" He snatched the book away, his eyes scanning the pages. After reading it, however, he tossed it back with a snort.

"Of course it could mean that you were only 'ugly' because you were unscrubbed," suggested Kelaiah.

Cole started snickering uncontrollably.

"But anyway," said Kel, ignoring him. "Plugg? Would you mind answering Adder's question?"

"Sure, sure," the fox grumbled. "Well, miz Adder, the fact is, I don' use . . . _L'Oreal _or wotever yew's calls it. I uses soapwort an' almond oil. Best shampoo there is! Gave me tail a nice, lustrous glow!"

"And then you had one of your followers follow you around with a lantern to set your tail off," recalled Kel. "Wouldn't that be a fire hazard, though?"

"Well clearly it wasn't," snapped Plugg. "Otherwise I'd 'ave burnt me tail off already!"

Kurda laughed.

"Shut up!"

"Vell, anyway," said Kurda, mimicking Kel's trademark interruption without realizing it, "Vhen is Plugg goink to be punished, eh? You said in dis chapter he vos-"

"He is," assured Kel. "And by the way, I'd like to say thank you to Adder for setting up the mood for our dear Plugg's punishment."

* * *

Meanwhile, in a random woodland cottage, a sleep-over involving five vermin-dibbuns (consisting of two weasels, two stoats, and one ferret) was taking place. They were all in the bedroom, standing in front of the large mirror that was installed there on top a dresser.

An impatient stoat-dibbun tapped his foot and shook his head. "Dis is stoopid! You c'n _not_ summon th' ghost of anybeast jus' by sayin' their names or titles three times!"

A bigger weasel-dibbun smacked the stoat in the back of his head. "Shuttup! Wot d'you even know? _You_ never did it, yew loser!"

The stoat yelled back angrily, "I AM NOT A-"

A weasel dibbun-maid interrupted them. "Will you both stuff it!? He's about t'do it!"

The beast doing it was the lone ferret, who was only a little older then the others. He stood in front of the mirror, ready to do the ritual which was believed to be a myth. He paused. . . . Only to turn to the others and say, "Who th' hell should I call for?"

The female weasel whispered loudly, "Cluny!"

The male weasel whispered his own answer even louder: "No! Ferahgo!"

A stoatmaid hissed, "No no no! Yew wanna summon Verdauga Greeneyes!"

"Shut up!" the male weasel snarled.

"_Yew_ shut up!" the stoatmaid yelled.

"Alright, alright, enough!" the ferret cried out. When everybeast calmed down, the ferret continued. "Salter, wot name should I say?"

Unfortunately, Salter was the male stoat who didn't believe it would work. He shook his head and snorted. "It's stoopid! It'll never work!"The ferret spoke in a whining tone. "Please, buddy? If anybeast knows warlords well, it's you."

The stoat stood quietly a few moments before finally (after listening to the whines and moans of his friends) giving in. "Summon Cole of the Shadows."

The ferret blinked, slightly confused. "Who's he?"

Salter shrugged slightly. "Nothing much is known 'bout him. Hellgates, even his attack on Mossflower is hard t'explain from start t'finish, cuz his forces were said to 'ave come out of th' blue. Though I did hear a rumor about wot 'e looked like when 'e was finally killed. Looked like the result of a cat, some ringtailed creature, and a ferret. In short, he looked like a freak, like those wearet creatures. Now THAT would be something to see. That is IF you ever summon something like him, which I doubt you will, cuz this entire thing is STUPID!"

This resulted in masses of moaning and complaining about Salter. The ferret quieted them and finally stood in front of the mirror. "Ok. . . . Lets do this. . . . Cole of the Shadows . . . Cole of the Shadows. . . ."

Salter groaned and sighed. "COME ON! Just GET ON with it!"

"Alright, alright!" the ferret said. He stood there, staring at the mirror, wondering if he should really do this, and what be the consequences would be if he did.

Finally, he said the title a third time. "Cole of the Shadows!"

* * *

Cole started laughing evilly when he thought he was about to witness Plugg's punishment . . . but suddenly, his voice faded out and disappeared.

On the intercom, Kel's voice could be heard, "Cole? _Cole?_ HEY! Where'd he go?!"

"Eh?" said both Pure Ferret and Freebooter, not being able to see into The Safe Room. "What's going on?"

"It's Cole," explained Kel. "He just . . . disappeared! Right before my eyes!"

* * *

Back at the cottage, all the vermin dibbuns suddenly heard what was unmistakably laughter.

It was Cole himself, popping out of nowhere, without a single piece of evidence that he was there before they heard that laugh. The genet was still laughing about what was to be Plugg's punishment when he had suddenly disappeared from Kelaiah's show, and appeared back into the living world . . . in some ferret-child's bedroom.

Most of the runts were now wide-eyed with shock. Salter and the ferret were the most shocked of all; their jaws were literally hanging open. All of the dibbuns stood silently as the genet finally finished his evil cackle.

And when the genet finally stopped laughing, he suddenly noticed he was not in Kel's Safe Room anymore. Fate (as he liked to call it) had once again brought something bad for him! He was stuck in some brat's room again!

Oh yes. This was NOT the first time anybeast had done this to him. It happened every month! It happened to other deadbeasts too, but unfortunately, it happened the most to Cole. It was probably due to being so mysterious and unique when he was still alive.

Currently the genet was not too happy. He now had his arms crossed and was looking down at the vermin brats with a cheesed look on his face, breathing very heavily with rage and irritation.

Now naturally, every one of these vermin dibbuns had been in some sort of trouble before, so they knew exactly what to do next:

They all screamed (except for the ferret; and it might be noted that Salter was loudest of them all) and were soon running each other over to get out of the house and away from the (apparently ghost) genet.

* * *

"Wot d'you mean 'e just disappeared?" Plugg demanded, still stalling for time.

"Never mind," said Kel. "We've stalled long enough on Plugg's punishment, so let's get to it!"

And with that, before another word could be said, Plugg's chair went sliding across the room, carrying the fox corsair with it.

"ARRG! Hey! Wot's goin'-?!"

The fox's outcry was cut off as the chair jerked forward, throwing Plugg off of it and onto the floor with a bang. A screen suddenly appeared in front of the fallen fox, blocking Kurda's view of him.

"AARRRGGGG! Hey! Leggo! Wot're y- NO!"

Kurda, watching the whole thing wide-eyed, saw the Freebooter's coat, boots, and other clothes come flying out from behind the screen and get sucked into a laundry shoot.

"AAAUUUUGGGGHHHH-!" _SPLASH!_

The screen moved away, revealing a large wooden tub overflowing with soap suds, a great deal of which were covering Plugg, making him look like a snow-covered mountain with two eyes sticking out.

Suddenly, several little scrub brushes and soapwort bars and wash rags began flying around the fox, mercilessly scrubbing every bit of dirt, scum, grease, or what have you out of his pelt.

AAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! _NO!_ NOT A _BATH!_ ANYTHIN' BUT A BATH! _NOOOOOOO!!_"

Kurda, in the meanwhile, began do an impression of what Plugg had done when Adder called her the spawn of Hitler: cackling wildly, clapping her paws and stamping her footpaws.

Plugg tried several times to climb out of the tub, but some unseen force seemed to hold him inside, dunking his head under the water every time he tried to escape - or whenever he needed to get the suds washed off.

At one point, Kurda saw Plugg's sopping muzzle spout out a stream of water like a fountain; oh, she wished she had a camera - and immediately, she did! And luckily, Plugg's muzzle came out again and shot out some more water in a fountain-like fashion, which she managed to get a shot of.

"T'ank you, Kel!" the Pure Ferret said to the intercom, fluttering her eyelashes at it (making Kel grin and blush).

* * *

"You know?" Cole said in a manner that wasn't a question. "I am getting so SICK of having to go through this every month! Sometimes you little brats do it at all times, when I'm asleep, at meetings, working at my job, even when I'm doing nothing at all! Vulpuz of a Gates! Don't ANY of you _children,"_ he added, saying the last word in disgust and mockery, "have anything better to do than doing this STUPID ritual over and over and OVER AGAIN!?"

"Uhhhhhh....." said the ferret that Cole had managed to corner. He tried to think of a reply to give to the weird-looking (and dangerous-looking) creature before him without shaking so hard.

"Nevermind," the genet said impatiently. He pointed a sharp claw at the trembling dibbun. "You! Are gonna send me back."

"How am I gonna do that!?" the ferret squeaked.

"If you knew how to bring me here then you know damn well how to send me back, you little brat!"

"But-"

"NOW!!"

"Fine. . . ." The ferret-dibbun sighed hopelessly and turned back towards the mirror. After a moment or two, however, he turned to Cole and asked, "What am I supposed to do?"

"DEAR GATES!" the genet yelled, smacking his paw on his forehead. "In order to send a summoned spirit back to whence it came," he explained through gritted teeth, "you must say the said spirit's title three times _backwards!"_

"Oh. Okay!" the little ferret said cheerfully and went back to the mirror. ". . . Um. . . . How do you say 'shadows' backwards?"

"YOU DO THIS STUPID RITUAL TO SUMMON ME AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS SAY SHADOWS BACKWARDS!? OH MY GATES!!!"

* * *

After awhile it wasn't just scrub brushes attacking Plugg; a flexible-looking toothbrush with a sizable tube of toothpaste came out of nowhere, and began scrubbing at the fox's teeth, muffling his protesting cries of agony. Also, a box filled with floss appeared and joined the toothbrush in the battle against Plugg's mouth.

Several times a faucet would come out of the wall and fill up the tub with fresh water while the gritty old water would drain out; and every time this happened, the invisible force holding Plugg captive would force him under the faucet and scrub even more suds all over him.

_Ugh, Mariel's right! _thought Plugg. _This _is _worse'n gettin' drowned at sea!_

Just then several large bottles appeared above the fox, and emptied their contents all over him. Plugg was surprised to find that it was almond oil, but he had little time to ponder this as more and more and still more suds covered him, the brushes, soapwort bars, and cloths rubbing all dirt and grime vigorously from his body.

Finally, the screen from earlier appeared in front of the tub, which disappeared as soon as Plugg was hidden from Kurda's view. A large towel suddenly wound itself around the fox, almost causing him to pass out from lack of air. Afterwards it began roughly drying him, while some more brushes came out, only these ones were for combing fur.

"Ah! Ooh! Eee! Augh! Ooo! AH! Get offa me! Get offa me!"

Just then Plugg's clothes, which had also been washed and mended, came back out of the laundry shoot and landed themselves right on their owner's newly cleansed form.

"Presentinnngggg," said Kel over the intercom, "the new and improved Plugg Firetail!"

The screen moved to the side.

_"Improved?!"_ the fox shouted indignantly - but then, after getting a look at himself. . . .

As for Kurda, she was . . . well, _stunned._

Before, Plugg's fur had been filthy, greasy, wild, unkempt, and there had been a rather odious scent about him. And his coat, it had only been a moldy piece of ruined green velvet, hardly anything to be proud of (in Kurda's opinion). But now. . . .

The fox's fur was now soft, smooth, shiny, fluffed out in all the right places, and a beautiful silvery color. Gone was the odious stench, and as for his coat, it had been repaired into a fine article of emerald-colored clothing, fitted to his strong build perfectly. Even his tail seemed glossier now, the same goldy-red as a sunset; it was, like Grubbage had put it, as 'pretty as a summer morn covered wid roses'.

In short, Plugg Firetail had gone from a 'shtinky, dirty corsair' to a handsome, suave, buccaneering beast!

And Kurda suddenly found herself quite willing to forgive (most) of his past shortcomings.

"Vhy Plugg," the princess purred. "You look vonderful. . . ."

Immediately the Freebooter captain knew what she was about, and quickly backed away, his eyes widening with horror.

"Now now now, Kurda, _Kurda!_ Stay away from me, this is _me, Plugg, _remember? Yore ole uncle Plugg? The one you _hate?"_

"I forgive you," the Pure Ferret drawled, coming towards him.

"NO! No, yew can't _forgive _me! NO! No, keep away from me! Kel! KEL! Cole! 'Elp me! 'ELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The fox threw himself agains the nearest wall, trying to climb up it-

-only his ankles were then seized in a vice-like grip and pulled sharply out from under him.

_"Oof!"_

"Come on, hunk. You're MINE," grinned Kurda, dragging the Freebooter out of the archway that just appeared.

_"NO! _Nooooooo! Nononononononononon nooo! NOOOOOOOOOO! AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!"

Plugg's claws left long markings in the floor as he was dragged down the hallway, his pitiful screams receding into nothing, much like how he had been carried off by the three serpents.

* * *

Finally, a certain genet popped right back into the Safe Room. "Whew! Sorry there, guys! Got sucked into another brat's room again! Sorry it took me so long, mates, it took that ferret-brat a real long time to say 'shadows' backwards!"

Just then the genet took a look a the screen, realizing that the fanmail-answering-room was empty! "Ahhh, hellgates! You mean you went on with the punishment without me?! Kelly, how could-"

Cole stopped, finally taking a look at the ferret.

Kel's face had a look of rage, indignation and . . . _jealousy_.

"Kel?"

"HE _STOLE_ MY _DATE!"_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: **Welp, that's just about it, people. Hope you all enjoyed it. :) Oh yeah, I said I'd reveal the next duo in this chapter, didn't I?

Well, this is the next duo: Veil and Sunflash. :) Hope you all like. :)

God bless!

~Kel :)

P.S. Give credit to Much Ado About Nonny for inspiring me to do the "Loathing" performance; if it wasn't for her, I probably never would've found out about the songs from _Wicked_. :D Thanks, mate! :D


	11. 4th Intro

It was a warm, tropical beach, beautiful and pristine. The only sounds that could be heard was the wind blowing along the sea and rustling the trees.

Upon the sand was a long beach chair, which held the sleeping form of a long, slim ferret, who was not moving an inch as the sun warmed his bellyfur.

All was calm... peaceful... quiet...

Until a strange meteor-like spaceship came hurtling from the sky to land in an explosive _WHAM_ a mere ten feet away from the ferret.

"AUGH!" Kelaiah screeched, startled out of a very nice dream as he jumped out of his chair and landed painfully on the sand.

The ferret turned and stared over his lopsided sunglasses as the weird-looking spaceship opened up. A very thick smoke billowed forth as a figure dressed in a ninja costume stepped onto the beach.

Kelaiah blinked. _Okaaaay..._

The ninja's eyes fell on the ferret before him, and muttered two words: "Next chapter."

Kel blinked again.

"Next chapter," the ninja repeated.

Kel blinked yet again.

"Next chapter next chapter next chapter next chapter next chapter next chapter next chapter-"

**"NO!"**

The ninja fell silent as though it had been slapped. It stared as the ferret went into a rage, ripping his sunglasses off.

"WILL YOU HAVE A LITTLE PATIENCE?! THESE THINGS ARE HARD TO COME UP WITH! I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH UNTIL INSPIRATION HITS ME-"

Ker-_WHAM!_

Kel fell to the ground in a fetal position, eyes popping.

"Cole of the Shadows," the ninja growled. "Where's Cole of the Shadows?"

The only thing the ferret could move was his tail, which pointed back up the beach at another beach chair that was twenty feet away from Kel's. In it was a snoozing genet who hadn't been perturbed by all the noise, also wearing sunglasses.

Arching its eyebrows, the ninja nevertheless walked over to the sleeping Cole, pulled back its foot, and sent a solid kick into the chair that knocked the startled genet over.

"Hey! What's the big ide-"

Ker-_WHAM!_

* * *

It was the Fanmail Answering Room.

Seated in it were Veil Sixclaw and Sunflash the Mace. Unlike with the other duos, neither Kel nor Cole had been there to welcome them (though they were glad Cole hadn't been there because they both knew he didn't like them).

They didn't have to wait long, however, before the ferret and genet came stumbling into the room, both looking like they were having a very hard time walking as a ninja stood behind them with a bazooka.

As soon as Kel and Cole were in their seats, the ninja nodded its head, turned on its heel, and left so the next chapter could finally start.

It didn't technically start right away, though.

Both Kel and Cole were sitting very carefully in their seats, breathing slowly and deeply. Veil and Sunflash stared at them for awhile, not quite understanding their... discomfort.

Sunflash finally turned to Veil. "So. How're things goin'? I saw that 'Vile' fic of yours', it was pretty good."

"Thank you," the young ferret replied.

Silence.

"Um..."

More silence.

"So..."

Veil broke in. "I'm glad you liked my 'Vile' fic. I'm thinking about getting Kel to expand on it. Want to be in it?"

"Really? I'm flattered, I do like poetry and singing and such. What song would I get?"

"Popular."

"...what?"

"You'd sing 'Popular'. What else?"

"Well I don't know, something _cool_ how 'bout?!"

"But 'Popular' is the only song in 'Wicked' that suits you!"

"What?! No its not!"

"Yes it is, its being sung by a blonde to an unpopular person; you'd be the blonde and I'd be the unpopular person."

(Cole, despite his pain, snorted at this; the others ignored him.)

"So what? I'm not a ditzy female-!"

"You don't have to be female to sing that song - well, actually, maybe you do... there are a few verses in there that... well... well, maybe we could change the words around a bit..."

Sunflash blew out his nose; but then a slow grin spread across his face. "Heh heh, y'know, it _would_be fun to teach you how to toss your headfur. Here, why don't we do it right now?"

The badger got up, and, mimicking a typical "Glinda" voice, he said, "This is how you toss your hair." He then bent forward, letting his long golden headfur fall over his shoulders, before standing back up and giving a dainty flick at his yellow tresses with his paws. "Toss toss!"

Veil snickered, then he imitated Sunflash, bending forward dramatically and giving his headfur a "toss toss".

"Toss toss!" Sunflash directed, running his paws through his golden headfur.

"Toss toss!" Veil repeated, waving his arms about as he flipped his headfur.

"Toss toss!"

"Toss toss!"

"Toss toss no paws!" the badger suddenly said, shaking out his tresses.

"...toss toss no paws!" the young ferret said, shaking his paws while holding his arms awkwardly still.

"Toss toss no paws!" Sunflash repeated, giving another shake.

"Toss toss no paws!"

"Now shake it out! Shakeit!" the blonde badger grinned, wiggling his head so that his golden-yellow headfur rippled gracefully. "Shakeit! Shakeit!"

Veil wiggled his head about, looking like he was having a seizure. "Bbbwwwrrrrbb-bb-bb-bb!"

"Oh nononononononononono!" Sunflash cried, realizing what his pupil was doing. After getting the young ferret to stop, the big badger patted his head, saying, "Well you'll practice."

The two shared a good laugh.

"Er, yeah," interrupted Kel. "Seeing is how... er... well, seeing as how our... _conditions _are... and since our human alter-egos have a massive case of writer's block, why don't we cut this chapter short and all you reviewers out there help our human selves out by writing a whole bunch of fanmail? Thanks."

"Hey wait," interrupted Veil, "you didn't give them anything to vote on!"

"So?"

"So you should keep that tradition up! Its what helps makes this popular!"

Sunflash began to sing under his breath, "Popular... I know about popular..."

"I know!" said Veil, ignoring the badger. "Why don't you have them vote on who's storyline was better, mine or Sunflash's? And the one who loses has to... um... well, we'll save that for later like we always do, 'kay?"

Kel shrugged; he couldn't think of anything better. "Meh, sounds good to me. Cole?"

"Sure. Though I still say these two are bat-"

"NO SWEARING!"

"Alright, alright, sheesh, you're no fun. Hm, come to think of it, maybe we should call in Bryony to take charge of the brat..."

"Fine, fine, if it'll make you feel better..."

"I'm way ahead of you," the genet said, who had already been dialing on his phone. He waited for the answer.

_Riiiiiiiiing............riiiiiiiiing._

"Hello?"

"Bryony, you still deal with crazy vermin right? Even after you exploded on the Coast to Coast show?"

The mousemaid sighed. "Yes."

"Boy! Do I got a patient for you! You'll never GUESS who it is," Cole said with a big fangy grin.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry for it being so short, but like Ferret-Kel said, we're low on imagination right now. Besides, THIS FIC HAS BEEN UPDATED! So anyway, yeah, please fanmail as much as you can, people. Give us a lot to work with! :D And please remember to vote on who's plotline was better, Veil's or Sunflash's. :)

God bless!


	12. Veil and Sunflash

Laterose of Noonvale sat down before a camera as she read aloud a fanmail from Greenwoodswierdo:

_Ok, I must point out a few things. One: In 'Mariel of Redwall' it DIRECTLY states that Martin had no KNOWN descendents, therefore he could easily have had descendents and nobody know it, making stories like 'Stranger at the Abbey' possible.  
Two: Urran might have been a little upset at Martin for not protecting Rose well enuff. Other than that, I agree with everything else._

The pretty mousemaid set down the fanmail, and said, "Okay, now _I_ must point out a few things.

"One, in _Legend of Luke, _Martin made the prediction that he would never have any children:

_'I stand here in this world alone,  
'No kin of mine to take the sword,  
'No son or daughter of my own,  
'A bitter and a sad reward,  
'But Redwall in its hour of need,  
'Will bring forth one to follow me,  
'To that one, valiant in deed,  
'I leave a Warrior's legacy.'_

"So no, there is no chance he could've had any offspring.

"And two, yes, my father was upset at my death, but he didn't blame Martin for it, he blamed Badrang. My father and Martin are _friends,_ they get along just fine. And besides, the question was how I would've gone about convincing my father to let me marry Martin had I survived, but my answer was that I wouldn't have had to convinced him. Besides, it wasn't my father Martin made the promise to, it was my mother. But even she doesn't blame Martin, she's wise enough to know that sometimes things are meant to happen. She bears Martin no ill will.

"So anyway... yes, that is all. Thank you, and have a nice day."

* * *

"And we're back with another installment of Redwall Fanmail!" said a newly recovered Ferret-Kel. "Here we have with us Veil Sixclaw the Outcast and Lord Sunflash (or Sunstripe) the Mace. Say hello to the nice readers, fellas."

"'Nice' readers?" Veil repeated, raising his eyebrows. "Since when are readers nice? I mean to us?"

"Yeah," nodded Sunflash. "It always seems like at least one of them is off insulting us or pushing you to put us through horrendous trials and such."

"Say hi anyway, its good manners."

"But-"

"SAY HI!" Cole blurted out angrly. The genet was having a migraine from the break from these two. They had did nothing during the break but toss they're headfur and talked like two annoying gossipers. They were starting to get on his last nerves.

Veil and Sunflash grumbled, but said "Hi" nonetheless.

"Thank you, Cole," Kel smiled at his friend.

"Now then," smiled Kel, who was currently in the Monitor Room along with Cole, speaking into the mic. "Let us get on with the fanmail, shall we? Our first one is from MetallicTaste."

_Who was that ninja?_

"What kind of fanmail is that?!" cried Veil, indignant.

"Well, it is a legit question," said Kel. "To answer your question, MetallicTaste, the ninja was a sort of... oh, let's just say it was a half-crazed fan who REALLY wanted us to update.

Cole the genet piped up, "In short, it was a cruel, sick new idea by our creators to spice things up and add something new to the episodes for more views at the cost of our well-being."

"Nicely put, Cole.... Now let us proceed. The next fanmail is from MonkeeVeggieGirl."

_I'd have to say that I like Veil's plotline better. Sorry Sunflash._

"Hmph!" said Sunflash. Then he sighed. "Ah well. Apology accepted."

Veil wasn't too sure if it really was an apology, but wisely kept his mouth shut.

_Keep up the great work Kel and Cole._

"Why are you giving HIM the credit?!" demanded Kel. "MY human alter-ego is the one who's writing this!"

"If it wasn't for MY human alter-ego always nagging yours', this fic wouldn't have been updated!" shouted Cole.

"Oh yeah?!"

"YEAH!"

"OH YEAH?!"

"YEAH!"

"OH YEAH?!"

"YEAH!"

"NYEH!"

"NYEH!"

"AHEM," said Veil and Sunflash.

"Ahem," said Kel. "Anyway... next fanmail."

_Oreramar_

_Update!  
Thank you, mysterious ninja._

(Both Kel and Cole 'hmphed', remembering their injuries.)

_Sunflash: You seem to be pretty familiar with the play Wicked. Have you ever seen it, and if so, where and when?_

The sun-striped badger blinked at the question. "Miss Oreramar, you might as well ask how I am familar with _anything_ from your world. This is fanfiction, plus I am the figment of the author's imagination. I only know as much as he knows."

"A direct quote from 'Ratatouille'!" chirped Kel, smiling.

Cole lifted an ear and made a confused face. "Whats a rata- toonie?"

"Oh, its one of those Pixar movies," explained Kel. "Its about a rat who hides under the hat of a chef and controls said chef like a puppeteer by yanking on his hair so he can create delicious meals in a fancy French restaurant. Sounds cool, huh?" the ferret added with a laugh.

The genet looked at him like he was half crazy. ".....Oooooooookay. Yeah. This is the last time Veil is ever gonna be on this show ever again because i think he may be contagious..."

Kel blinked. "Dude, it's a real actual movie... oh never mind."

_Veil: So, what were your first thoughts when Kel approached you with the idea for 'Vile?' Has it met your expectations in any way?_

"Er, well," said Veil, rubbing the back of his head. "Being a fictional character, I'm sort've forced to be in whatever fic any author wants me to be in. Fact, I can be in more than one fic at a time. But if you're curious, I will say that I did enjoy doing it, because it was sort of a chance for me to shine."

_Sunflash AND Veil: When did you grow your headfur out to the point where you could toss it about like that? I was always under the impression that it was rather short._

(Cole quickly gave them the 'don't-you-dare-start-tossing' glare.)

"It is, normally," said Sunflash.

"Yeah," nodded Veil, "but that's the beauty of being a fictional character, because our appearances can change."

"Mm-hmm, mostly my headfur is long only for random humor purposes."

"Also, my own headfur isn't so long, its just my bangs. If you've ever seen a certain pic of me on Deviantart by Cybercatmia, you'll get a better idea of what it looks like. However, I think Cybercatmia took it down (I think), but I do believe you might be able to find it on a vid on YouTube."

_Sunflash AND Veil: What were your Christmas lists, and what did you recieve this year? (Come on, I know you celebrate Christmas, or at least its Redwall equivelant...)_

"Heh heh," grinned Sunflash. "Yes, actually, we do, ever since fanfiction came into our lives. Let's see, what were my Christmas lists? I had lists for Skarlath, the Lingl-Dubbles, Mother, Father, Gramps, my great grandson, Bradders and Fordpetal, all my hares and all my woodland friends, all the little dibbuns-"

"Ha, he actually dressed up as Santa for all of them, all those dibbuns!" laughed Veil. "It was kinda sweet, actually."

The genet snorted. "Hmph, that's not what I would've given them; I would have given them rabid bats and adders for sommoning me and countless other vermin so damn much."

"Ah, where's your Christmas Spirit, Cole?" Sunflash said.

"The holidays are over, Sunflash," stated Kel.

"Oh. ...well that's what's wrong with all these human traditions! It's 'peace on the earth' and such until January and then you're all back to hating one another, I mean come on!" The big badger sighed and went on. "And I also had a few lists for Bryony, the abbeydwellers, and even a list or two for Veil and Bluefen."

"No list for Swartt, though," Veil remarked, grinning.

"Or Nightshade," nodded Sunflash. "Or Zigu or any of the vermin."

"Zigu and Nightshade were not suposed to recieve gifts? My bad."

Kel blinked at the genet. "You got them presents? What'd you get them?"

"I got Zigu those hidden blade thingys Assassins use (Assassin's Creed 2 pun) and for Nightshade.... The new Pok'emon game! Hahahahahahaha! No, I'm kidding. I got her potions, herbs, shells, bones and that crap. Seers mostly don't ask for much when it comes to gifts.... Kinda regret giving Zigu those blades though, he won't stop jumping beasts with them!"

"Heh, yeah, its all your fault," smirked Veil.

"Actually, Sunflash," put in Kel, deciding to get back to the previous subject. "I think she was asking what was on your list."

"Oh!" the big badger said, raising his eyebrows. "Oh, well, I just had the wish that everybeast would have a nice Christmas. Except Swartt and Nightshade and all the vermin and nasty voles."

"He did, too," nodded Veil. "And that made things easier for me, because he's one of the few creatures I actually like."

"And what was on your list, Veil?" Kel asked.

"Oh, land mines, atom bombs, grenade launchers, bolas, jagged swords, poisionous gases, the usual."

Silence.

_Geez, thank Gates Veil is pretty much the only vermin that became a wuss_, Cole thought.

Then Veil broke out giggling. "Heeheeheeheeheeheehee! You guys, I'm just kidding! Heeheeheeheeheehee!"

"Er, yeah," said Kel. "She also wanted to know what you guys got."

"I got a lot of stuff," said Sunflash. "Sweets, baked goods, new scarves, a comb, a new belt, a new tunic, a new cloak, an armlet, a book, some lovely pictures drawn by the dibbuns themselves, a box of acorns, a seashell or two, all of them very heart-felt and lovely."

"And I got pretty much the same," nodded Veil. "Only I got presents only from Bryony, my mom, Grandpa, and Sunflash, so I didn't get as much. I got a new mobcap for Bryony, a blue necklace for my mom, some chocolates for Gramps, and I was the one who gave Sunflash his new comb."

The badger laughed. "And you didn't get anything for your dad, eh?"

The young ferret paused, grinning evilly. "Well... I did get him something, only its a long story."

"Like we're going anywhere?"

"Hm. Well alright. It was a day or two before Christmas, and Gramps had come over to visit with Wurgg the Spinecrusher. They actually had their own presents to give to my dad. Wurgg gave Dad a nice big hug that crushed his spine. Fortunately, because this is fanfiction, my dad didn't die, but had to be healed a bit by Nightshade. Then later my grandpa gave my dad his gift."

(Cole leaned over to Kel and whispered, "Didn't we have a Wurgg working around here as a guard?"

"I'm not sure," the ferret whispered back, "but that does sound like an idea! I'll have to contact Bowflegg about it.")

"And what was that?" asked Sunflash eagerly, who was now wishing fervently he had been there to witness Wurgg hugging Swartt.

"A whole bunch of weird!hares."

The big blonde badger roared with laugher, clapping his paws and stamping his footpaws.

Veil also laughed, tears beginning to form at the corners of his eyes. "Heeheeheehee, you should've seen him! He had a gut that was twice the size of Grandpa's! And that's saying something! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"

After a good long while of laughing out loud, Sunflash wiped his eyes and wheezed, "And what was your present? Come on, out with it!"

"Well... while I was out gathering wood for the fireplace, I saw this orc-"

Sunflash laughed harder than ever.

"-it was sort've crying, whining about how its always shunned by all the animals because they think its going to kiss them. Well, I felt sorry for the thing, being through what its been through, so I invited it over."

"We could really use an orc right now... or two," Cole the genet whispered to Kel, who smirked and asked the younger ferret,

"Did you really for sorry for the orc, or-"

"Oh no, no," said Veil. "My real intentions were to see if it was lying and if it really would try to kiss my dad."

"And did it?" Sunflash asked eagerly.

"Er... well not at first."

"At first?" blinked Sunflash.

"Well... it kissed my mom first."

"WHAT?!"

"Well yeah... I didn't know that would happen! But then it let go of her and then went straight for dad. But as it turned out, Mom doesn't like it when other creatures (even orcs) kiss Dad, so she grabbed the orc and kicked it clear to the moon."

"You sure she wasn't jealous that the orc abandoned her?" grinned Sunflash.

"I'm telling my mom you said that."

"...no please don't tell her."

"You'll have to cough up a lot to make me not."

"You'll have to shave that head to keep my silence!" Cole said loudly.

"Boys, boys," interrupted Kel. "You can talk about this later. Right now, let's get on with the fanmail, shall we?"

_As for the storyline? Um...hard to pick. I think I'll go with Veil's. Normally I dislike stories where a protagonist tends downward in personality and the like (Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, for example) but somehow, Veil's plotline isn't that bad to me._

"Hey, thanks!" grinned Veil.

_Sunflash's plot was pretty standard. He escapes the vermin, finds Salamandastron, becomes badger lord, and fights off the bad guys._

"Hmph! Well!" huffed Sunflash.

_Veil's wasn't so easy to guess. Yes, we knew he was searching for his father, but what would happen when they found each other, well, that was a wildcard. Perhaps that's one reason why. I'm not really sure._

"Cool," said Veil.

_Here's an idea for penalties: If Sunflash loses, he gets to appear in a continuation of Vile however Veil (and Kel, of course) chooses. If Veil loses, Sunflash appears in a continuation of Vile on his own terms. Sound good?_

"I guess," shrugged Kel.

"Except its not very dramatic for a penalty," remarked Veil.

"Well, I'm sure we can think of something for sure when we're all done," said Sunflash.

"The next fanmail is from Aris Dalton," said Kelaiah.

_Veil:  
- Did you ever consider Bryony as a sister or mother at some point during Outcast? If so, when?_

"Um," said the young ferret. "I'm not sure. I suppose I saw her as a sort of mix, but I knew pretty much all along that I was a different species than the abbeybeasts, but never really understood it until I was older.

_- Do you consider yourself as Good, Evil, Neutral, or a mix?_

"I consider myself reformed. I was evil, and in many ways I still am, but I more or less 'saw the errors of my ways' when I finally met my father and realized what scum other vermin really are. I actually also realized in that moment why the Redwallers were so mistrustful of me, and that brought a better understanding to me, plus I also realized that I had actually received better treatment from Redwall than from my own kind, so... yeah."

_- How many times can you say "Bryony bakes braised bread before bedtime" without messing up?_

"Bryony baked braised bread before bedtime, Bryony bakes bleh bleh pleeeaaahhh uggghhhh..."

-_ If you were suddenly gifted with three wishes, what would you wish for?_

"I know what I would wish for..." Cole whispered to Kel with a grin.

"Hm, I'm not sure... I suppose one wish would be to have been able to start over with the Redwallers, except if I got that I never would've been able to help rescue Sunflash and ruin my father's plans, so I'd have to think about it..."

- _I sort of find your death to be hopelessly ironic. What do you think?_

"Yeah," the ferret nodded. "I do too."

_Sunflash:  
- Which do you prefer - the name Sunflash or the name Sunstripe?_

The golden-striped badger shrugged. "Mm, I'm not sure. 'Sunflash' is more like a warrior's name, but 'Sunstripe' is more like a farmer, and I'm both things, so I suppose I prefer both equally. As long as everybeast knows its me then I'm cool."

One of Cole's ears twitched. "Really? You didn't like Scumstripe instead? I thought that was a quite fitting name for you."

"HEY SHUT UP! NOBEAST ASKED YOU, YOU FREAK CROSS OF A-"

Suddenly a large piece of extremely strong duct tape appeared across the badger's mouth. "HHMMMRRFFF! MMFFF! MRRFFF! HRRRRRRRMMMMMMFFFFF!"

"I don't want to hear it," Kel said calmly. "Now I want both of you to apologize to each other right now." (He said that not because he wanted them to apologize but because he was interested to see their reactions.)

The genet looked at Kel as if he had just said the most idiotic thing he had ever said in his entire life. "No force on this planet will ever make me apologize to a badger! The most over glorified species in the history of the Redwall universe! Claimed to be wise and intelligent when in reality they are just a bunch of mentally insane wildbeasts with no self control. Guaranteed Kel, he'll go berserk by the end of the show. Watch."

Sunflash gave a violent snort, and to his relief, the tape disappeared. "Bleah. I'd say something mean to you, Cole, except that'd only be proving you right." And with that, he settled back in his chair and went on with the fanmail.

-_ I really liked that song about Salamandastron. Have you ever sung it since the end of the book? If not, are you willing to sing it now? (After all, you apparently are willing to sing "Popular" with Veil.)_

"Yes, and no."

- _Do you consider yourself a poet of sorts?_

"Well of course."

- _How many times can you say "Swartt Sixclaw switches sandals swimmingly with Sam Squirrel" without messing up?_

"Swartt Sixclaw switches sandals swimmingly with Sam Squirrel, Swartt Sixclaw switches sandals swimmingly with Sam Squirrel, Swartt Sixclaw switches sandals swimmingly with Sam Squirrel, Swartt Sixclaw switches oh pleah bleah blah bleah bleah bleah..."

- _Would you say that your tragic life and Veil's tragic life were products of a messed up childhood? (As in, I think Swartt is the one that ruined your life and Veil's life during the book, right up until the very end.)_

"Yes."

_And even though Bryony isn't in the mailing room, I have a feeling that she will appear sometime in the chapter, so I have a comment for her: Bryony? Please slap Swartt for me, will you? Thanks._

"Um, she hasn't arrived yet-" began Kel, except a sudden sharp slap was heard outside the Fanmail-Answering Room, quickly followed by a deep male voice grunting in pain.

Cole whispered to Kel, "Why in Hellgates is she out there for? Her son is nuts! Send her in for Gate's sake!"

"You know I'm trying to keep it so that only two Canon characters come into the Fanmail Answering Room!"

_Also, I like Veil's story better than Sunflash's because it was unexpected and unusual. I knew what to expect at the end for Sunflash, but not Veil. (Also, it was interesting to see a character that wasn't necessarily Good or Bad.)_

"Whatever," grumbled Sunflash while Veil smiled.

"The next fanmail is from Marlstripe BlueBlade," said Kel.

_Really, I pick Sunflash for best storyline because I just love hares._

"Oh good!" said Sunflash, perking up at that somebody had finally chosen his storyline.

"Next fanmail is from Adder of the Pit."

_I vote Veil's storyline (wow I almost typed 'Klitch' rather than Veil. That was weird.)_

"That is weird," the young ferret agreed. "Klitch and I are nothing alike! ...Well, maybe a little..."

_To Veil: *shoots Skipperjo into the room with an otter-sized bazooka* Say something to him! I don't care what, just say something to him. 'Cause I didn't like how he acted in the book, so I wanted to see if you had anything to say to him._

"Um," said Veil, staring blankly at the otter that suddenly appeared in the room. "Er, I... really haven't got anything to say to him at the moment..."

"Good," said Kel. And with that, Skipperjo was shot back out.

_To Sunflash: It takes a real man to write poetry. Seriously, dude, you're like a samurai! You write poetry and kick tail at the same time! That's awesome!_

"Why thank you! That's real nice of you."

"I had a uncle that was something like that," remarked Cole. "He went to the far East and became some pirate lord or something. If he was not doing poetry and stories, he was raiding and burning down coastal villages and towns. He was good at both. Only genet ever seen in Far Eastern Jungle history. He even had his own castle and island. I think one of his many great grandsons now owns it all..."

"Cool," said Kel. "You have some very interesting family heritage, Cole. Don't you think guys?"

But Veil and Sunflash were too busy gossiping at the moment. "Yeah, sure Kel, whatever..."

_*shoots Nightshade into the room with a fox-sized bazooka* Get 'er!_

The big badger blinked. "Um... I already did."

"Hey Shade," Cole said to the vixen, who didn't get a chance to reply because Kel pressed a button that sent her sailing right back out.

"Exactly," Kel said in response to what Sunflash said.

_To Cole of the Shadows: Just so ya know... a wolverine could kick a genet's stripy yellow butt any day of the week. *shoots Askor into the room with a wolverine-sized bazooka* Case in point._

"STOP SHOOTING ALL THESE EXTRA BEASTS INTO THE ROOM!" SCREECHED KEL AS HE SHOT THE ASKOR BACK OUT. "THERE'S ONLY TWO CANON CHARACTERS ALLOWED IN THE FANMAIL-ANSWERING ROOM AT A TIME! KNOCK IT OFF!"

"Well, genet-kind has never encountered a wolverine before... I think. Be an interesting fight as they are tougher and more savage than badgers are...."

"Whatever. The next fanmail is from The Crazili Obsessed."

_I liked the Sunflash storyline better, simply because Bryony gets on my nerves. She reminded me too much of a RL person that I hate. But I like Veil as a character better._

"People are way too hard on Bryony," sighed Veil. "But I guess they do have a point, she did get a little annoying at times."

_For Veil:_

_1. Name one plausible AU story where you remain alive 'till adult-hood. If not able to, give a basis for a future one._

"I believe TaheenKiller already did that. His fic was where I asked Bryony to tell the abbeybeasts that I died and I went off to have my own adventures. However, I didn't like how I killed my dad, it was a little fake, plus there are some Stuish qualities about it."

"Yeah I didn't like that either," put in Sunflash. "I mean come on, I'm the one who's supposed to kill off Swartt! It completely detracted from my storyline!"

_2. Headfur? Really?_

The genet blurted out, "That's what I said!"

"Shut up, Cole!" Veil scowled. Replying to the fanmail, "I believe I already explained that to Oreramer - and in fact, if you think about it, 'headfur' could just simply mean the fur that already grows all over my face!"

3. Name one beast that, if given the chance, you would slip poison without a second thought. From any book, any storyline.

"My dad. Duh."

_For Sunflash:  
1. Headfur? Really?_

"Thought that too, said that too," Cole said.

"Arrgg, I already explained that to Oreramer too!" the badger growled, casting a glare at the intercom where the genet's voice was coming from. "And just like Veil said, 'headfur' could just mean the fur that's already on our heads!"

_2. Do you feel that your past is a little contradictory to the info given in 'Mossflower'?_

"Of course it is, but I guess that's to be expected when the author of the series you exist in had no future plans for any future books."

_For both:  
1. Headfur? Really?_

"WE BOTH ALREADY-"

"WE KNOW!" SHOUTED KEL. "Ahem. We know. Now let's move on, shall we?"

("Human or not, I'm starting to like this creature..." Cole grinned.)

_For Kelaiah:  
1. Listen to the characters and keep working on 'Vile.' Please?_

The bespectacled ferret smiled. "If you quit commenting on 'headfur', I will.

"Alright, the next fanmail is from Fyada."

_Who's storyline was better? What a shtupid question. Of course Veil's storyline's better, the title of the book is even named after him._

"Heh, at least I can spell 'stupid'!" snapped Sunflash.

_For Veil:  
1. I never got why you saved Bryony's life, you didn't even like her. So, why on Earth did you save her?_

"I DO TOO LIKE HER!" SCREAMED VEIL. "Ahem. Let me explain: at the beginning of my book, I relied on her as a shield against the other Redwallers, because she was always defending me and such. But then we had that fight outside the infirmary about my stealing Friar Fatbelly's stupid little blue honeypot, so pretty much afterwards I stopped liking her. But after meeting my father I remembered how much she cared for me, and really, in the end, it was either her or Swartt. The choice seems natural now, doesn't it?"

_2. Imagine that your mother Bluefen was still alive and that she and Swartt actually loved each other. Oh and imagine that Swartt spoiled you and loved you._

Veil didn't answer. He simply sat there in his chair, eyes wide, as though stunned by the very idea of his parents actually being in love and his own father spoiling and loving him. He didn't even move when Sunflash waved his paw in the young ferret's face.

Cole yelled for Bryony. "Bryony! Your son or whatever the hell he is has finally blown a gasket! Come deal with him before he does something crazy!"

"He's my _adopted_ son and Kel won't let me in!" the mousemaid shrieked in reply.

Kel gave a scowling sigh. "Let's just get on with the fanmail."

_For Sunflash/stripe:  
1. Sunstripe is a stupid name_

Cole exploded in laughter at the sudden statement.

"Coming from somebeast named 'Fyada'," snorted Sunflash bad-temperedly. "What kind of name is that?"

_2. Do you consider Veil Evil/Good/Neutral?_

"I consider him 'reformed'. Just like he himself does."

_By the way, VEIL IS AWESOME!_

"Yeah, thanks," the ferret answered absent-mindedly. He was still trying to wrap his head around the idea of his family being loving and such - and getting a rather bad migrane from it. Kel supplied him with some aspirin and water.

"The next fanmail is from Jarrtail."

_Personally, I prefer Veil's storyline. Sunflash's is a tad overdone, what with the whole "badgerlord questing for Salamandastron, swear vengeance upon enemy, etc." Veil was something new and original that Jacques had never done before._

"Well, I guess that's true," Sunflash agreed.

_Anyway...  
Question for Veil: Don't you think poisoning is an over the top method of revenge for a guy who pulled your ear? Just booby-trap his door or something, but you really don't need to kill anyone._

"Oh! Like the red hot door handle trick!?" Cole spoke with a smile.

"Meh," said Veil. "I was young and full of rage and spoilt and rebellious. What'd you expect?"

_Sunflash: Do you harbor any ill feelings toward Veil? I mean, he did save you (sort of), but he was certainly evil._

"He was," the big badger agreed. "But, like you said, he did play a part in saving my life, so we're good." He grinned at the young ferret, and the two shared a high five.

"OW!" yelped Veil, shaking his paw out.

"Whoops, sorry mate."

"The next fanmail," said Kel. "Is from Abbot Langus of Redwall."

_First Question goes to Veil. After some comments, of course. You are the best grey charector and in the end you were definetley good._

"Why thank you!" smiled Veil. "But... what was his question?"

"Eh," said Kel. "I didn't think it was appropriate enough, so I decided not to include it."

The younger ferret wrinkled his brow. "...um ...yeah. Ahem."

_To Sunflash... Are you a girl? I could never figure out whether or not you were, or had Brian Jacques messed up._

For a moment there was silence.

Then Sunflash's eyes turned a brilliant shade of red. A bloodcurdling roar erupted from his foam-covered mouth and his claws began to mutilate his computer.

Veil squeaked and dove for cover, and was quickly teleported to a safe room so Sunflash could have an empty room to vent his anger on.

A few hours later Sunflash woke up, surrounded by rubble and wires and splintered wood.

"...what happened?"

Bzz "Er, you uh-" bzz "-ad a lit-" bzz "of an attack," said Kel's voice from a half-broken intercom. "But-" bzz "-t worry, I'll-" bzz

Suddenly the whole Fanmail-Answering Room was back to its normal state, and Veil was sitting warily back in his chair.

For a long moment, there was silence. Then:

"Heh, sorry, everybeast."

Cole had not even flinched the entire time, the genet just sat there with an annoyed and angry frown on his face, than he finally turned to Kel and smacked him in the back of the head rather roughly with his paw.

"OW!"

"You see!? You see why I sugggested to have at least some guards or a horde of flesh eating bats in the room!? Sure you fixed everything with that magic clicker of yours but IMAGINE how much the bill is gonna cost Kelly! You NEVER listen to me when it comes to subjects like these! Oh boy! I cannot WAIT untill we have guests like Gulo and Cregga on the show!"

The genet proceeded to nag and lecture the ferret for a few minutes afterwards, though to Kel it felt like hours. Finally:

"COLE! If I could get a word in edgewise: I'm rich. I don't need to worry about bills. So stop lecturing me and let's get on with the fanmail!

"Question. Where is my cut then!?"

The ferret was about to make a quick response, but then changed his mind, and pulled out a giant greenback and slapped it into the genet's paw.

"THERE! Ugh. Um... next fanmail is from Azure Neko."

The genet made a smug grin as he flipped through his cash. "About time. Thank you Kelaiah."

_I vote for Veil's storyline. It's more interesting to watch a beast go bad then to watch to drag himself out of the mud._

"Mm-hmm," said Sunflash.

"Yeah," Veil quietly agreed, still a little wary about his friend's temper.

_My question is for Sunflash. I want to know what went through your head when you found out your mortal enemy had a kid. Spare no gory details!_

The big badger blinked. "...oh my gosh! I just realized! MY MORTAL ENEMY HAD A KID!"

Veil stared at Sunflash. "What?"

"I mean, I always knew you were Swartt's kid, but - it never fully occured to me that MY MORTAL ENEMY HAD A KID! EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"

"Huh," said Veil. "I guess that answers that question."

Cole just rolled his eyes, still fairly upset about musclehead tearing up the room from before, though he was feeling better about the money Kel gave him.

"Yeah," agreed Kel. "Um, the next fanmail is from thadudeman."

_I'm gonna go with Sunflash's storyline being better. It's more exciting, and plus, Bryony was a bit annoying._

"Oh good, thank you!" smiled Sunflash. "Er, not that I think Bryony is annoying, that is."

"Good," stated Veil.

_Questions to Veil: Have you ever wished that you had been loved and cared for by your father? Or are you happy at how you turned out?_

"I suppose on some level I have wished that, but really, now that I live in fanfiction, I kinda like things the way they are. So yeah, I'm happy with how things turned out."

_Questions to Sunflash: Do you miss Skarlath?_

The big badger blinked at the question. "Do I miss Skarlath? We see each other all the time in fanfiction, how can I possibly miss him? Sure, I missed him in the book, but... well... yeah. Honestly, some of these questions..."

"The next set of questions would have been from Blazesoul, but their fanmail wasn't deemed appropriate enough, so we will not be reading it-"

From somewhere in the building, a small bomb went off. Kel sighed and rolled his eyes.

The genet spoke. "Shot in the dark. It was for me was it?"

"Actually, I think it was sort've meant for all of us," Kel replied. "So our next fanmail comes from Ike5000282."

_I'm voting for Veil because he's just one of my favorite characters in all the books of Redwall._

"Welp, looks like you're winning," Sunflash said to the young ferret. "And I guess I should've expected that. Storylines like your's do tend to be a bit more popular."

"Meh," shrugged Veil. "I thought your's was plenty cool."

_Veil's Questions: do you believe that you are Good, Evil, or Neutral? Did you sacrifice yourself?_

The young ferret sighed. "Kel, do I have to answer this? I believe I've already-"

"Yes, you can just skip this one."

_Sunflash's question: How does it feel to have your best friend killed by a poisoned arrow?_

"HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS, YOU- YOU-!"

Veil yelped and dove for cover again. This time, however, Kel did not allow Sunflash to nearly destroy the Fanmail-Answering Room, but rather shot out some long strips of cloth that wrapped themselves tightly around the badger like a mummy.

"HRRRMMMFFF! MMFF MFFF! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFF!"

"I am NOT letting you go all bloodwrathy again, Sunflash, now calm down!"

After a few minutes of struggling to break free, the badger finally did as he was told and settled down.

"Good," said Kel, and with that, he released Sunflash.

Cole tapped his footpaw and twirled one of his paw fingers. "Good job Kel. Oh boy, you SURE taught him a leson! He tries to throw another fit and you gave him a blanket in response! You sure showed him! I bet he won't be doing that again...." The genet was still a little cheesed.

"And how," Kel replied heatedly, "is tying him up like a mummy 'giving him a blanket'? Honestly, Cole..."

"What I mean by that is that your way of handling muscleheads like Sunny here is pathetic! Seriously. Wrapping him up like a mummy? How about a little shock treatment or the threat of longbow arrows or this being fanfiction, BULLETS!? Anything but wrapping him up like a Gate's forsaken mummy!"

Not liking the genet's attitude, Kel pressed a button on his lazer and soon Cole found himself wrapped up like a mummy, unable to break free.

"You were saying, Cole?" the ferret smirked.

The genet mades movements to try to reach for his own cheaper and less expensive clicker, or at least his phone, but was so tied up tight that he couldn't touch either one. Finally he just gave up and glared at Kel.

The ferret decided to ungag Cole to see what he had to say:

"I'm gonna get my lawyer Kel. I'm gonna get my lawyer and I'm gonna see your sorry hide in court...."

But Kel only smiled and turned back to the fanmail.

_To Kel: You draw some nice character sheets. Keep up the good work._

"Why THANK you!" the bespectacled ferret gushed. "How nice of you to say that! Aw, you're so sweet."

_P.S. If Bryony somehow appears in the next chapter, give her this spear to throw at Swartt. See how he likes it._

Suddenly from outside the room, came the bloodcurdling scream of a ferret warlord who had just been speared by a pretty mousemaid.

Veil and Sunflash grinned.

Cole spoke quietly to Kel. "For some odd reason, I'm starting to show a little bit of sympathy for what Swartt goes through as a result of his idiotic choices in life..."

"Heh heh, yeeeaaahhh..." nodded Kel. "Alright, that's it for the fanmail! Veil wins this round two to one-"

"Those punishments that one fanmailer came up with weren't very dramatic," put in Sunflash. "I'd have thought we would've worked things out on our own with Vile."

Veil nodded in agreement.

"Don't worry," said Kel with an evil smile. "I'll be sure to come up with a dramatic punishment for you, Sunflash..."

"Er, or maybe we can go with those other punishments instead?"

"TOO LATE!" Cole grinned evilly. "Hey Kel! I got a few nasty ideas for more meaningful punishments! Wanna hear them?"

Silence followed.

Veil and Sunflash waited for Kelaiah's response, but it never came.

"Um, Kel?" they finally called. No response.

"Cole?" No response.

"Hey guys, are you still there?"

Suddenly from the intercom came the genet's voice on a recording:

"I'm sorry. Cole and Kelly are not here right now. Please leave a message after the beep."

(It might be noted that the beep never came either. Although they thought they could very faintly hear Kel screaming "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT CALLING ME KELLYYYYYY?!?!?!?!")


	13. The 3rd Punishment

"Okay, here we go," said Veil as he placed the DVD into the computer.

"So what are we watching?" asked Sunflash.

"This is a little... whachamacallit... a 'home video' that I put together for my grandpa's birthday."

"Hey, that's sweet," the big badger smiled.

The ferret grinned. "Not really. Or at least, not everybeast would agree with you. Oh here, its starting..."

The screen flickered for a moment before it showed none other than Swartt Sixclaw laying on his back on a couch, snoring away.

Then... a pair of sneaky eyes peeked over the top of the coach, watched the sleeping ferret for a moment before scuttling around to his footpaws.

The owner of the sneaky eyes (Veil, of course) swiftly and carefully began tying his father's feet together, taking high measure not to wake Swartt up.

Once that was done, the younger ferret tiptoed over and unbuckled his father's belt (Swartt just so happened to be wearing a vest and kilt at the time).

Afterwards, Veil took out a spray can of whipped cream, placed a big glob of it in Swartt's paw, and took his position behind his father's head.

He then produced a feather and began tickling Swartt's nose.

The older ferret grumbled and wiped his un-creamed paw against his muzzle.

Veil carefully placed some cream in that paw as well, and went back to the tickling.

Swartt groaned and placed both paws to his face-

_Splat!_

"_Bwah_-huh? Wha-_pleah_! Augh! _Why you little-!"_

The older ferret jumped up in the obvious attempt to catch his laughing son... only to find that his footpaws were tied together, and his belt unbuckled.

Swartt's kilt fell, revealing a pair of boxers covered in red hearts.

Veil cackled wildly and ran out the door, passing by Bluefen, who came in bearing groceries.

The ferretwife calmly raised her eyebrows at her husband, but made no other reaction.

Swartt snarled, red with embarrassment and tried to pull his kilt back up. "I'll get that brat back if its the last thing I ever do! Bluefen, would you help me out here?"

"Sure."

Bluefen placed the groceries on the counter, took out a camera and snapped Swartt's picture.

* * *

Veil and Sunflash were rolling around on the floor, laughing their heads off, when suddenly the DVD was interrupted by an incoming email.

Of course it went unnoticed for a few moments before the guffawing duo got a hold of themselves and picked themselves up.

"Oh look, I got an email," Veil said, a giggle still in his voice. He clicked on it, and said, "Well, speak of the devil. Its from dear old Dad!"

"Oh really?" chuckled Sunflash, wiping his eyes. "What does he say, that he'll get his revenge if its the last thing he'll ever do?"

The young ferret was silent.

Sunflash's brow furrowed slightly. "Veil?"

"No, he says..." he trailed off.

Blinking, the badger peered over Veil's shoulder and read what Swartt's email said:

_Dear Veil,_

_I know I've been driving you crazy saying I'll be getting my revenge and such. Well now, you don't have to worry about that, because today is the day that I get my revenge._

_Yes, that's right. Because Kelaiah and Cole have been taking so ridiculously long in updating this stupid fanfic, I shall take it upon myself to bestow the punishments upon you and Sunflash._

"But I was the one who lost," pointed out Sunflash.

_So anyway, _Swartt's message went on, _t__o go by Kelaiah's stupid rules about there only being two canon characters in the room (although now it doesn't seem so stupid), I have enlisted the help of those two foxes, Brenn and Rool, to babysit you while I inflict punishment on Sunflash._

_Hugs and kisses, Daddy._

Next thing either of them knew, Veil was being tied up and gagged by the two foxes who did so to him in the book.

"Hey!" Sunflash leaped into action, ready to save his friend-

"HEY!" shouted Brenn. "You know the rules, only two canon characters allowed in this room, and we have to take away Veil so Swartt can be here!"

The badger paused, slightly confused. The foxes took full advantage of that and swiftly carried Veil out of the magic-disappearing-reappearing-doorway.

Swartt came in just as they were going out, and Veil shot his father the most murderous glance he could produce. Swartt, however, only grinned and winked, and strolled casually over to Sunflash.

The badger snorted, crossing his arms. "Fine, if that's the way things are going to be, then so be it. Though I think that was a little harsh on Veil. He didn't lose or tie with me."

"No matter, that's not the subject matter here," Swartt replied, whipping out a list. "Now then, let us begin. I decided that a proper punishment for you would be for you to have happen to you what happened to me during Christmas."

Sunflash blinked. "Wait, wouldn't that be repeating punishments? Ublaz and Badrang had those punishments happen to them-"

"Ublaz only had the Weird!Hares, and technically speaking, Badrang getting kissed by the orc wasn't a punishment in the first place. You, on the other paw, are having both of those things happen to you, plus a big hug from Wurgg."

"I'm not so sure if Wurgg can even break my spine," mused Sunflash.

"Well, he's always wanted to find out, and so have I, so let's not let this opportunity go to waste, eh?" smiled Swartt. "Now then, I did some thinking, and decided to have these three things happen to you in the following order: the orc-kiss, the hug, and then the Weird!Hares."

"Huh. I would've thought you'd have the orc-kiss be last."

"I did originally intend that, but then again, I figured the orc would be less interested in kissing a fat badger. So you're having that done first."

"And why is the hug from Wurgg going to be second?"

"Because I've heard that Weird!Hares usually don't attack badgers, but I think they might if said badger was maimed or immobilized or... well, you get the idea. And if Wurgg were to break your spine, you wouldn't die, as this is fanfiction, and therefore would still be alive. You just wouldn't be able to fight or move or anything. So the Weird!Hares would be more likely to attack you. So there, are we agreed?"

Sunflash sighed. "Well, I wouldn't want this to be happening in the first place, but... I lost the competition, so I guess I have no choice. Well then, I shall accept my fate with dignity, and a quiet, submissive, yet noble attitude, being fully..."

(Swartt checked his watch - and then remembered he didn't have a watch, and so decided to just simply call in the orc.)

"...prepared to accept the consequences of every action I have ever taken during this little misadventure, and I will not complain, whine, cry, feel sorry for myself or-"

The badger suddenly took notice of the orc's puckered lips coming towards his own.

Sunflash's eyes went wide and his mouth hung open in silent horror, and he began a slow backward walk.

The orc kept perfect time with the badger, and it wasn't until Sunflash was pressed up flat against the wall that their lips finally touched.

Sunflash squeezed his eyes shut and prayed fervently that the kiss wouldn't last long.

It did.

However, it didn't last nearly as long as it would've been if Sunflash had been shorter than the orc. However, Sunflash _was _taller than the orc, and orcs are more used to kissing animals that are shorter than they. So _this _orc ended the kiss a little sooner because it was getting a crick in its neck.

The orc then promptly disappeared, and Sunflash began gagging and wiping furiously at his mouth.

Swartt, however, was laughing his head off. "Dahahahaahahahaha! I didn't think it would be that funny, but Dahhahahahaahhaahahahhaaa!"

Sunflash glared at his mortal enemy, but he couldn't make a retort, for a pair of gigantic, muscle-bound arms suddenly encircled their way around him.

"Augh!"

The badger then found himself looking into the smug face of Wurgg, who joyously squeezed on Sunflash's spine.

Sunflash knew he was not allowed to fight back, but he couldn't help but flex his own muscles in reaction to the giant weasel's hug.

After quite some time of both titans groaning and snarling, squeezing and straining, one in exertion and the other in pain, there was an audible-

_CRACK!_

-and Sunflash crumbled to the ground, helpless.

Wurgg wiped his forehead and brushed his paws. "There!" was all he said before he stalked past Swartt and out of the room.

"Oh, before you go, Wurgg, could you be a pal and set the badger up in his chair, pretty please?" Swartt called after him.

The weasel was feeling pretty generous after he had (in his opinion) proven that he was stronger than Sunflash, so he complied to Swartt's request before making his exit.

"There we go," sang Swartt. "And now... for the main event!" He produced a whistle similar to the one Rasconza used to summon the Weird!Hares.

The ferret blew on it - and then dove under the table, lest the hares attack him instead. One never could tell with Weird!Hares.

"Wotwot, top hole, wot wot!"

Sunflash braced himself as much as he could before the crowd of Weird!Hares descended upon him, all of them making what appeared to be concerned inquiries about why he was looking so injured, all the way speaking in their strange dialect.

Then one of the hares brightened up, saying, "Wotwot, top hole, jolly good eh, wotwot!"

(Translation: "I think the best cure is a good meal, eh chaps?")

The others nodded, saying, "Wot wot!"

(Translation: "Yes, it is!")

A table cloth laden with countless plates and bowels was then spread across the table that Swartt was hiding under (he could barely suppress a giggle), and the hares then busied themselves with stuffing Sunflash's face with:

An onion-and-leek turnover, watercress and scallions, a salad with lettuce leaves, a mushroom flan covered in onion sauce, a damson pudding, a heavy fruitcake, strawberry shortcake, a vegtable stew, a warm rye farl, some sliced apples, a latticed pear tart, a gooseberry crumble with meadowcream topping, a large wedge of cheese, vegtable salad, fruit salad, an apple pie, an apple sponge pudding, an almond tart, a honeyed scone, a wild cherry turnover, parsnip and mushroom pastie, a thick vegtable flan, a pear and chestnut flan, an almond cake with candied lilac buds, yellow cheese, soft nutbread, candied chestnuts, elderberry cordial, apple and damson pie, deeper'n'ever pie, a chestnut and blackberry flan, deeper'n'ever turnip'n'tater'n'beetroot pie, a multicolored woodland trifle with yellow meadowcream, mushroom soup with chopped carrots, October ale, dark fruit cake, honey rhubarb crumble, plum pudding, fresh spring salad, soft white cheese, hot baked oatbread, mushroom and leek pastie, cold mint tea, strawberry cordial, deeper'n'ever turnip'n'tater'n'beetroot pie, carrot and mushroom flan, hot oatcakes covered in honey, greensap milk, a cheese flan, cress and watershrimp soup, celery and leek turnovers, strong old chestnut cheese, barley bread, greengage flan, latticed redcurrant tart, maple cordial, and nutbread rolls.

After all that, one of the hares bounded forward with a barrel of watershrimp and hotroot soup, and poured all of its contents down Sunflash's throat. Naturally steam started shooting out of his ears, and the hares promptly began piling him with ice-cold drinks.

Being a badger, Sunflash could eat more than the normal victims of the Weird!Hares could, and so it took a little while for his belly to reach the "Drum Size". But it did eventually, breaking the badger's belt in the process, and the hares were quite pleased when they saw it, pounding their paws on it and making up silly ditties about Sunflash.

The poor badger groaned at this indignity; he would have plotted to have the same done to Swartt, except Swartt had already had the same done to him. Besides, it was hard to think straight when one was being stuff with:

Damson, apple, and blackberry tarts with pastry latticed tops, strawberry fizz, Bubblin' Bobbs, riverbank salad, arrowroot scones with honey, wild onion and leek soup, spring vegtable pasties, nutbread, oatfarls, wheatcobs, blackberry and apple tarts, plum maple pudding, elderberry pie with yellow summercream, beetroot wine, gooseberry preserve scones hot with buttercup spread, pennycloud wine, chestnut brown beer, cherry cake glazed with candied nuts, elderberry wine, dandelion and burdock cordial, parsnip cordial, mushroom and chestnut stew, raspberry vinegar, pink rhubarb wine, blackcurrant muffins, dandelion tea, pear pudding, elderberry and rosehip cordial made their way into Ublaz's mouth, followed by a leek pastie, hazelnut cheese, hazelnut pudding, elderberry tart, plum cordial, celery and mushroom turnover, heavy fruitcake, apple pie, bilberry scones, a sizable lobster, lots of Honey Moles, soups and stews of seaweed and shellfish, strawberry fizz, yellow cheese with chestnut and celery, white cheese with hazelnuts, pale gold cheese with chives and apples, soft cream cheese with almonds, fawn-colored cheese with carrot and acorn, solid reddy cheese with radish and onion, hazelnut cream pie, meadowcream trifle, pear flan, mint wafers, a chestnut and mushroom flan, leek and chestnut pasties covered in thyme and radish sauce, damson and hazelnut flans topped with mint cream, roast chestnuts with cream and honey, clover oatcakes dipped in hot redcurrant sauce, celery and herb cheese on acorn bread with chopped radishes, a huge seed and sweet barely cake with mint icing, pear cordial, strawberry juice, bulrush and watershrimp soup, honeyed toffee pears, maple tree cordial, seedcake, potatoe scones, October ale, and a whole lot more.

Finally, Sunflash's belly reached "Bunching Bag Size", and one of the hares, a particularly large one with great big knobby paws, jumped up in front of the Badger Lord and slammed his fist into the protruding gut.

The other hares roared with laughter, stuffing even more food into Sunflash's gasping mouth and punching his belly as hard as they could.

* * *

Hours and hours later, Sunflash awoke, feeling quite dazed and stuffed.

"Ah good, yer awake!"

Swartt's grinning face came into Sunflash's vision.

The badger grumbled in return.

"Ah, what's the matter? Feeling a little bloated, eh, Sunbelly?"

Sunflash glared up at the ferret. "Don't. Call. Me-"

"Sunbelly?" Swartt interrupted innocently.

"_Don't call me that!"_

"But that's your name, isn't it? Sunbelly?" And with that, the ferret began to beat his own rhythm on the badger's belly.

"Don't do that, Swartt," Sunflash warned.

"Sunbelly, Sunbelly, how do you do? You've got a great big belly big as the blu-"

Suddenly, with an amazing surge of strength and will, Sunflash managed to prop his spine together momentarily in order to thrust his belly outward with such a great force that it sent Swartt flying backwards into the wall.

_BAM!_

The ferret-warlord fell in an unconscious heap. Sunflash grinned, and sank back into his chair.

Wurgg then poked his head back in, looked around for a moment, and then picked up Swartt's limp form in one paw. He turned to Sunflash, whose stomach flattened back to its normal size just then, and assisted the badger to his feet. Dragging the badger on one arm while slinging the ferret over his shoulder, Wurgg walked out to make room for the next Redwall duo.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then:

"I told you, Cole, we're not doing that! Its way too vi-" Kelaiah's voice over the intercom suddenly gave a gasp. "What the cuss? Where are Veil and Sunflash? You mean we missed Swartt's punishment for them? Oh thanks a lot, Cole! We missed it because of you!"

"Did not," the genet retorted. "You were the one who had to be so difficult."

"Whatever, I'm not getting into this. Anyway... well, dear readers, I hope you enjoyed whatever it was that you saw. And now, for the next Redwall duo..."

"Ooh! Ooh! Let it be the duo I want, Kel! Please?"

"I don't see why you want them of all creatures, especially after what you said about Sunflash."

"That was before I learned how wealthy you are, Kel old buddy. Now c'mon, let it be them, plllleeeeaaaase?"

"Alright, fine. The next Redwall duo on Redwall Fanmail will be Cregga Rose Eyes and Gulo the Savage."

* * *

**A/N: I know, I KNOOOOOOOOOOOW! Its been like a millenia since I've updated this, I am soooo so sorry, and I can only hope that you all found this funny enough to be remotely forgiving. **

**Anyway... yeah. I guess that's it. Hopefully you won't have to wait so long for the next update. We'll try to have it up sooner next time.**

**Until next time everyone, God bless! **


	14. 5th Intro

"Alright, everyone and everybeast," said Kelaiah. "Here we have Gulo the Savage and Cregga Rose-eyes. Although, Cole, if they end up destroying my studio its coming out of your paycheck."

"WHAT?"

"Hey, you're the one who wanted them."

"Well you're the one who's going to pay for them!"

"Am not, you are!"

"No you are!"

"No you are!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"YOU ARE!"

"No YOU are!"

"HEY! Can we get going with this?" roared Gulo the Savage.

"Fine," huffed Kelaiah.

"Besides," Cole went on, "I've already brought in my whole horde as extra security, so that counts as paying for any damage."

"It does not- oh, never mind! So anyway, we have Gulo the Savage here, as well as Lady Cregga of the Rose Eyes."

Cregga, who was not old and blind in this fic, spoke up, "Excuse me, Kelaiah? May I ask why we are not the only characters in this room? I thought only two were allowed in this room at once."

"Well, let me explain, Cregga," said Kel from the intercom. "Because you and Gulo are perhaps the most fearsome characters ever to be in the Redwall books, I decided that a bit of extra security wouldn't hurt. So the rules are bent a little so that Wurgg, the wearet, and Steve can be in there to break up any potential battles."

Gulo snorted, glaring at the smug Wurgg and snarling wearet who were standing behind him. Cregga, however, smiled up at Steve, who was standing behind her.

"Hi, Steve," she murmured, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Hi," the massively strong, incredibly muscular male badger replied. "Do you have something in your eyes?"

"No," the female badger said, crossing her legs.

Cole grinned at the sight on the security camera, and started to sing a certain tune: "Cregga and... " He paused, and turned to Kelaiah. "Hey, what's your worthless security guard's name again? Stevens?"

Gulo gave another snort, his eyes glaring jealously at the spectacle.

"Er, yeah," said Kel, a little disturbed by the going's on (and therefore ignoring Cole). "Well anyway, because things have been so delayed with this chapter, we'll keep things short.

"Please take this time to send in your fanmail, and ask Gulo and Cregga pretty much any questions you want - provided that these questions are appropriate. Any inappropriate questions will not be asked, thank you."

"What about a contest?" demanded Gulo. "AND WHY ISN'T THERE ANY MEAT AROUND HERE? AUGH!"

The Savage was then tackled by Wurgg and the wearet.

"ACK!" screamed Kel. "NO! GUYS, NO! He wasn't- aaauuuggghhh..."

"Guess that one rat ran out of milky ways," Cole muttered.

Cregga turned in her chair back to Steve and traced a paw along his chest.

The musclebound brainless male badger blinked and stared at her paw. "Huh?"

Gulo caught sight of this, and gave a bloodcurdling roar of rage, hurling himself forwards-

-only to be intercepted by Lonna Bowstripe, Lord Brocktree, Ungatt Trunn, and Riggu Felis.

Cole, noticing Ungatt Trunn, couldn't help but slowly sink down into his seat a bit, despite the fact that he was in a different and heavily-guarded room where the wildcat couldn't see him. This was due to the fact the genet worked TWO jobs and was VERY BEHIND concerning the other job.

"Hi," Cregga purred, fluttering her eyelashes up at Steve, who was still uncomprehending.

"Hi?"

"Hi."

"STOP SAYING HI!" GULO SCREECHED, flailing his arms and legs against his restrainers.

Kel dropped his head into his paws. "Oohh... Cole, this is all your fault."

The genet only grinned in response. "But say, like Gulo was saying, what about a contest?"

"Oh, that. Well... I guess we can have the fanmailers vote on who they think is stronger: Gulo or Cregga. AUGH! GUYS NO DON'T DO THAT-!"

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry this was so short, but hopefully lots of you will review so the next chapter can be longer.

So yeah, please keep your fanmail appropriate, and please make ABSOLUTE CERTAIN that you vote:

Who is stronger, Gulo or Cregga?


	15. Cregga and Gulo

**A/N: **With some of your fanmails, I had to edit a bit for the sake of grammar and spelling. So yeah, just wanted to let you know in advance.

* * *

"Okay," said Kel, wiping his sweaty forehead. "We're back. Which means that Gulo has been... sedated for the fanmail."

By "sedated", the ferret meant that the wolverine in question was covered in layers upon layers of steel-and-iron chains, not to mention had the wearet, Wurgg, Verdauga, Ungatt Trunn, and several other Badger Lords either holding onto different ends of the chains, or holding him down tightly.

The Savage snarled and foamed at the mouth, creating a fearsome sight that would've put the shivers down Arawolf Beechclaw's spine.

"And I was actually thinking of asking her to guest-star," Kel muttered to himself, snickering.

"Oh come on, Kel! Bring the rat in instead!" said Cole.

"What rat? You mean Kenzie? Well, maybe the next time. Anyway, our first fanmail is from StarlightDragon1636."

_Lady Cregga, I know you were in a fury at the time, but still, wish you hadn't got rid of your ax pike. I was hoping to see it used more. Still, sending vermin flying was cool._

"That's nice," Cregga replied, not paying attention as she massaged Steve's ridiculously broad, muscular chest.

Steve was wearing one of his two most common expressions: confusion. (His other most common expression was a blank look.) He kept on staring down at Cregga's paws, trying to figure out what was going on. And failing miserably.

Cole watched the spectacle and snickered at Steve's sheer stupidity. He elbowed Keleiah, covering his mic so the others couldn't hear. "Geez, could you imagine these two trying to do the-?"

Kel held up a claw. "Don't say it, Cole. Just don't say it."

Cole paused, then grinned at the ferret. "Still, _if_ he ever made it that far, that means Steve-o there made it further than YOU ever did when it came to the females, huh?"

Kel looked at the laughing genet. "Dude, I've made out with females before. Granted, they were all Sues, but they were still females."

The Genet rolled his says. "Yeah, right."

"Whatever."

_The question: What was it like living at Redwall though you were blind?_

Silence: Cregga was still massaging Steve's chest.

No more silence: Gulo began to sputter and snarl, glaring jealously. Even some of the Badger Lords began to look jealous.

"Um, Cregga?" said Kel, his nose wrinkling at the sight.

Cole snickered.

"What?" the female badger answered without turning around.

"The fanmail?"

"The what? Oh, right." Finally (and thankfully) the Badger Lady turned around and read the fanmail on her computer. "Oh, it was nice. Well, no, 'nice' doesn't cover living at the abbey. It was marvelous, just lovely. Even though I couldn't see any of it, there were still such nice smells, and everything felt comfortable. Plus there was all the lovely sounds, and the glorious food! Ooh, the food! Frankly, nobeast has any right to say that Redwall food is overrated!

"So even though I would've liked to have seen Redwall, I still love and cherish my years there. And besides, I'm not blind anymore, and I've seen it now, and oooohh my, was it beautiful! Just lovely, simply magnificent! I started crying when I saw it, actually."

"Awww," said all the Badger Lords.

Gulo snorted, though there was a strange sort of look in his eye that suggested he was trying not to say "Awww" as well.

Cole gave a huge yawn.

"Er, yes," said Kel. "Anyway, let's get on see what they had to say to Gulo, shall we?"

_Gulo, you have to have been the most ruthless of all those to walk Mossflower. _

"Why thank you!" said Gulo, looking pleased.

_I was not too pleased to see you keep killing off your soldiers when you had so few of them (by Mossflower standards)._

Gulo's face became a frown. "What's that to you, buddy? Shut thee thy mouth or I'll tear out your guts and eat 'em like pah-saghetti!"

Silence.

Then, after willing himself not to laugh, Kel said, "Its _spah_-ghetti."

All the other creatures began to holler (except for Cregga, who had preoccupied herself with Steve again, and Steve, who was trying to figure out the difference between "pah-saghetti" and "spaghetti").

_The question: Why didn't you bring more than one hundred hordebeasts or forcefully recruit like Cluny did?_

"Because I am not a weakling like Cluny!" Gulo spat, red in the face (both from rage and embarrassment). "HE needed all those hordebeasts to protect himself, but not I! I, Gulo the Savage, Fearsome Wolverine from the Northlands, do not need protection! I only have my hordebeasts around to obey my every whim! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!"

"Right," said Kelaiah, who used his lazer to give all those holding down Gulo earmuffs so they wouldn't have to listen to his laugh.

"Geez, we should take him bowling with us Kel! I like his spirit!" grinned Cole.

_I can't say for sure who is greater in strength. It depends whether Lady Cregga is in Bloodwrath or not, I guess. If she isn't then they are about equal as far as I'm concerned._

"Huh. A tie," Gulo muttered, but he said no more on that (possibly because of his apparent crush on Cregga).

"Alright, then," said Kel. "Our next fanmail is from Jarrtail."

_Hey, it's the triumphant return of Steve! _

"Hmph," said all the males in the Fanmail Room, glaring at the humongous male badger who was still getting attention from Cregga.

_Does he still have the taser?_

"NO, he does NOT," Kel answered tartly. "What do you think I am, an idiot?"

"Huh?" said Steve.

"Never mind, Steve."

"Okay."

"Hi, Steve," Cregga purred.

"Hi?"

"STOP SAYING HI! AUGH!"

"KNOCK IT OFF!" SHOUTED KELAIAH. "Ahem. Anyway..."

_My question for Cregga is: Which did you prefer: being the blind bagermum at Redwall Abbey or being the head of a thousand fighting hares in the fortress of Salamandastron. Be honest._

"Ooh," Cregga replied dreamily, still running her paws all over Steve's chest. "I'd have to think about it. I do like being young and being able to see, and that comes with the Salamandastron deal, but I so love Redwall Abbey. I really couldn't decide. I think I like both, because each has a special place in my heart that will always be there."

"That's nice," said Kel.

"Yes, it is," said Gulo and the single Badger Lords. (Gulo shook his head quickly, horrified at what he just agreed to.)

Cole gave an even bigger yawn.

_Gulo: Exactly why did you think killing random members of your horde was a good idea? You only had a hundred soldiers to begin with, which is really not that much, and think of what it must do to morale._

"It doesn't matter, I just explained this!" the wolverine roared. "I do NOT need the horde for protection! I just use them carry out my whims and orders! And what do I care about their morale? Their only purpose in life is to serve ME! Hmph!"

_As for who is stronger...(dramatic pause) Cregga. By a mile. She carried a poleaxe bigger than most of her soldiers. Gulo never did any amazing feats of strength like that._

"WHAT?" shouted Gulo. "You want me to lift a poleaxe? I'll give YOU a poleaxe! RRRRAAARRRGGGG! ARRRGG! AUGH! RRRRGGGG!"

Well, the next few minutes were rather disgusting, so let's skip forward in time a little...

"Okay," said a shaken Kel. "Our next fanmail is from Non Malum."

_Ok... Cregga first. Cregga, sweet, sweet, playing with dibbuns one moment, and then kickin' butt the next._

Cregga giggled; nobeast could tell if it was because of the fanmail or because of her fascination with Steve's chest.

_Soo... With the whole arrow in the chest thing... Well... I'm sorry about the stupid "Bowbeast"... He was stupid._

"HEY!" objected Vallug Bowbeast from outside the room - and was promptly teleported away by Kelaiah.

"Honestly," the ferret muttered to himself. "How are all these animals able to appear when they're being talked about?" (Cole inched his chair away from Kel.)

"Thanks for the sympathy," said Cregga.

Cole couldn't help but pipe up in the defense of the ferret archer. "Well, in a manner of speaking, it was really that mouse's fault the Cregga was shot in the first place... Nimbo, was it? He bumped Vallug's elbow, which caused the ferret to shoot the arrow into Cregga... So... Yeah. It's kinda his fault really."

"Yes, but Vallug never should've tried to take over the abbey in the first place. Plus he was so stubborn when we told him there was no Taggerung in the abbey. True, Deyna was in the abbey, but WE didn't know that!"

"Take over the abbey? Wasn't that Ruggan Bor's idea? Bowbeast seemed a lot more interested on his mission to take the Taggerung than take the Abbey."

"Oh _that's_ right, sorry. My memory slipped a bit there."

"And besides," continued Cole, "if the mouse had stopped his silly cavilier additude and simply stayed put like you should do in ANY hostage situation, you likely would have still lived to find out what they were talking about. If I were you, I wouldn't blame the archer, I would blame the idiot instead."

"I can't and I won't blame Nimbalo for what happened, because on his part, it was an accident. But Vallug was the one holding the bow and arrow, he was the one who started the attack. And besides, I recall that he realized I was blind, so why would he continue aiming at me if he wasn't really going to shoot anyway?"

"Because your a badger? ...Seriously. That was kind of a stupid question to ask. You were dangerous in a BLIND rage, what real difference would there be if you were just blind?"

"Cole, I was up on a WALLTOP, well out reach from the vermin. So really, I can't SEE him pointing the arrow at me, I'm a good distance away from him, I rest my case."

_Well, now time for some questions. How does it feel like to get the bloodwrath? Please be as specific as you can. _

"You must not be very familiar with the books, then," said Cregga. "Because bloodwrath is described rather specifically by badgers several times in the series. The only difference with me is because its been said I've been affected more than anybeast else. ...And I STILL haven't found the jerk who said that! Grrr!"

"Ahem, Cregga...?" said Kel, but the Badger Lady was already reading the rest of the fanmail.

_Also, How would you describe "vermin"? I just wanted to know by your point of view. (They are cute, fuzzy, and lovable to me!)_

"CUTE FUZZY AND LOVABLE?" SCREECHED CREGGA (whose claws were thankfully nowhere near Steve's chest at the time). "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT WHEN THEY HUNT AND KILL AND MAIM AND STEAL AND PLUNDER AND MURDER AND PILLAGE AND VANDALIZE AND ENSLAVE AND- AND- AUGH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I'd like to apologize to the fanmailer," put in Kelaiah, "and ask them to please keep in mind that Cregga hasn't come across the vermin that they have."

"SHUT UP, FOUR-EYES!" ROARED CREGGA, OVERTURNING THE TABLE.

The other badgers, the wildcats, Gulo, the wearet and Wurgg all dove for cover. No WAY were they going to stand against Lady Cregga Rose Eyes. Only Steve didn't run for cover, for he was confused over a new thing: why was Cregga so upset all of a sudden?

Fortunately for Steve, Cregga never once touched him during her... "fit". Maybe it was because of her affection for him, or maybe it was just pure dumb luck. But whatever the reason, within minutes the whole Fanmail Room was in shambles, and all the other beasts present were either injured or very traumatized.

Cregga stood in the middle of it all, taking in deep, savage breaths... and then quite suddenly calmed down and sat back down in her chair (which had been also untouched by her rage) and went back to stroking Steve's chest (only this time it seemed more like she was trying to soothe herself).

Kel took a deep breath. "Cole. You're paying for this."

The genet sighed. Then he grinned at the ferret. "That mailer said we were cute."

Within minutes, thanks to Kel's lazer, the whole room was fixed up once again, but still Kel was none too pleased. Finally Cregga read the rest of her fanmail.

_Have you ever mistaken one member of the abbey for another? Like have you ever called an otter a squirrel, or something like that? _

"No. When I was first blind, I was in a state of depression and didn't bother identifying anybeast. But when little Russano - ooh, he was such a sweet baby! - came over to me, I knew he was a badger, because of the way he felt and smelled. And that was really how I told one animal from the other: by smelling them. And if I was ever wrong, nobeast ever told me."

_Also, If you were able to see for a minute, and Vallug Bowbeast was tied up infront of you, what would happen? Would you kill him like a badger lord, or forgive him like an Abbey Mother?_

"'Like a Badger LORD'?"

"Oh no," muttered Kel.

"Why did you say 'Badger LORD' when I'm a Badger LADY? What's the MATTER with you?"

"Cregga, can please not-"

"SHUT UP! I refuse to answer such a ridiculously worded question! Hmph, Badger 'Lord'..."

Cole stopped spinning around in his seat and grinned. "I think I got a good idea of what she would do-"

"YOU SHUT UP TOO!" the Badger Lady roared.

"...Okay then," said Kel. "Now why don't we get to Gulo's questions?"

_Ok... Next... Mr. Daft, Delirious, Demented, Deranged Gulo... _

"I'LL SNAP THY NECK! I'LL BITE OFF BOTH ARMS AND USE THEM TO SLAP YOU WITH! THEN I'LL BEND YOUR LEGS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS! I'LL-AUGH!"

The genet suddenly forgot his guilt at bringing Gulo to the Fanmail Room from laughing so hard at the wolverine's threats.

"Oh no..." Kel groaned, putting his head down on his folded arms.

Later, after more Gulo-sedation:

_What the crap! Really? You gotta go all nuts because your bro stole a ROCK? _

IT WAS NOT A ROCK! IT WAS A WALKING STONE! AND THE OWNER OF THE WALKING STONE IS THE TRUE RULER OF THE LAND OF ICE AND SNOW! DIDN'T YOU EVEN READ THE BOOK?"

_But, I praise you for being one pf the only Vermin leaders to fight in the front of the army..._

"Yes, thank you... you better..."

_Why would you travel sooo far just to get a turtle? I mean, couldn't you find another one and just say it's the walking stone? Who would question you? _

"...'Turtle'? What's a turtle?"

"Actually, it was a tortoise," put in Kel.

"Shut up!" snapped Gulo. "Anyway, the Walking Stone was the only one of its kind in my homeland! And besides, my father would've known, and my brother would've known! I couldn't go through life knowing that my brother had cheated me! NO I WOULD NOT! RRRRAAAARRRGGG! AUUUGGGHHH!"

"Wait a second," interrupted Cole, a confused look on his face. "Isn't a tortoise a reptile? Therefore wouldn't it likely die from being in a place called The Land of ICE and SNOW!"

"Most likely, but it was probably kept nice and warm," answered Kel.

"Course it was," Gulo snapped. "It was better treated than I was!"

"...That's kinda sad Gulo." The genet's ears fell. "Hey, just a question Gulo. Did you kill your father JUST because over a tortoise?"

"I killed him to prove that I was the strongest, you idiot! Augh, I'm surrounded by idiots!"

"Lion King reference," grinned Kel.

"Shut up!"

Cole covered the mic again. "You thinking what I'M thinking?" he asked Kel, grinning.

"I doubt it," the ferret replied, thinking about croissants.

"I'm thinking about sending Gulo a FREE trip to Bryony's Rehab Center! It may be possible Gulo has suffered because his father gave the tortoise better treatment."

"Hm... maybe."

_Also, were you aware that your name, Gulo means Wolverine in Latin?_

"...So?"

_Also, did you know that you were described as being one of the least intelligent of the Redwall Villains?_

"_WHAT? _RRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG-AUGH! UGH! GRRR! GRAAAHH! AUUGGHHHRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!"

Kel sighed. "They just HAD to ask that, didn't they?"

_Now for my vote... who is stronger? Bloodwrath Badger, or Insane Warlord... Well, even though Gulo is huge, I feel he is too insane to be lifting weights, so I vote for... Lady Cregga Rose Eyes! Sorry Gulo, you better prepare for the punishment, 'cause no one's gonna vote for you!_

This brought on another wild rage of Gulo, in which all the creatures on top of him had to fight him again into submission.

_(Oh and Kelaiah, you can kick Cole's butt anytime! ;) )_

"Why thank you!" the ferret said, grinning. "That's so nice."

The genet rolled his eyes. "Yaaaaaay..."

"Our next fanmail is from Mad Maudlin Hart."

_In terms of raw power, probably Gulo, but Cregga is probably better at fighting. Then again, Gulo's claws and teeth are sharper than Cregga's. So that's really a toss-up, and depends mostly upon how clean your floor is._

"Alright," said Kel. "We have another tie here. Next fanmail is Razordark."

_Heh, I guess someone is a wee bit jealous, eh Gulo? *continues to elbow Gulo from the safety of my home*_

"Shut thee up!" Gulo snarled, getting angrier by the minute as he lay trapped beneath his captors. He also glanced over at Cregga - who was still squeezing Steve's muscles.

_There's our Lady Cregga! Going for the ones with brawn rather than brains! xD_

"_I _am smart enough for the both of us, thank you very much," Cregga replied with dignity.

_To Gulo: Are you a cannibal? _

"Well of course I am! All wolverines are, we eat our enemies and grow stronger from taking their stength! Didn't ANY of these fanmailers read the book?"

"Yeah. She definitely ran out of milky ways."

_If so, then would you have eaten Askor if you had caught up with him? If not, then be one! _

"Okay, this fanmailer obviously did not read the book," Gulo spat. "Of COURSE I would have eaten Askor! What else was I going to do, give him milk and cookies?"

_Seriously, your horde are all cannibals; you'll risk having your horde of white vermin seem cooler than you, as they are more interesting with their unique...uhhmmm... customs._

"I refuse to say anything to a fanmailer who has not read the book!"

"Um, I think they _have_read the book," said Kel. "They maybe just... didn't get a few parts?"

Gulo snorted. "No, they didn't read the book."

Cole agreed. "Yeah, this sounds like this mailer didn't read the book at all."

"...Whatever."

_To Cregga: Living a long life is pretty cool; especially since it gives you more screen..er..reading time, whichever makes more sense. _

"Mm-hm," nodded Cregga, squeezing Steve's biceps through his thick black fur.

_Anyway, was living a long time worth it? I mean, yeah you got to see and do more things, but wasn't it painful to see dibbuns you took care of die of old age sooner than you did?_

"Yes, in many ways, it was, but there was always new life going around, and I had already accepted that that was the way of life, so I was able to handle it."

_It's a difficult choice, but I'll have to go with Gulo._

"HAH! TAKE _THAT, _NON MALUM!"

_Sorry Cregga. :( Gulo mainly used his own claws and teeth to kill; this just shows that he doesn't need weapons to kick butt! Cregga, on the other hand, used well forged weapons, which is kind of cool, but if you take away her weapons I don't think she would be as tough. Cregga's bloodwrath is pretty lethal as well, but it's unpredictable. Therefore, Cregga must have one of 2 conditions (to have one of her godly weapons or to have bloodwrath) in order to stand a chance against Gulo while Gulo is ready to fight anywhere, anytime._

"Obviously they've forgotten about the time I used only my paws to grab Raventail the ferret and snatch him inside the abbey," the female badger said in a dangerously soft voice.

"Er, yes well," Kel said nervously, not wanting another ramage from Cregga.

_P.S. Gulo, that doesn't mean I liked your character; in fact, the only thing I liked about you was your death. hehehehe... *Proceeds to give a high-five to Rakkety Tam*_

"-AAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

Later:

"Ugh. Okay... next fanmail," said Kelaiah, "comes from Blissey."

_Question for both: What's your greatest fear?_

"None of your business," the two stated at the exact same time. Then they turned and looked at each other in surprise.

Cregga smiled at Gulo. And Gulo blushed and hide his eyes.

_I know both of you are practically fearless, but everyone is afraid of something._

"Yes, but its still none of your business," Cregga replied, still smiling at Gulo while she rubbed Steve's chest. The single badgers frowned and proceeded to tighten the bindings on the wolverine or "accidentally" sank their claws into him. But somehow, Gulo didn't care this time.

Cole was struck with a realization. "Ooooh, I see something going on here! There's a human word for it! Cregga's being... she's being uhhh... Oh!" He snapped his claws. "A PLAYER!"

"Shut up," the female badger said.

_Gulo. In my opinion, you are one of the best villains in the Redwall series, probably second only to Slagar the Cruel. Also, you're the strongest Redwall character in my opinion._

"Second to _SLAGAR?_ That wimpy, scrawny fox who hides behind a mask? He's a joke, I tell you!"

"Never liked him much myself," Cole muttered.

"Yes, well ANYway..."

_Cregga. I really loved you in the book, and I have to admit, they picked the perfect way for you to die. I loved how you lived a peaceful life in Redwall Abbey after the events of The Long Patrol, since you deserved it._

"Aww, thanks. I appreciate that."

_Cregga, did you ever feel bad about being blind?_

"Yes, for awhile. But that was before little Russano found his way into my lap. After that, I really no longer cared about being blind, because I had so many little ones to take care of."

(Another big yawn from Cole.)

_Gulo again, I already know you're going to claim that you're not afraid of anything. Most likely anyway._

"Well I'm not!"

_Also, although Gulo is stronger than Cregga, at least I think so, Cregga would definately win in a fight between the two of them._

"Wait, so which one of us did he pick?"

"The question was who was stronger," said Kelaiah. "And he picked you. He only said that Cregga would be more likely to win a fight."

"How would she be more likely to win if I'm stronger?"

"You forgot how died, didn't you?" said Cregga in a singsong voice.

"Shut up."

"Nobeast tells me to shut up." The singsong voice now carried a dangerous undertone.

"...Sorry."

"Apology accepted."

Cole stuck his tongue out in disgust. "This is just me, but personally, I believe Raketty or whatever his name is is just like Triss. A Mary Stu. Hey Kel, don't you hunt and slay beasts like him? And Triss?"

"They don't count because they exist by Laws of Canon. Mary Sues don't, so Tam and Triss are off-limits, whatever some fans might say. Though I disagree completely that Tam is a Stu."

_I've probably made this a bit too long already, so ciao._

"No, it was a good length," said Kelaiah.

"What's 'ciao'?" asked Gulo.

"I don't know."

"I think it's something 'slang' the humans say. Goodbye, I think," said Cole.

"The next fanmail is from All American Autor."

_For Gulo: Do you really need a rock to rule your people? A rock. Just think about that. If you were so fierce, why coundn't you just rule your people through fear?_

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT MY BROTHER TO LIVE THROUGH LIFE KNOWING THAT HE OUTSMARTED MEEEE!" ROARED GULO. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KEEP ON TELLING YOU FREAKISH OTHERWORLD BEINGS?"

_For Cregga: Do you ever regret losing your sight to the bloodwrath? Also, if you did regain our sight, would you leave the Abbey and march back off to war?_

"Yes, I believe I already established that. But if I hadn't, its possible I never would have gotten Damug Warfang, and that would mean he would've won. But thankfully, that didn't happen. And I probably wouldn't have left the abbey if I regained my sight, because I was grooming Russano to be the next Badger Lord. And besides, I was getting old anyway."

Again the genet-warlord couldn't help but pipe up in the defense of a vermin. "If memory serves me correctly, you lost your sight because the rat slashed your eyes out with the wicked sword of his, not because of bloodwrath. Most beasts smartly DISARM their enemies before they maul them like that. And while I'm at it, despite the fact Warfang was scared of you, he DID fight you. And not only that, but he slashed your face out with that sword of his and also your eyes in the process. You're lucky he was not able to aim a little lower than your head otherwise your time likely would have came sooner."

"I suppose so. Meh," shrugged Cregga, tracing a claw on Steve's chest.

"Next fanmail is from Squirrels-R-Awesome."

"No they're not!" shouted Gulo.

_Although I haven't read the books you two are in, I'd have to say I think Cregga is stronger. BADGERS ROCK!_

"Hmph," said Gulo.

Cregga smiled. "Thank you, mister Squirrels."

"The next fanmail comes from SugahRush."

_Cregga totally. I mean, she's a badger, so duh. Plus, she's the good guy (gal?), so she always comes out on top. _

Cregga grinned while Gulo once again frowned.

_Except for the dying part. Heh. _

Cregga frowned while Gulo began to grin.

_Anyhoo, I'm saying Cregga, and I was going to ask if she had a more girly frilly side when she was younger, but Steve had sort of answered that question. _

Cregga giggled and tickled Steve's chest. Steve also giggled, much to the shock and disgust of the other males.

_And Gulo, I'm betting you smell as bad as the corsair guy from chapter one._

"No, as a matter of fact, I DON'T!"

"Actually, he's right, Gulo. Is that Seaside Palms you're wearing? That's a bodyspray, by the way, heh heh."

Silence from the Redwall characters.

"Whatever." The genet then took out a can sprayed himself.

One of his horde beasts, a female rat, questioned him. "Why do you need bodyspray anyway?"

"Females don't like a beast who smells like smoke for some odd reason."

The rat gave her master a confused look, but than thought it was better to stop speaking now.

"Next fanmail: John the Angel."

_My bet is towards Cregga. I mean come on, she took a poisoned arrow and survived for weeks. And all Gulo has is a beserker rage. _

"So does Cregga!" Gulo objected.

_Cregga also has a more developed strengths due to training in weaponry._

Gulo snorted.

"Alright, the next fanmail is from Ala Cye."

_Cregga! PINK BADGER KILL!_

Everybeast blinked.

_...what?_

"Eh... never mind," said Kel.

_Question (Not Really): Kel, I implore you put a collar + chain on Steve. Model it on the one from the movie Up. The talking dog collars? Remember? Then, turn Steve's voice tone level DOWN. So his voice is deeper than some other guy's deep voice. 'Kay?_

Kel blinked again. "Why would I want to do that? Besides, its not like Gulo's voice is all that deep anyway."

"HEY!"

_Cregga scared me. She scared me more than Gulo._

Cregga grinned, crossing her legs and giving yet another stroke to Steve's chest.

"Alright, then. The next fanmail is from Adder of the Pit.

_Kenzie: Yes! I ran out of milky ways! I just ran out! And you know why? That... that... that BOTTOMLESS WOLVERINE! He ate all of them! Even the ones that aren't for him! Even the ones I laced with a powerful antidepressant! ALL OF THEM! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (goes on a small rampage)_

Cole exploded with laughter.

Gulo smirked.

"Ah heh, yeah... anyway..." said Kel.

_Gulo: I know you took those Milky Ways, Gulo. I always know. You can't hide anything from me. You hear? Anything... (wiggles fingers spookily) Also, she wasn't kidding about the antidepressants. You might want to see somebeast about that._

Here Gulo's smirk began to fade and was replaced with a rather worried look.

Cole laughed even louder, and the genet fell right out of his seat. It took him twenty long minutes to finally get himself under control and back in his chair, though he was still sputtering like a dying car.

_Cregga: Okay, seriously, honey, what do you see in Steve? Geez, you're worse than Celandine. He's incapable of using multi-syllable words properly, and he has the deductive skills of a block of cheese. Even that perfect little snowflake Bladestripe had a higher IQ. _

Everybeast gasped. (Except for Steve, that is.)

All eyes were on Cregga.

The Badger Lady's pink eyes turned a brilliant shade of red. Her body began to tremble like a volcano. Her very sharp teeth began to show, and a strange sort of drool began to spill forth between them.

"...rrr..."

The male badgers, wildcats, Wurgg and the wearet all flung themselves against the wall farthest from Cregga, as though trying to scratch their way through to safety. Gulo, however, was still covered in chains, and try as he might, he couldn't quite break them.

"...hhhmmmrrrggg..."

Fortunately, Kel took pity on them and teleported all of them out there. Even Steve. Sure, Cregga hadn't attacked him earlier, but the ferret didn't want to take any chances.

"Rrrrrggggg...!"

"We probably shouldn't watch this," Kel whispered to Cole.

"Rrrrr-RRR-rrr-RRRR-RRR-_RRRGGG!"_

"Here it comes."

And come it did.

The rampage that Cregga went on earlier was nothing compared to this one. In fact, it was so bad, that Cregga actually managed to break through the walls of the Fanmail Room, and proceeded to run amok in the building.

"Uh oh! CALL SECURITY! GET EVERYBEAST TO SAFETY **NOW!"**

"Told you my whole horde would help," said Cole.

* * *

Two horrible hours later, Cregga Rose Eyes was seated once again in her chair in the Fanmail Room, her arms and legs crossed, her face composed and cool.

It took some more time to coax Gulo and the other males back into the newly repaired room, and finally Kel once again had to resort to teleportation. Steve, however, had no trouble in going back in (he was too stupid to do otherwise).

"See? Told you. Maybe my stoats, weaels, cats and rats aren't perfect, but my Rakkards sure are."

"Yes, yes, I'll make sure to give them a raise. And you too, of course."

Finally they were all back in, and returning to Adderstar's fanmail.

_Oh, sorry, is that still a sore point with you?_

Silence. Deep silence.

"...Er... ah heh... let's go on, shall we?" Kel said, grinning weakly.

_Kelaiah, your thoughts on BP and the situation in the Gulf of Mexico?_

The ferret was a bit surprised that such a question would be asked in this fic, but nevertheless he answered.

"Well, first of I think BP is horrible and greedy. They never should have kept on digging when they were told the drill was loose. Plus, what were they doing, having an oil rig way out there like that?

"And then there's the fact that so many people were complaining to the president about it. Why, though? Why were they doing that when its BP's fault? I hope they make BP compensate for all those poor people they've inconvienced.

"However, I heard not too long ago that the oil spill is beginning to clear up, so it looks like God is taking care of things, thank goodness. So... yeah, that's pretty much my thoughts."

"What is this all about?" Cregga asked.

"Never mind. Okay, the next fanmail is from Fear the Silly People."

"I FEAR NOTHING!" ROARED GULO.

_Well, I think Gulo is stronger, but what I wanna know is, what would make Gulo run to his Mommy! (Evil smile)_

At first Gulo smiled but then he shouted, "SHUT UP, FREAKISH NON-FURRED CREATURE!"

"Alright, fine!" yelled Kel. "Now then, our next fanmail is from Ike5000282."

_For Cregga -_

_What was it like taking care of Russano?_

"What do you mean?" Cregga asked. "It was like taking care of any other dibbun. The only difference was that it seemed like I had my very own son, and that made it just a little bit more special, I suppose. But I love all dibbuns."

_If you could wish for your blindness to be gone for an hour (in the Redwall world), when would you have chosen the time?_

"Hmmmm," the Badger Lady mused. "I don't know. Maybe... well, I could say during the time when Vallug Bowbeast attacked the abbey, but then, I might not have died then. Then Russano and his hares never would have arrived to save Redwall from Ruggan Bor. So I don't know. I have my sight now, so it doesn't matter."

_Have a box of chocolate._

"No, thanks, I'm watching my figure." Cregga smiled and fluttered her eyelashes at Steve again.

"Ugh," rumbled Gulo and the male badgers.

_For Gulo -_

_Don't you read a book?_

"Why would I want to waste my time with a stupid book?" the wolverine snapped.

_You do a barrel roll? (I don't know why I wrote this XD)_

"I know why," Gulo growled. "Its because you're a brainless, worthless piece of-HRRMMFF!"

Several badgers clamped their massive paws over the wolverine's muzzle.

"Thank you," said Kelaiah. "And Gulo, no foul language or insulting the fanmailers, please."

Gulo snorted, but made no other fight.

_I say Cregga is stronger._

Once again Gulo snorted, but again made no other fight.

"The next fanmail is from Sara Darkotter."

_Gulo, why do you keep reacting the way you so to Cregga's flirting with Steve?_

"Because its disgusting! AND I AM NOT!"

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuure Gulo," said Cole. "We all believe you here."

"Good," the wolverine snapped, not catching the sarcasim.

_I think Cregga's stronger._

The wolverine snorted.

_Note to Kelaiah: I have a pretty good idea of why he's acting like that. I just want to see how he'll respond._

"Well nobeast wants to know what it is!" Gulo shouted.

"The next fanmail," Kel went on, "is from icefox425."

_Dear Cregga Rose Eyes,_

_Please stop flirting with Steve. It disturbs the younger minds._

"You disturb the younger minds!" the Badger Lady retorted sweetly, still squeezing Steve's chest muscles.

_Anyway. Before I get to the questions, I'll answer the poll (what I mean by that, is that I have no questions and am stalling)._

_Who is stronger depends on if Cregga is in Bloodwrath mode or not. If she is in Bloodwrath mode, yes she is stronger than Gulo. If not, I have to say that Gulo is slightly stronger._

"So who did they choose?" Gulo demanded.

"Meh, I'll just give you that point, Gulo, because you're not getting very many," said Kel.

"Gee, that makes me feel so special," the wolverine spat.

Cole patted Kel's shoulder. "Isn't it nice that you make SO many friends?"

"...you don't know me very well, do you, Cole?"

"I was being sarcastic Kel."

"...Oh."

_Now on to the questions._

_For Gulo:_

_Did it ever cross your mind that killing your army in the book wasn't the smartest thing? They ARE sorta your only backup. You kill them, no more backup._

"I'VE ALREADY STATED," GULO ROARED, "THAT I DON'T NEED BACKUP, THEY WERE ONLY THERE TO SERVE ME AND CARRY OUT MY WHIMS! WHY TH-hrrmph!" The wolverine was once again gagged by his captors.

_For Cregga:_

_Who's your favorite hare out of the Long Patrol?_

"I don't _have_ a favorite, silly. I like them all. ...Though Deodar did impress me quite a lot..."

_For both:_

_Edward or Jacob? *is shot*_

_...*is revived* I hate Twilight, but I just HAD to ask that XD_

_Yeah, I know, lousy questions. T-T_

"Darn right they were lousy," Gulo rumbled.

"They were lousyrific," stated Cole, giving his biggest yawn yet.

"Next fanmail is from Ithilgore."

_Personally, I think Cregga is stronger what with the the blood wrath and all. _

"Surprise, surprise," said everybeast.

_As for questions: Gulo, what would you eat if you didn't eat meat? _

"...what?" The question made no sense to the wolverine.

Cole answered for him: "Milky Ways."

A few chuckles escaped the others.

"Oh yeah," Gulo said dreamily. "Milky Ways... and cheetos..."

"Uh oh. We're losin' him..."

_Cregga, what is the most epic battle you have been in?_

"Probably the last one I was in. The one where I killed Damug."

"Alright the, the last fanmail is from PokepwnDigi (though I personally think Digimon are cooler than Pokemon)."

_I think Gulo is stronger - wolverines are awesome._

"Hah!" smiled Gulo. "Got that right!"

"Alright, that's it!" said Kel, clapping his paws. "That's the end of the fanmail! Now then, Cregga wins eight to five. Thank you all for your reviews and/or fanmail everyone! And please remember to tune in next time for Gulo's punishment!"

Gulo snarled.

Cole covered the mic. "And you just lost a friend, Kelly."

"DON'T CALL ME KELLY!" ROARED THE FERRET, TACKLING THE STARTLED GENET.

A few minutes later, Cole went on as though he and Kel hadn't just ripped each other to shreds.

"Seriously though. How are we going to punish HIM without being ripped limb from limb!"

"...you REALLY don't know me very well, do you, Cole?" the ferret said with an omninous smile.

"I know that your on your own on that deal, cuz I'm staying right here; I can deal with trying to put down a badger, but not a wolverine."

"Sissy."

"Says the ferret who does everything with a magic CLICKER instead of a weapon!"

"Dude, I just whooped your spiral-y tail WITHOUT any magic!"

"You wanna go another round, KELLY?"

"Oh THAT does it!"

The following is censored.


End file.
